I was just getting ready to add another journal entry for today... and I happened to notice that in the first sentence... I said before I died... and you know what... I did die... the person I used to be... and that would be so sad... but perhaps some ignorant ugly parts went too... Lorab... Cara dealt too... She didn't tell me until that was done... but I still gave her hell... I asked her how was she going to feel about the dealer who would be trying to sell to her kids in a few years.... but I still loved her... so no I don't hate Wayman... and I don't hate Cara... I honestly believe Cara was on the way to getting her life together... she really needed the long term inpatient care... but the week before Cara died... she was more like her old self than she'd been in about 4 years... Part of me thinks God mercifully let me have my baby girl back for a few days before he took her away from me... Part of me wonders if she was so close that somehow I should have managed to protect her just a little bit longer... None of me really knows the answer to anything...Anyway... about the kids... In response to a friend's inquiry about them...I have seen my grandchildren 3 times since Cara died... This from a time when I used to see them nearly every weekend and actually having Elizabeth with me for much of her first 18 months of life... 2 of the times I saw them I traveled to Houma to see them... 2 hours away... Dec 23... I went to Houma... Mothers Day weekend they visited here from around noon Sat to noon Sun... and June 21st I went there.. I'm not content... but Ben has a lot on his plate... and I have things in the way too... I do talk to them and to my son in law often... I got sick and ended up in the hospital shortly after Cara died... Then I lost my job... My interest in seeing them isn't matched by my husband's... therefore his interest in paying for us to go see them isn't all that high... Its not that he's a mean man... but to be honest... I would rather have spent our whole vacation in Houma... I couldn't even have one night... Yep I'm a bit bitter...I have talked about them and how much I worry about them... I guess not often enough... what is there to say... I'm scared to death for them... They seem to be doing pretty well... but I have to wonder about all the times their mom is not going to be there... Its going to be hard... and what they went through before she died... seeing her destroying herself like that... its a nightmare in the making... My granddaughter writes some on her mother's memorial page... She tells her mama how much she loves and misses her... she tells her that she cries for her... She talks about how she talks to her mama and her mama talks to her... I'm glad she's able to put into words some of what she feels... She's written some beautiful words about her mama... My oldest grandson turned 13 May 10th... He told me that he cried because he was both mad and sad that his mama was not there for this important birthday... The youngest child Logan... will turn 5 July 24th... I worry about them and I'm so afraid... I don't know what to do except to keep assuring them that their mother was a wonderful person and that she loved them very much... I tell them that she is always with them and that they can speak to her any time they want... I really don't know what else to do but to be here with my heart and arms open for them...I don't tell them about my writing on daily strength as I don't want them to read the things I write when I'm down... They don't need to worry about me... Years ago I was involved in an abritration case which I won... but for the longest time felt that I lost... The ruling included a statement that said I was the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve... Oh I was so ashamed of that... until a couple of months before Cara died... I thought to myself... you know... it that's the worst they said about you... you must not be too bad... matter of fact I thought to myself... I don't think that's a bad thing at all... I'd much rather be a person who feels too much than too little... So... thinking about all I write... I decided at least for today... I'm not going to apologize... Yes I feel sorry for me... and my family for having this happen... and I feel sorry for my friends here on DS who've gone through so much... and I feel sorry for complete strangers who's stories I read and hear about... I just feel too much for everything... Oh... and I can feel joy for myself and my loved ones... and for you and yours and for complete strangers... I'm an emotional person... That's not necessarily good or bad... but if you hurt... you decide... would you rather I care... or that I yawn in your face like someone did to me recently... He was talking about the powers that be... I think maybe he really was tired... but as he yawned and said 2 or 3 times... they just don't care... I wondered where he stood... care... don't care... and to be honest... I think it was don't care... I get it a lot in one form or another... I won't say its ok... but I really do think one reason Cara died was because the line of don't care is way way longer than the care line... A natural result some might say in mankind's eternal struggle to be top dog... who has time??? Anyway... just some more thoughts...
