I will never stop loving you... I will always be grateful for all the times you made my heart so proud... the love that I have for you and that you had for me... your smile... your tenderness... the way you made me always feel so loved... Mama

My heart is so heavy inside... A year ago the Saturday I came home from work... Cara had supper ready... right now I simply can't remember what it was... She looked so pretty... She had fixed her hair and I noticed that it looked really good... All during her childhood and teen years Cara was blonde but in her twenties her hair had started to darken... so Cara colored her hair blonde as she liked the cachet associated with being a blonde... Sometimes it didn't come out so good and would look like straw almost... but this time it was really so pretty... It was highlighted and just looked lovely... I told her how pretty it was and she told me she had done it herself with one of those kits you get that lets you put in the highlights... she said she would do my hair for me and I was looking forward to it...  

We'd had a pretty good week... I picked Cara up Monday October 23, 2006 and brought her to my house... She wanted to get her life together and as always I was praying...  I was worried because I was so afraid it wouldn't last... I'd been through it several times... I feel ashamed to complain about having been through it... I promise I was there and what I went through was nothing compared to what Cara went through... It doesn't matter that she did it to herself... she honestly wanted to get her life back together but the demons that drove her would pull her down over and over again....  

I'd been hard on Cara... not that I wanted to be... but I was so scared... I wondered at times that even if she did get her life going right... how long would it be before I would trust her... How long before I wouldn't be afraid to sit my purse down... How long before I wouldn't wonder every time she left the house before I would stop worrying she'd come home drinking... or worse yet... not come home at all...  Anyway Cara asked me if she could use my van to go to Thibodaux to see her youngest child Logan... She said she couldn't go see T'Ben and Elizabeth as they were involved in activities that weekend...  I was hesitant... but I wanted to trust her and I being a mother myself could not help but feel her need to see at least one of her children... and she seemed fine... So I agreed...

She was really thrilled and excited... She promised to be back by 1am... She went to her room and got dressed... she actually looked a bit surprised... perhaps she expected me to stay tough and not allow her to use my van... perhaps I should have... I don't know... I couldn't... So she left... I spent the evening hoping it would be okay...

She got home around 12:30am...  She was so sad... Her visit hadn't gone well... She had wanted to bring Logan home but he had plans for Halloween and didn't want to come... She had been drinking... I didn't raise a lot of hell... my heart was so sad... We talked and I tried to comfort her... I told her to take a couple of tylenol pm to help her sleep and that tomorrow... which since it was after midnight was a new day... and we'd start all over...

So we went to bed... I was up at 4am Sunday morning October 29, 2006, and left the house at 5am for work... Its hard to relive it all... but its all running through my mind as the hours pass so slowly and yet so quickly... That day Cara was involved in a argument with a family member who hit her... I try very hard to understand that he never intended for things to happen as they did... Her eye had a cut that the EMS said needed stitches... I was told that it would be soon enough to bring her when I got off work so I did not leave... I hated to call my boss and ask him to come take my place as he had been undergoing chemotherapy for cancer and when I worked on the weekends was one of the few times he could get away and rest...  This is the same boss who in January dropped me like old news because the insurance was going up... I'm very bitter... In the end none of it will matter... Anyway... Michael went to jail and when I got off work I headed home to bring Cara to the hospital...  

I think back and its hard to understand... I don't think I'll ever understand why.... It had been such a good week... Cara was trying so hard... so why God did you take her...  Sometimes I'm so angry...  Stupid stupid stupid I know...  So hard to go on... anyway... I got home... Cara was so sad... she'd been drinking... I didn't know how much... I'm not positive she'd been drinking... but I'm pretty sure... She was killed at 3:05am the next morning and her blood alcohol was 1.2... I think that's how you write it or it may be .12.... I don't know... but that's not very high... I assume she'd had some to drink that evening... I don't know what time she left the hospital... The last time I talked to her was at 8:30pm... She was refusing to let the doctors take care of her... She'd insisted I go home... and I was tired... so I went thinking I could go back after she saw the doctor... but I obviously should have stayed... I really should have... I should have realized she needed me to just comfort her... to be there... but she kept telling me to go home and get her stuff as she was leaving... no place to go... I knew that... but finally I left figuring I'd go home and rest awhile then go back and get her after she saw the doctor and got the necessary stitches...

I've written about all of this... It isn't ever going to change... Its done... but I don't go anywhere that I don't see her in my mind and wonder why...  I see younger children at church the store where ever I go and I see her... I see women her age or older... and I wish...  I wish what we all wish... oh if only I could have her back... I'd do this I'd do that... but we're all human... and if she came back... what could I do... would I have her back as she was... it was hard on us but oh God it was so hard on her... she felt her life crumbling... she knew what she was doing but she didn't know how to get well... so God if you will just let me know she's doing good... let me accept that and be grateful for her...