So I've been down in the dumps again... whining and crying all over the place... and feeling guilty... I've seen Cara... I've talked to Cara... Cara has talked to me and hugged me for pete's sake... For 30 years I've had signs from heaven... It doesn't matter... I'm still human... still I fall into the pit... I ask myself why... I don't know why... I guess its like several of you have told me... Its part of it... but I really thought... I was supposed to stay strong... especially after that last dream... and all the other messages and signs.... but I'm not strong... I'm not immune...I had to laugh at what kaydeedid wrote... she likened this grief journey to a roller coaster ride... and that was weird because that is exactly what I was thinking recently... and thinking about the fact I've never been able to ride the roller coaster... Mama took me to the fair for my 8th birthday... I got on the roller coaster... made one round... because at the top... yep... I was green... but I didn't baptize anybody... Yall owe me big... obviously I had to do the round... to bring me back down... no problem with getting the guy to stop the ride and let me off... I made it off the ride and down the ramp... and yep... but at least I didn't dump on anybody... and like kaydeedid... I want off... don't we all... I'm a little stronger tonight... because of your prayers and support... I'm sorry to need them so much... all I can say is I'm facing some additional issues and I'm scared... and still hurting... you know all of it... I'm waiting for God to take my hand... and lead me... and I'm telling yall because I know God hears me when I write... so that's my prayer... I'm admitting God... I'm scared... and I really need you to take this over for me... When I asked for your prayers... I realized it was ok... Again... I am learning... things I've told other people... its ok to need as well as to give... but I got to tell yall... I have a hard time with that one... Slap me John Manuel... John Manuel is my friend... who died the same time Cara did... from cancer... It was weird... they died within minutes of each other... both here in Baton Rouge... John was at home with his family... I'm truly glad for him... and Cara died on the interstate within a few miles of John... and I have wondered if John's there friends with Cara... He tried in spite of how ill he was... he came to my house one Sunday morning and just talked to Cara... he really wanted her to make it... for my sake... because he was my friend... and for her sake because he had been there... and he was a good person... So why did I say slap me John Manuel... I say his name because he's my friend and I want the world to know it... anyway... besides being a truly good person... John was so much a giver... he didn't know how to take... and I used to fuss him so much about letting people give back some of the good he had been giving for years... He had a hard time with it... and I understand... I don't think I'm as hard to let go of my pride that way as John... but... yeah... its hard...Ok... long enough... computer seems to be doing better... I'll close for now and go read some more... Hugs Elissa
Replies
Elissa I know your darkness. I know that lump that never seems to let you take a breath. I know the frustration of not being able to look up and see light for the pain. I know the fear of being sick.
Roller coaster? Yes...some good days...some bad days...but the lonliness is there...the need.
What do you do? How do you get past it to a brighter, lighter feeling? HMMMMM. Take a breath, take a step, sing at the top of your lungs, yell, laugh, cry, shop at Walmart, dig, sew, cook....but bring Cara with you whatever you do. Go to your local school and maybe be a classroom assistant or a lunchroom mother. Help in the library at school, teach CCD, help with a girl scout troup. Get busy, stay busy. Will you still be in pain? Yep! It will always hurt but maybe not quite as overwhelming as it is now.
I don\'t know how to tell you how...I care...I want to help....what can I do? I can listen, I can hug you, I can feel what you are feeling but I can\'t make it go away. Love Ya Kathy
Hey Elissa I know about the roller coaster the one we are on and the one that I would only ride once when I was a kid. Once was one too many for me. Needless to say I dont like this one either. I think Kathy is right when she say that she cant make it go away. None of us can but it is great to know that when we are down we can try to put our feelings down here and somehow someone says that little thing that always makes us feel a little better even if it is only for a bit. Just know we are with you and are all praying for peace with you. Love and hugs Lora
Elissa, I too have been up, down and sideways for the past few days. This rollercoater is unbearable at times. Just when you think you\'re going to coast for a while BAM you get turned upside down again. And just because we do get turned upside down does not mean we are not strong. We are, you are. Being on DS writing, reaching out, sharing are just a few of the ways our strength is being revealed. These are also some of the ways in which our strength renews itself and grows. And I too have had many gifts from Kala, yet want/need more. And though I\'ve had these many gifts and know of her safety in a wonderful place I still sometimes fall into that deep black pit of despair...why you asked and answered...because I\'m human. I think I will struggle with my Kala\'s physical death until my own occurs. I think I will have to wake up everyday and just be determined to do my best, whatever that is. And I think I have to forgive myself for falling into the pit from time to time. The way I see it is every time I\'ve fallen in the pit so far I\'ve also managed to crawl back out. We can and we will and we must survive this. We will do it together. I\'m here for you my friend.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri
I LEFT YOU A MESSAGE, AND FOR THE RECORD YOU RECEIVE MORE THAN YOU KNOW AND GIVE MORE THAN MOST... *K
((((Elissa)))) I don\'t think we have to stay strong, I think we only have to feel what we feel when we feel it. There is no shame in loving and missing our children, no shame in needing a friend, no shame in crying, no shame in grieving. I am human and it hurts beyond measure that my son is dead...if I get out of bed in the morning I am doing well, whatever I accomplish in a day is okay, whatever I don\'t...well that\'s okay too. Be gentle with you and allow your self to be human, allow yourself to grieve. Love you.
I love you Elissa, thats all I can say. I\'m praying..
I love you Elissa and you are always in my heart....and I do mean always.
Hi Elissa, isn\'t it ODD how one day we are fine and strong, and then within that same day or maybe the next day, it is the toughest hardest most painful one we can have?! I hate that!!!! This month is terrible. Its all chelsea memories. I hurt knowing you hurt!!! I hope you are feeling better!!! I never feel like anything I can think of saying would help. These losses are way too big for words. I love you, Nichole