Replies
Thanks for the kind words of Wayman. They brought tears for a second but nice ones. As for the children I too have 3 grandchildren 1 I see daily as I have told you and 2 boys 13 and 15 that I haven\'t seen in months. Not allowed to visit. Long story but I do get to talk to the 15 year old Aaron cause him and my son go to school together and hang with each other on the weekends. They have a mutual friend where they will spend time at and Aaron calls. I worry for them too cause of daddy\'s past but all we can do is be their if and when the time comes. I think it is ok for them to know how hurt we are cause it shows how special their parent was. Only for them to remember the ugly is not good. I like to share how Wayman drove me crazy as a child. It brings joy to me and to them. Never be sorry for how you feel or anything else and those that want you to be sorry arent worth having in your life. keep on hanging in here. Lora
I understand the fact that whomever you were a part of you died. You are not the same now. I was Peter Pan and refused to grow up whenever I was with my kids. I became such a different person. With my grandchildren came a little fairy dust becuase I play with them all the time.
I cannot imagine not having them with me or in my life. I think that would be my ultimate downfall.
With the summer here wouldn\'t Ben consider letting the kids come to you for two weeks? Even if it was one at a time? Even if you had to drive down to Houma to get them?
Perhaps your husbands pain over Cara has taken the path of withdraw. When Timmy died I withdrew from the other seven kids. I didn\'t want to love them because I never wanted anything or anyone to crush me like that again. It took me two years to be drawn back for that precipice.
You know what? There is nothing at all wrong with caring. As a matter of fact people that don\'t care have a problem. Wearing your heart on your sleve is the very thing that enables you to draw people to you. Once they find you, you offer love. Most don\'t even know the word.
I for one am glad you are who you are. Love Ya, Kathy
Hello Elissa. For some reason I thought they lived close to you and that you are an everyday part of their lives. It\'s sad that you dont see them often enough. I think Id try to be in their life too much if I were in the situation. And it\'s probably for selfish reasons. Id be wanting to see and feel my son/daughter through them. I think I would go without my husband if he weren\'t as willing as me. The girl is at a rough time now, 13. Thats a hard time for girls. It must be very hard only having her father. My heart just breaks for you, for them, and for the whole situation. Thank You for sharing. And thank you for the kind hug. You are so sweet and caring. Love you, Nichole
I hope you that you will start to get to see the grandkids more often. It must be hard to see them all the time to hardly at all.
And it\'s okay to be emotional.... a wise person once said *wink* It means you are a real person and I think it\'s better than being cold hearted where NOTHINIG effects you! So smile for me.
OK.......... It\'s going to sound strange............. But consider the source:
I judge my progress personally.... on an emotional scale and on an emotional basis. If my heart is well, or even if my heart is unhappy, and it\'s on my sleeve...... then I know I\'m doing OK. If I\'m broken and crying, or ranting and raving........ I\'m OK........ It\'s feeling NOTHING that sets off my warning bell. Feeling nothing means I\'m slipping again. Feeling nothing puts me closer to the hole. The deep, dark hole with sides to smooth for a finger or foot-hold....... The hole that swallows all my feelings and all my strength and courage. The hole that finds a way to make me comfortable sitting at it\'s bottom absent all light and sound. The hole that swallows me whole and sucks all the emotion out of the marrow of me and then leaves me laying in a pool of forgotten feelings wondering why it is that I don\'t care enough to try and climb out...............
In a world of cynicism and anger, isn\'t wearing your heart on your sleeve really a badge of honor? Isn\'t it a symbol of hope and belief for those who remember that caring is not only good...... it\'s what we are here for. Our hearts are why we love, how we care and the muscle/motor that keeps our bodies going......... You should NEVER have to apologize for feeling and you should only worry when you stop.
I love you E. Now, take Kat\'s advice and you go get those kids!