Please know I'm not unduly sad in spite of what I'm writing... I'm thinking... just thinking and trying like we all are to come to grips with what has happened...In the movie A Time To Kill... there's a scene... where the grandson (lawyer) goes to visit the mother of the two kids who died... and she trys to explain why his grandfather has to die... I think of that scene often... and whether I want to or not... it runs through my mind... why did Cara have to die... why did any of our babies have to die... why do any of our loved ones have to die... And if we allow those thoughts to go on... We can follow them in circles forever... I don't know how many times I'm going to see Cara walking up that hill and be afraid of what she might have been thinking... She told me she didn't commit suicide and I believe her... she told me it is wonderful there.... and I believe that too... I love her...so why can't I be happy that she's ok now... I'm trying... Cara would get very angry with me in those last few months when I nagged her over and over to quit drinking... I told her... and I thought I meant it... that if she would get help and she was ok and the kids were ok and she never wanted to see me... that as long as she was ok... I'd accept that... Well... she's ok... the kids seem to be ok... but I guess I lied... because truth is... I don't accept it.. I just live with it... and I don't like it one damn bit!
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Elissa,we would have told our kids anything if we thought it would have helped them in thier fight..I could never understand it myself..i often asked ,\"why can\'t u stop,,for ur son,just try.\" even my daughter ried to explain,how its a disease,u can\'t beat cancer,a brain tumor,leukemia,.Those are just examples of horrible diseases people suffer with & try as they might,they succumb to them.Druga is the same thing..I have never seen Dennis in a dream,vision,anything..Just heard his voice 1 x say real loud\"MA\"..I think it\'s because he thinks I\'m mad @ him brecause of the lies..I could never tolerate a lie or any type of phoniness.I have to except that they\'re no longer here..I don\'t like it but to know my son is no longer worrying about the pain,the lies ,keeping everything straight in his life,I can\'t begrudge him that..It\'s my selfishness that wants him back,for his son ,more than for me,but it\'s not gonna happen & I can\'t make myself any crazier then I already am..i have my bad days,he is constantly in my thoughts,but we don\'t make the rules.you\'re doing better day by day..it\'s not an easy recovery for us,but we will get to an acceptable place sooner or later .this is what gets me thru every day.Stay Strong! Love,Edith
Elissa, none of us like it one damn bit but we just try to get through the days we have left. I am trying to trust in what I know. I know Jake is happy, loved, and experiencing things that I can\'t wait too. Some days this is enough to sustain me. Other days I yell, scream and cry. The other thing that sustains me is my friends here. For without any of you, I don\'t know where I would be. Lots of hugs, jake\'s mom, kathy
((((Elissa)))) I don\'t like it one damn bit either. I am his mother and I want him here with me...it is how it is and how it will be until I leave this world. I do a lot of thinking also but not nearly as much as I did in the beginning...trying to get a grip, trying to make sense of it all but for me there is no making sense of the senseless. It is wrong, it is unfair and always will be but it happened...do I accept it...no, no, no, a thousand times no...silently I scream \"no\" over and over...doesn\'t undo it but my heart cannot accept it...don\'t think it ever will...not really. Know you are loved and are never alone in this.
There is not, and NEVER WILL BE, any acceptable reason for the loss of a child. So the fact that we can\'t, don\'t and won\'t accept seems perfectly rational to me. I don\'t think what we\'re doing is \"living with it\". I think maybe the reverse is true....... that we die a little bit more every time we think about it and the fact that we go on with our lives in spite of the loss is often just because we have no other choice. It makes perfect sense to me that, even though she is \"happy\", you can\'t be \"happy\" without her......... You shouldn\'t have to be.............
You loved her and she\'s gone............
I wish I had answers E......... But all I have is my love for you.
((((carasmom))))
Amanda
F.R.O.G.
I feel the pain....... I guess it will never go away.. Just like the love you have for Cara and the support you gave her..never ending love..I know that\'s what you gave your daughter never ending love.. Please know I think of you often Love D