I am trying fiercely not to let my anger overwhelm me... I am allergic to cologne... after shave... etc...  I can handle it most of the time if its not too strong or right up in my face... but if.. oh my goodness... I have told Richard that its really not pleasant to me... Still he'll smother me with a hug and kiss after he shaves and slathers that stuff on... and I'm left with such a pounding headache... I know I'm such an ungrateful b___h....   If yall only knew how awful it leaves me feeling... and its like the smell is lodged in my brain for hours... ugh!!!<>Oh well... I feel better... At least I expressed how awful it is... LOL  I'm not as awful as I sound yall... I didn't say a word to Richard... I've never voiced myself very clear I guess... just don't want to hurt his feelings... and I do appreciate that he loves me... <> <>Anyway... I had some things I wanted to share... Some stuff I've been writing... hoping maybe it would help some other people who are dealing with bipolar...<> Sometimes you have to let us accept responsibility for our actions and the things we say.  I am bipolar.  It doesn't mean that I don't have rational thought processes... that I'm never justifably angry (boy someone answered that so well recently... I forget who... but like they said... we do have justifiable anger at times but we often over react...) that I'm not a sensible, capable person... I'm just someone who needs to work real hard on balance... and no one can do it for me but me... I attempted suicide in 1983... There have been other attempts... none as serious or potentially lethal... Anyway... I took an overdose... I put a trash bag underneath me in the bed so that when I would pass I wouldn't ruin the mattress... that's how serious I was... I definitely expected to die... I put a suicide note in the phone book figuring that when my husband found my body he'd find it when he used the phone book to find a phone number for the coroner... then the school called and I was rescued...  So afterwards several times I told my husband I wished I'd been successful... I wanted him to feel as badly as I did... and he did feel awful... I'd see the helplessness and the pain in his face... and so finally on a rational day I told my husband that if I did that I wished he'd tell me that he loved me... that he didn't want me to kill myself...  but that he couldn't watch me 24/7... That was a gift for me and my husband... It took the threat off his back and put it on my own... It gave me a sense of power over my own life which was important because bottom line I am the only one who can save me... Yes Maria needs to know you love her... and that you want her to reach out for the counseling and education that will make her better able to handle her own life... but she is the only one who will be with her 24/7...  I was so grateful this evening... Something I have been saying for years was affirmed by Patty Duke... She talked about her suicide attempts... and she said that it took a long time but that she finally realized... she never wanted to die... she just wanted the pain to end... Oh I have said that so many times... It is so empowering to understand what is really going on with one's self... I lose my way often... The greatest gift for me -  from me - to me... is to accept responsibility... I am empowered... I understand what is going on with me... and therefore I can do something about it...I was so moved by the Oprah show last night... I would like to contact her guests... It was moving to say the least to hear the mother of the young man who was I guess you could say the focus of the show... I think his name was Chris...  anyway the mother said that she was desperate to find someone to help her son before she possibly lost him... I know so well what she means and wanted so much to just hug her...  I am both a person who is dealing with having a bipolar problem and a mother of children who have dealt with and are dealing with the problem.   There are so many of us... and too often we can't find the help... My heart broke for Chris... I could see his pain and his shame... He like me suffers more from the down side... the depression of bipolar... Its probably even harder for him than me because I feel ashamed of being such a sad sack... but at least I'm female so its kind of ok for me to be a cry baby... How much harder it must be for a man to have all those sad feelings that he can't even understand why he has and have to carry the additional burden of men are strong... men are tough... men are supposed to be able to take it and not cry... oh what bull... men are as much human as we are... If they don't cry its often because they know that they would be pitied and underneath would be contempt... it makes me so sad...  I don't find a lot of difference in my illness now as compared to when I was younger except that I know a little more about it and can deal with it a little better... Its still a struggle... at least I've finally accepted that its always going to be a part of what I deal with and not to feel so overwhelmed by it...  I feel most lucky when I am dealing with it that I have accepted that bottom line its up to me to work on it... You're so powerless when you depend on others... not to say that counseling isn't helpful... Oh with someone who supports me in my efforts... who doesn't just want to hospitalize, dope me up, patronize me... who recognizes that aside from this one little problem... I have a lot going for me.... LOL  that is such a blessing...  This is copies of several letters I have been sharing with some friends who have been affected by family members who are bipolar.  I would so much like for peope to understand that people with bipolar have a lot of oher things going on besides the illness.  Some very talented people have had bipolar.  I write all of this for me and for you.  We all want others to understand and value who we are... Also I really do hope that someone will read it and maybe it  will help them...  Hugs Elissa