A friend had written and asked me about what age I was when I overcame or got healed from bipolar and how old I was when I realized that I could help myself... and I wanted to share it with my friends... It took me all day to answer this... because I really had to think about the answer... Unfortunately I haven't overcome or been cured... I was surprised to hear Patty Duke say she had been cured... She's the first person I've ever heard say that... I have learned to a degree to deal with it... It still whips me around regularly... Those times when the sadness overtake me I try basically to hang on... breathe deep... and know that it will pass... Sometimes its really hard to see that... I do have the manic side... that's more in the thoughts that race (I don't mean irrational thoughts or hallucinations... Its just thoughts that in anyone else would be given crendence but because I'm a nut I feel I have to defend... i.e. sadness, concern, anger with economics, crime, apathy, etc etc etc...) through my mind almost all the time.. sometimes its quite hectic... I like to think of it as the nerves that speech teachers used to tell us we could put to good use... to be an energy source to give speakers life and vibrance... So when I can... I tell myself its ok for my brain to be so constantly on the move... I have taken several kinds of meds for the bipolar and the ones I hate the most are the ones that while they do slow down the frenetic activity in my brain... they make me feel more dead than alive... At least with my brain going full tilt I feel very alive... Depression can and does slow down my thinking... but its not a good slow down either... Its a super hard place to be... but its like most everything in life... some good some not so good... I was diagnosed as manic depressive after the suicide attempt in 1983. The first doctor to put me on meds put me on amitryptiline... I don't know if that's the right spelling... its close... and I have to say to misspell it would be a justified disrespect... Oh how I hated that medicine... It made me a zombie... I was trying to go to school and I couldn't stay awake long enough to drive to school. I told the doctor about the problem but he was one of those doctors who I have grown to hate over the years. Many doctors simply want to dope us up... keep us placid... that satisfies the families... but its hard to live more dead than alive like many of the meds make you... There are so many negative side effects... I personally favor lighter meds and strong doses of education about the disease and counseling with a counselor who will encourage you to love yourself... Side note: Many doctors say reluctance to take meds is a symptom of the illness... and many doctors feel like counseling and education and light if any meds are the best treatment... Its a case by case situation... I was in my late 20s when I started recognizing that I did and could have some impact on my emotions... I was taking classes to work as a mental health associate. I had a fantastic teacher. He never said so but the way his mind raced I would not have been surprised to discover that he was bipolar. Jack was the kind of person who was deeply passionate about his work... and his work was spreading the gospel according to Jack... as learned mostly from Albert Ellis... LOL Jack loved Albert Ellis and his Reality Therapy... I also am a fan... It was great reading about mental illness and the various theories for treating it... I got a lot of ideas for helping myself... While I am an admirer of Albert Ellis I think there is merit in many therories and that no one is a panacea for all... I like a combination... Take what benefits you and leave the rest... Albert Ellis should be proud.... One of the main questions he tells people they should ask themselves is, "Is it helping me meet my needs or obtain my goals?" Now when you're so damn depressed you can hardly stand living you're probably not going to be able to ask or answer that question... so when I'm in crisis... I accept that... I will be able to answer it hopefully soon... for now just breathe... and basically that's how I'm dealing... With the help of Ms Francis... a counselor that I think is one of the best people to have touched my life... I learned not to feel so ashamed or to hate myself so much... Overcoming the pain and shame of needing help was one of my first and most difficult battles. I learned to stand up with, beside and for myself... that was Ms Francis' greatest quotes... and she served it to us often... *Smile* I was in private and group counseling with her for a couple of years and it was a blessing... When Cara died I called Ms Francis... and as always she was right on target... She told me that a trauma such as a loved one's death often brings up a lot of old stuff... and it did... and I'm still working on putting myself back together... Part of my helping myself is this writing... While I write I look again at the things I've learned through the years and slowly... its working...
Replies
I hate the expression mental illness. This implies that having to deal with a situation of altered cognition (mental) is a sickness. Yes, you are correct when you argue that Bipolar is a disease...however, I hope you know that any disease can affect the ability to deal with reality.
Do you know that at any given time any of us can have a manic episode? Depression is common...all be it chronic or clinical depression does take it to a new level.
Just with life in general I have found that it is not what is going on in our lives....or what happens to us or around us...it is how we handle it that makes all the difference in the world.
I have met people who are embarassed and withdraw into themselves which as you know causes so much more damage to an already damaged self concept. I have known people who are defiant and dare anyone to challenge their \"mood\". They become combative and are often medicated into pacivity. Again the key is self perception and how one deals with adversity.
Depression often has traces.... \"triggers\" that can proclaim an onset.
Elissa, you are beautiful. You are bright. You know yourself. You have learned to not only control and adjust you have learned to share your journey. Your self image is only in question when you question your right to disagree, to argue, to stand for your beliefs. Old stuff is good...it allows you to see how far you have come. Guilt? Would you be guilty if your appendix burst and you were being operated on instead of making cupcakes?
You are a gentle, caring and compassionate woman. I am proud to call you friend.
As far as you referring to yourself as a nut and even thinking about entertaining the idea that your views are less valued because your mind races or you withdraw into depression .....well that is much like saying that we all are nuts! Because my dear...we all withdraw into depression....we all allow our minds to race.
I have learned to listen when people say something of value and Elissa you most often have valuable things to say.
Love Ya, Kathy
I told you that you were a very inteligent and clever woman and this journal entry just proves it. You are truly a beautiful soul and your understanding of your disease is exceptional.
Love you heaps and sending you great big hugs
Roz.
I think Patty Duke miss-spoke since there is no cure for bipolar disorder. You sound like you have it fairly well under control. i worked in a jail and psych hospital for quite a few years and for many of the folks the medication did wonders.many of the inmates were in trouble because they had not taken their meds and during their manic phase they would commit crimes and they would end up in jail. We would start them on meds and in a few days they were a changed person and we would be able to start therapy.
I think society needs to start accepting mental illness in the same way they respond to physical illness.i don\'t know of one person that says when I wake up tomorow i think I\'ll become manic/depressive. We all have disabilities some are more obvious then others and we need to help and be kind to each other.
Don\'t ever forget that you are special and you are loved. God bless you.