when I wrote my last journal entry I thought it would help... me and others... but I'm afraid its made it worse... It sounds like maybe I'm saying I'm glad my child is in heaven... glad she died... That's about as far from the truth as it can get... I still have awful moments when I don't think I can ever feel like life is worth living... moments when I wish I'd died myself rather than Cara... If it could have healed her... given her back to her children... given her life and healed her I do wish that... I'm just trying to accept that she was in trouble and she couldn't see her way out and God knew that and so he took her home... We all know how awful that moment we heard was... We know how the image of them dead haunts our waking and sleeping moments almost to the exclusion of every other thought. We know the times that we ask ourselves... if only I'd have... or if only I hadn't have... So some days I look for a brief respite... and its brief... Somedays I don't look for anything except to try to breathe... So today's journal entry isn't helpful to any of us... Its just some thoughts... Maybe it might help you to know that no matter what I try to do I do hurt just like you... Still I think we're supposed to try to feel better... to help each other to feel somewhat better if only for a moment... because there's too damn many moments between now and then... Yeah I know .... this one's a downer... but we all have them... we are not alone... Actually we're not even without our loved ones... Its just to understand and accept that... I'm trying... sometimes I feel hopeful... and sometimes I don't....So I won't ask you if you could have one wish what would it be.... Not today... but I'd like to ask you and I'm asking myself as I'm writing... If I could do one thing for myself today... what would it be...I think I'll try to do some cleaning... to allow myself some time to feel sad if that's what I need to feel and to try to do something constructive so I won't feel so useless. And I hope that everyone will do something just for themselves today... Hugs Elissa Again there's no sad icon... I don't feel bad, horrible, ok, good, or excellent... I barely feel at all today... only sad....
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One thing I could do for myself today.I will go to work, because that is my sanity. I will be nice to people so that they will be nice to me.
oh sweetie, i never got that impression from reading your journal. {{{hugs}}} Elissa! love you! ~ charlayne
listen, you write whatever you need to write and keep true to yourself..how people react is their own issue , and people should learn not to compare themselves to other peoples journeys..we all take this journey in our own way and all ways are right. all ways are as they should be..i believe every spirit knows when it will leave its physical body, and thats just me..everyone has their own way of understanding this , and every way of understanding is right for each person, because we are all a part of each other (god, infinite one) but we are also as individual as snowflakes ..you write whatever you want to, because you are a beautiful, wonderful, magnificent spirit called carasmom, who i am honoured to know ...love and light marianne
We each find our own moments of respite, wherever and however, our circumstances are all different, our grief is individual as are our beliefs...please don\'t apologize for saying how you feel or what you think. And you\'re right, there should be a sad emoticon. Now, what one thing could I do for myself today...I indulged in a nap, some quiet time with a soft blanket and hopes for a dream of my son. Love you.
I never got tha impression either. Don\'t be so hard on yourself, sweetie.
Hey I say ditto to all. We are all going through this terrible thing called grief the best way we know how. Remember there are no manuals, and this is your journal if no one likes what you have to say then oh well. Keep doing what you are doing cause you are growing and taking the baby steps. I am here whenever you need me for whatever you need. Love ya Lora
WELL ELISSA I TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD BECAUSE MY SISTER HAD A HARD LIFE. SHE WAS ALWAYS STRUGGLING WITH MONEY AND JUST WASN\'T REAL HAPPY WITH HER LIFE. SO REALLY THE ONLY THING THAT EVER MAKES ME FEEL OKAY ABOUT HER PASSING IS KNOWING SHE DOESN\'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. THAT DOESN\'T MEAN I DON\'T WANT HER BACK, BUT WITHOUT THAT ONE THOUGHT OF HER NOT SUFFERING I WOULD REALLY BE IN BAD SHAPE. SO IN A WAY IT MIGHT BE HARDER FOR PEOPLE WHO LOSE SOMEONE WHO IS HAPPY AND ENJOYING LIFE TO THE FULLEST... I DON\'T KNOW, IT\'S ALL SO HARD....ECSPECIALLY THIS ONE YEAR THING. I DID DO SOMETHING NICE FOR MYSELF TONIGHT, MY SON AND I SAT OUTSIDE AND WATCHED THE STARS. I WAS HOPING FOR A SHOOTING STAR, A SIGN OF SOME SORT I\'VE YET TO GET THAT. LOVE YOU, LISA
Hey Elissa....if I had one wish?....hmmmm....I would wish for peace of spirit knowing my child has made it...he really made it. No more suffering, no struggle, warm and safe in a really great place with Adam and Cara and Mama and Jan and Pat and Molly rushing to keep up.
I pray for the time that the what ifs take their place in the past with the realization there is no such thing as what if in this lifetime. All we can do is live in the present and do the very best we can with those entrusted to us. The greatest part of that is love. They take that love with them. There is no fault where a mama or da is concerned...there is no fault where a child and parent is concerned...there is no fault where a husband or wife is concerned. No one wishes anything bad on those we love. It happens despite our best efforts to prevent it. We are left to do what? Grieve? Carry on their memmory? Love some more? Or curl up, wither, retreat into ourselves, protect ourselves from being hurt this way again, deny the very thing that gave them life....the love? Nah, you keep being who you are...you love because you know deep inside you that\'s who you are.Nah, you are not always sad...you have you moments of light, there are flashes of happiness and they become more frequent and then it becomes how they lived not how they died...it becomes their gifts and not their flaws. You learn to say thank you God rather than WHY. I wish you peace. Love Ya, Kathy
i like the way you rephrased that question to \"if i could do 1 thing for myself today what would it be\". to answer this question is to keep you moving forward. please don\'t feel you always have to be upbeat & write only positive stuff in your journal. i think that\'s what DS is all about. we all have some kind of pain in our lives & we\'re here to support each other through good and bad. i don\'t hold much back myself as it is the first time in my life i\'ve ever been able to say what i truly feel without some kind of negative consequences. it\'s been such a big relief for me & has lifted so much off my shoulders. it has improved my outlook on life also. we are here to support each other in all things. hugs to you my friend.
Love you and thinking of you. The sadness can be unbearable but we are right here with you on your journey. love, lana