you know it just about drives me crazy... I'll be feeling ok... and then thoughts will come into my mind that have me wishing I could stop this damn life now... immediately don't pass go and who gives a damn about the $200. One minute I'm thinking maybe I can... and the next I'm thinking I can't... not going to try... not going to do anything active to end my life because then maybe I won't get to see my daughter or mama or all my other loved ones... but not going to worry about doing anything to prolong the shit either... So you all know exactly how I feel... and I think about you... like me in your house trying... some more dutifully and successfully to hold up the front... and some like me cryiing and crying... off and on... more on than off most of the time... just get tired of it and so sometimes I just dump it... even though maybe I'm wrong... maybe I'm bringing you down... but I doubt it... because how can I bring you where you already are.... so thinking about hitting the shut down button... that would be the kindest thing... and awful though it is too mad to do what I ought to... Maybe tomorrow will be better... So today... is it better... I think so... not quite so awful but its not good... but I'm trying again... That's what we're supposed to do... Its like hang on Snoopy hang on... so that's what I'm doing.. moving my icon from horrible to bad... because I don't feel horrible... don't feel ok... and I don't really feel bad... just sad.... no icon for sad.... ah well... does it matter... not really... hang on.....
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yep, yep and yep...I totally understand. One minute I am holding on and the next wishing it were all over...\'tis the way it is I think when our child has died. And on a side note, please don\'t feel as though you are bringing anyone down when you write what you are feeling. Most likely others feel the same at some point and can identify, will feel validated and \"normalized\" by your words and feelings...but no matter, it\'s important to put your feelings to words. (((love you)))
Elissa, you are speaking for all of us. Yes we all feel the same way. It\'s really weird sometimes. I can feel my foot tapping at a commercial and then feel guilty. I can be crying at dinner and then feel guilty. Want my old life back and for a moment it is and then it isn\'t. Please don\'t ever think you add to our sorrow by writing, in most cases for me it is just the opposite. By reading where you are, helps me understand where I am. Lots of hugs, Jake\'s mom, Kathy
Elissa,
I am down there with you some of the time. I try and keep real busy so I don\'t have time to go to that \" bad place\". I have been so depressed that death would have been a welcome relief.I didn\'t like that feeling so I do everything that I can to not allow myself to go there. Some days are better then others.I am always here for you if you want to talk. hugs, Inga
You know what I learned when Timmy died Elissa? I learned that there is no time or reason for death. When your number is up you ticket gets punched. Sounds harsh doesn\'t it? Well that is what it is.
I know exactly what you mean by not prolonging the sadness, emptiness and pain you feel at the loss of Cara. I got news for you I feel that way every time Kevin decides to test his luck and try to tell me what I want or what I need.
I get hurt. I never used to. I lost a lot of my ability to argue or to think fast enough to argue. It is at those times I feel the same thing I did when Timmy died....what\'s the use...why hang on...why take the meds....why not just through caution to the wind. I forget that there are six other kids and their families that like me most of the time. Trouble is...my empty nest filled with a grown critter and the critter has power to hurt me.
It does me good to get angry but on the other hand I have a hard time controling my mouth so I can draw blood with my tongue....then I hate myself even more.
Yep, I do get depressed. I do throw up my hands and say what the hell am I hanging on for. Then I wonder what\'s the options. I don\'t have a choice. I have to make the best of a bad situation. I will never be who I was. I will never have the logic or good sense to reason out not everything said is a personal attack. I will never be quick to respond and it seems emotion has become a part of my new self.
I hate that I had a stroke and secretly sometimes I even hate the fact that I survived that stroke. I would much rather be with Timmy and Pat than be as useless as I perceive myself to be at times.
I cannot work, I cannot take my mom places like I used to, I cannot go buy a car if I want or go to a show without planning for it. All the shallow, mercenary things that I thought nothing about, well, I find I think that was my worth and now that is gone.
Then I think about what exactly is my life like. Boring and quiet, no purpose, not really needed, with a best friend dieing of stomach cancer and I realize that we are all just existing and doing the best we can with what we have to work with.
Truth is I don\'t give a flying crap if I wake up tomorrow. I\'m glad when I do but it is not a great worry of mine.
Friday I am giving a Eulogy for a nun that I wanted to back my car over when I was in High School. In the 40 years since then we became friends. She was 94 years old and dedicated her life to pushing girls into being all they could be. She challenged you to be more. Last month we talked about what is wrong with the world and the Church today. Even at her age she had such valid points. She even chided me for taking my education for granted. \"If you can\'t teach college, teach kindergarden\"; use your experience!\"
I will miss that stern, solemn faced woman and it was worth the wait for the few times she broke into a smile because it lit up the room. I thought it hard for her to maintain that stoic stance for so many years but she was a born disciplinarian. The times I saw her break were when one of my kids called her Sister Grand-nun. They had no fear of her and she was so gentle with them. So different than the nun I knew as a teenager. I think she loved those times that she could put aside her demeanor and just be herself.
Well it looks like today I got a free ride. My ticket remains in tact. There will be a day that my ticket will be punched. I am not worried about it nor am I afraid of the possibility. I would have liked to be of more use but that was not to be so like most things in life...I adjust.
You see Elissa, we are all alike in some way. We are all incomplete or stunted for whatever reason and then we have something more in common...we have suffered the loss of a child. I think it is a question of what came first the chicken or the egg? Did we become stunted because we lost a child or did the loss of our child allow the weakness in our person float to the top? HMMMM.
I neither seek to live nor seek to die....I exist and make the best of it. I enjoy some things, I avoid some things, I try to maintain an interest in things I think I should. When I notice that I am withdrawing into myself I force myself out into the neighborhood. When I am hurt (gosh I hate to admit that emotion) I cry, I get angry, I spend money, I withdraw to lick my wounds then I forget it because it does no good to hold onto it.
Your voicing your feelings are so important. You will not miss Cara less but your words are forming a path of acceptance....not acceptance of Cara\'s death but acceptance that you can do nothing about it except remember.
Love Ya, Kathy
wow, kathy.... great wisdom..... i\'m glad you\'re hear e.