I wrote this yesterday... but didn't share it because I didn't want to bring anyone down with me.. and I still don't... but I want to know... am I alone... or do yall have this anger and pain sometimes... the doubts that take all hope away... Nothing brings you back to meNot your pictures... not the stories...You're not here now except in my memories... I look at your smile and I wonder howHow could it have gone so wrongNothing will bring you back to me now I'm tired of pretending that its oktired of hoping that I'll ever be with you someday I'm so full of anger and sadness and painWhat matters anything I won't see you again I'm giving up Ready to throw it all awayIf there's any truth to any of it let me see you today.... Yesterday wasn't a good day... Yesterday was a day when I looked at my daughter's picture and wondered if it was all lies... am I ever going to see her again... or is heaven and God and all of that a lie... and I didn't know whether to pray or cry or what... Its like that... I'm sorry sometimes its just like that... You are kind and I do appreciate it... I shouldn't be such a big baby... but I can't begin to tell you how many times I wonder about things... and some of them are really hard to face... I was worried about my grandkids... and wishing so much Cara could be back for them... I'd gladly trade places if she could be back and ok and take care of them... My grandson is getting into trouble a lot and I worry... They've got problems who hasn't... but I just worry a lot about what's going to happen to them... I've found out through Cara's death that I can't fix it... can't protect them... and it does bother me... Today's a bit better and I'm up trying again... Who knows perhaps today I'll get a sign... Its not really pretending... Part of me does believe... but the hurting fearing part... that steals my faith sometimes it takes over... and that's how it was... Today is better...
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((((Elissa)))) You are most definitely not alone...I wonder so often, feel so empty, so confused and lost...sometimes I just do not know at all. I wish I knew how not to doubt but I do not. Truth is I just want him back here with me because I am his Mother and I need to Mother him...I was not done being his Mama in the physical sense...wherever he is, however it is, my arms are empty and he still had so much living to do in this world. It hurts to be apart from him...hurts more than anything in my life ever has...I\'m rambling...you\'re not alone. Love you.
you are NOT alone!!! i have thought those same thoughts that you have described. i think all the time about seeing dylan again, then i start thinking what if there is no heaven? what if i will never see my baby boy again, its a thought i just cannot bear to think of. i live my life each day thinking im one day closer to seeing dylan again!!! if i didnt have those thoughts i wouldnt go on. so i guess i really dont want to know, i will just keep telling myself i will see him again!!
as for pretendin, well i do it everyday of my life!!! everytime someone asks me how i am, i pretend im doing ok, but inside im screaming how can you ask that question, how can you not realize the pain is so unbearable i can barely function day to day. but i hide the pain as you are doing. i guess we are lying to ourselves too.
you will never be alone in your feelings because we truely do share the same ones!!!
beautiful poem you wrote and thank you for sharing it!!!
love and hugs
I get depressed about my son being gone and wonder if I could have helped him but I have never lost my faith. I truly feel blessed to have been given him to me in the first place and i thank God every day.
I do understand how as human beings we can lose faith when we are faced with such great tragedy. God understands.
You are not alone! Beautiful poem, puts my confusion into words. We\'re all pretending, faith or no faith, no one can change any of it for us and there will never be any answers until we\'re gone, if even then? My love and prayers, I feel the exact same way. Love, Lynette - Matthews mom
ELISSA, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. PLEASE DON\'T FEEL BAD ABOUT WRITING WHAT YOU FEEL. GEEZ LOOK AT MY JOURNAL, PITY PARTY CENTRAL. BUT EACH TIME I WRITE HOW AWFUL MY LIFE IS I SEEM TO FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. I TOO HATE TO SOUND LIKE I\'M WHINING. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHENEVER I READ SOMEONE ELSE\'S JOURNAL AND THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW BAD THEY FEEL, I JUST WANT TO HELP. SO I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED IT\'S OKAY TO HAVE OUR PITY PARTIES HERE, BECAUSE WE ALL WANT TO HELP EACH OTHER. AND WE ALL NEED THIS PLACE TO VENT. IT MUST BE HORRIBLE FOR YOU TO NOT HAVE CARA. YOU DON\'T HAVE TO PRETEND HERE. YOU\'LL ALWAYS HAVE GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS AND I FOR ONE LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT BOTH. SOMEDAY, HOPEFULLY THE GOOD DAYS WILL OUTNUMBER THE BAD. JUST KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE!!!!!!! LOVE YOU, LISA
OH SWEET ALISSA THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, USUALLY I HAVE A LOT TO SAYBUT I DON\'T NOW PLEASE KEEP WRITING AND THEN REREAD OVER AND OVER AND YOU\'LL COME TO TERMS WITH HOW YOU\'RE FEELING. IT HELPS ME TO DO THAT, IT ALWAYS HAS ALL MY LIFE. WELL SINCE I COULD PUT MY FEELINGS ON PAPER. KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT AND TRY TO TRUST THAT IT\'S NOT ALL A LIE AND IF IT IS, WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS EARTH YOU WON\'T BE MISSING HER EITHER WAY, BUT TRUST IN THE SIGNS THEY WOULDN\'T BE THERE IF IT ALL WAS LIE.. LOVE YOU *K
I KEEP WONDERING ALL KINDS OF STUFF MYSELF..ITS REALLY DRIVING ME CRAZY!!...BUT UR NOT ALONE...THATS FOR SURE....LOVE YOU...DIANA
Not two hours ago, I ended up in a heap on the floor carrying on about the same thing: what if it\'s all a giant crock and the signs I see of Evan are just my imagination? What if we are all having a huge case of wishful thinking? What if we\'re all just plain nuts and we never see them again? And then I realized that without hope, we have nothing. So I will keep believing for as long as it takes that somewhere out there, God has our children safe and happy and waiting for us to join them.