Well I'm hanging in there... I just don't feel very hopeful of ever feeling very happy again... I've felt better at times... but as I'm sure you know other things factor in... and right now other issues aren't helping... My son has decided that I've grieved long enough... and has been somewhat harsh... I know he wants me to get over it... I finally got mad at him yesterday and told him he really didn't want to know what I thought... he kept telling me things like "you seem to want us all to feel sad with you" just like I told you when you told me T'Ben had been crying when you talked to him... " stuff like that... I got so upset at the time I wouldn't talk... I honestly don't think T'Ben was crying at my prompting... I think its very possible that as the one year mark approached he was feeling it... I was honestly surprised when all of a sudden T"Ben started crying and talking about missing his mama... Anyway he started on me again yesterday and I told him maybe the reason T'Ben didn't cry when he talked to him was because he knew he couldn't... so John said F you... and I hung up on him... so I'm pretty sad... he's been on my case about not going to work... but the fact is my chest hurts if I walk as far as from the house to the mailbox... I take nitro and it gets ok... but I don't feel like I can push it too hard... I don't want to tell him how bad it is... they're talking about bypass surgery... I don't want to worry him... but I'm afraid a job isn't on the agenda at the moment... so.... I am sorry for dumping all this on you... but that's weighing heavy on my mind... How do I tell John what's going on without him just deciding I want to feel bad... I know its my fault... I've overeaten for years... and although when Cara first died I lost weight for a couple of months.. after I lost my job the ego thing... just about destroyed me and I've done nothing but eat... especially since they put me on insulin in June... I'd gained 20 pounds from January to June... and I've gained 35 more since June... and that sure ain't good for my heart... <>Ah well enough whining... Its winter... I hate the gloom of the overcast skies... I'm going to have to work to put on my happy feet...
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Oh, ((((Elissa)))), it is so beyond hard for the siblings to deal with our grief and their frustration at losing not only their sister or brother, but also their \"old parents\" often comes out as criticism and anger at us. They know not what they say for they know not the great toll that bereavement takes on us mentally and physically. They can see us grieving but they cannot see the nightmare from our eyes and we cannot explain it...to do so is impossible. One day my very mature and sensible daughter cried out to me, \"What about me, I\'m still here?!\"...she needed her mom to be there for her as I used to be. I\'ve since worked hard to \"be in the moment\" with her, to focus my attentions on her when I am with her, but still I will never be that same old mom she used to have...just can\'t be when so much has changed. I no longer work and I won\'t justify that, it is how it is. Your health and well being must come first, you have to take care of you. I guess I would be factual with John, tell him that you are having health issues that are of concern and that you are doing your best at present. Please don\'t feel guilty about your situation, so many bereaved parents take a very long time to return to work, if they ever do...and face serious health issues due to the stress of child loss. I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this. It hurts. (((love you)))
Dearest Elissa, i am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I am the same. It seems a bit like the story of the prodigal son in the bible. Even though we have children here on earth, it takes a long long time not to focus on the one that we have lost. I think every mother must be the same. It is dreadful for siblings, but it is not the same as a mother losing her child. They don\'t really understand. Kids want us (no matter what age they are) to stay the same forever and this is a big interruption in their lives. Your son is more angry at the situation than at you - I am certain of that. I don\'t know the answer and I feel that this same thing may be ahead of me. I hope things work out for you and you find the right words to make your son back off. Tell him about your heart problems - that is very important. He has a right to know. I am so with you, please know that. lots of love from Anne xxx
Elissa...don\'t apologize for \"dumping\" anything on us, this is your journal, your feelings, and we are all your friends, and we love you...got it? :o) I don\'t really know what to say about your son...other than the fact that it is so much easier for those who don\'t exactly know how you feel to judge you and tell you what to do or how to feel. True, he lost a sister, but he did not lose a child...so his grief is different then yours...and he needs to be reminded of this and not say \"F\" you to his mom...ever! I may not get along with my mom, but I will never say that one to her...and I have a huge potty mouth as you know...but that\'s just a line that I would never cross. And he does need to know what your health issues are...so that way he isn\'t surprised someday should you fall ill or have to have surgery...that will only anger him even further. I hate that he is adding the extra stress to your life...just remember, he is only lashing out as he has some pent up anger over everything, but he still loves his mom! ;o) Love you bunches, Kat