I'd like to share with you some thoughts I've had about the struggle between going on loving your children who live on earth while still mourning the loss of one of your children who has passed to the other side. I have talked to other parents and done a lot of thinking about this. I want to put what I have been thinking into words in hopes it will help you. Even though my son is grown and therefore the issue isn't the same it is similar. A few months after Cara died John wrote me the most beautiful letter. In it he said that he knew when Cara died I lost my whole world. It hurt me a lot to think that he thought Cara was my whole world... like he didn't count. I did lose a very precious part of my world as I knew it when Cara died. Luckily John is an adult so I was able to talk to him quite openly. Its hard to put into words how the loss of the earthly presence of your child can make it seem as if you think or act as if you have lost your whole world, but its just not so. You have not lost your whole world, but the loss has affected your whole world and it takes time to recover. It takes time to even remember that its important to you that your other children know how much you love them. I didn't realize what John was thinking. I still feel tears welling up thinking of it. I don't care if John is a big old brawny 6' guy with a wife and kids of his own. He is still my baby. I will always remember the time when I called him my little frog because of how he pulled his legs up beside him as he slept. I've got all the million and one memories of John that make me laugh and make me cry that fill my world as much as I do about Cara. He is my son and I love him more than words can ever express. Just as I love Cara. Love is like that. <>Its so hard to explain how the love you feel for each child is the most powerful emotion in life and that love is not diminished by any thing not even death. I still love Cara always... and I still love John always.... with all that is in me I love both my children.... I'm too old... but if God granted that I should have other children... I still have love... lots of love... immeasurable love inside of me.... Love isn't diminished by he number of people you love. Just one more thing... and please I know sometimes we feel so bad we could seriously be soooooo ugly.... I'm just trying to help... In between my bouts of crying and rage I even think... *Smile* Its a watery smie... but its a smile.... anyway.... I honestly do believe our children have just passed over.... I honestly do believe that death is not the end. I don't like it at all that Cara passed over before me... but I do believe I will see her again and that in the meantime she is here. Of course this is today when I'm in a little bit of a decent frame of mind.... Even though I do believe this... sometimes its not enough... so I have to go through the fears and the pain all over again... Its not easy is it.... I wish it wasn't like this for any of us... I don't know how to fix it or I promise I would. Hugs Elissa
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As I told my daughter, each of my children is half of me, yet each is the whole of me. I don\'t love one more than the other and my love for my daughter is not diminished by her brother\'s absence just as it was not diminished by his birth...it is I who am diminished, my very being...but not my love for her. I too would fix it for all of us if only I knew how. (((love you)))
HONESTLY, I CAN NOT!!! IMAGINE MY CHILD PASSING BEFORE ME. BOTH OF YOU LADIES, ELISSA AND KATIE, ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN. I ADMIRE EVERY WORD YOU WRITE, I FEEL SO STRONGLY FOR YOUR LOSS. MY MOM DIED WHEN I WAS 21. AND OF COURSE MY SISTER JAN LAST YEAR. THEY WERE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, EACH GRIEF HAS BEEN DIFFERENT. BOTH HORRIBLE, BUT DIFFERENT. BUT IF MY BABY BOY WAS TO DIE.... WELL I JUST DON\'T KNOW?? I THANK GOD YOU BOTH HAVE ANOTHER CHILD!!!! I FEAR JUST HAVING ONE. I DON\'T THINK I REALLY FELT TRUE LOVE FOR SOMEONE SO STRONGLY UNTIL THE DAY I GAVE BIRTH TO MY SON!!! THE LOVE WE HAVE FOR A CHILD IS JUST SO STRONG. I, LIKE MOST MOTHERS WOULD EASILY GIVE MY LIFE FOR MY CHILD, IT\'S NATURE. YOU BOTH SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOUR ABILITY TO GO ON AT ALL!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH, BUT OFTEN AVOID COMMENTING TOO MUCH ON YOUR PAIN, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH MY GRIEF HAS BEEN HORRIFIC, I CAN NOT TELL YOU I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH. I KNOW YOU ARE BOTH DOING THE BEST YOU CAN AND I SO ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH. I SURE WISH I COULD FIX IT FOR US ALL TOO!! I AM HONORED TO HAVE TWO SUCH STRONG WOMAN TO LOOK UP TO AND TO CALL MY FRIENDS........ALL MY LOVE!! LISA
I THINK WHAT YOU SAID IS SO SO TRUE. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING US. I LOVE MY MANDEE - WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER. SHE WAS MY FIRST BORN AND HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART - BUT I LOVE MY SON BRANDON AND MY LITTLE GIRL MADDI ALSO AND SOMETIMES I NEED REMINDING THAT THEY ARE STILL HERE AND STILL NEED ME AND I NEED THEM.
{{{hugs}}} sweetie! your son knows that you love him. Cara loves you both! love you! ~ charlayne
Thank you so much for your beautiful and moving words. You speak for so many women here! I am not sure what any of us would do without each other! Praying for peace for you. I understand about how Alicia was not my whole world but my world is now shattered as a result of her death. There is such a difference between those two things. And people who see me grieve cannot understand or see that difference. Big hugs for you! Love, lana
Oh Hun, I think you are such a strong person underneath it all. I know I am going to lose my darling Eric very soon and I know it will be devastating but if I lost one of my sweet children ( even though they are all nearly middle aged ) then I can not imagine it. I think it would kill me too. It would be like losing myself I think. And yes you are spot on. You love all your children - no matter what and it is a different love than what you have for anyone else but it is not lessened by how many you have. You love them all the same and that love would not diminish for the rest if you lost one but it would diminish you in some way.
Take heart my friend. I send you big hugs and much love.
Roz.
Elissa, how beautifully said, as always! I would like to post this to the siblings page when it gets started next month if that\'s okay with you.
Geez, I\'m crying so hard I can hardly type. I think you struck a nerve.
Thank you Elissa, as always you have touched my soul.
What a wonderful woman/mom you are...I don\'t know or understand your pain...if I even try to imagine it, I fall apart at the mere thought....so I don\'t pretend to \"imagine\" or know what it is like to be in your shoes....I just wish I knew the words to help you to heal, a band-aid of sorts for your heart...well, several band aids as your heart was and still is shattered. The order of life is for the parents to die before our children...not the other way around.....my mother in law told me after John died, and this is a woman who has the onset of Alzheimers...in other words, she has good days and bad days with knowing things....she told me that I did everything right by her son...that was and is HUGE for me...she also said, that she could not imagine why the good Lord felt it necessary to take her son as it wasn\'t supposed to be that way...she said that here she is, 78 years of age, lived through a awful car wreck, survived breast cancer, and is now living with alzheimers...yes, at times she does know what is happening to her and it terrifies her....and yet, God chose to take John. She doesn\'t get it, said she would gladly give her life so that John could still be here to finish out his for him to keep being my husband, and the wonderful father and son that he was.....she is right...it\'s not supposed to be this way. Now, I am not nor had I ever been wishing or praying for her demise, but her reasoning....I do understand. Elissa, I don\'t know if anything that I say helps your heart, but just know that I cry with you...death is awful no matter whom it takes, but a child? How the hell is that even fair?
I love you....HUGS, Kat
Elissa, thank you for that. It is so true. I love both my sons the same but differently. They each bring something different to the table, if you will. And like you, I know our children are still with us. One thing that helps me get through the day is knowing I will be with Jake again. Lots of hugs, Jake\'s mom, Kathy