Its All About Me I'd like to explain the reason for the Subject line of this message... Shortly after I died a "friend" bought me a coffee cup... that said... "Its all about me" I took it to mean that she was tired of hearing me cry about Cara... I hated that coffee cup.. I'm proud to say it was never used... not even once... It took me about 6 weeks... but I took that cup outside and I covered it with an old rag and hit it with a sledge hammer... I am so glad I did that... I resent so much the mean spirited person who did that... I wish I could tell her what I did with that cup.... Dreams... In the months before Cara died I was worried. I saw her killed in so many ways... all of them horrible... I saw her lying in a field; beat to death, strangled, stabbed and cut up, always after having been beat up and raped... She was drinking and sometimes she would hitch hike... but in these things I don't know if you call them daymares or what... I was always awake... The morning Cara died I saw her... She was lying in a coffin... wearing a tannish pant suit... her body was so swollen I thought at first it was my mother as I was seeing her from a distance... but as I got closer I realized it was Cara... The dream occurred shortly before the alarm woke me to go to work at 4am... Cara died at 3:05am... I told Richard about the dream as I got ready for work... he was half asleep and didn't really hear me... I was anxious but I'd had the daymares so often I thought it was just a bad dream brought on by my fears... so I went ahead and got ready and went to work... Sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't realize Cara had come to me... I went to work like it was just another day... Now most of the time when I see Cara I am awake... sometimes its good... sometimes its pretty awful... A couple of weeks after Cara died I was on the way home from work... I wasn't consciously thinking of her... but suddenly I could see her... I saw the car hit her... I saw her hit the pavement... She turned her head... once to the right... once to the left... she said Mama, Mama... and then she was gone... I feel torn to pieces... she called for me in pain and puzzlement... she needed me to fix it... obviously no way I could... I should be grateful that she wanted me... but I just feel sad because I failed her... Luckily I've had other visions... She has told me she loves me... She has walked beside me... she has even hugged me and I her... One night I was obsessed with wondering if she'd been facing toward or away from the car that hit her... I was thinking that if she was facing toward the car.. perhaps she'd stepped out there on purpose... it hurt me to think she'd been that sad... anyway... I got up... I was trying to write a note for my God box to ask God to help me with this obsession and suddenly Cara was inside my head saying determinedly... I did not commit suicide... She said it several times.... My mind was eased... I talked to her then and told her how much I missed her and how sad I was... and how much I loved her... she told me that she loved me... but that she could not say she was sad or that she missed me... and that it was wonderful there... I was taken aback somewhat... How could she say she was not sad... and that she didn't miss me... and just to say that it was wonderful there... seemed terribly understated for the marvel that heaven is reputed to be... I thought on it... and it came to me that she is not sad... nor does she miss me... because she is not gone... and she knows all the answers to the questions that I am still struggling with... so there's no reason for her to be sad nor to miss me... and the understatement perhaps arises out of the impossibility of explaining heaven... I'd say it was all conjecture or guessing... but I think there have been signs in my life that make it very possible or even probable... Someday soon I want to share the stories of a couple of visions I have had that make me believe in God and heaven... I've been lucky although from the tone of my letters it may not seem like it... When I am in despair... and no matter how many visions or dreams I have had... I still have moments when I fear... still a a part of me believes... why else did God send those earlier messages..... They comfort me... still I am sad that the state of affairs that existed and that I believe contributed to Cara's death still exist... I was watching a story about Danny Baldwin tonight and his struggle with drug addiction tonight and I was wondering again.. as I often do... Why don't they get behind a massive push for helping people fight drug and alcohol addiction... why don't they recognize the components of emotional problems that fuel the problem and push for help for others... How can they ignore what its doing to people when its happening all around you... There are so many big names who have lost family members to depression and substance abuse... why don't they help others... I know a lot of what I write is indeed about me... but a lot of what I write and think about is about how this problem is on going... has been going on for some time... and its not being addressed... I don't think anyone is so blind that they can't see the so called efforts to stop it are fake... When Cara died I was told that the reason there had been no openings was because of a shortage of funds... I have since been told by several sources that actually there was a surplus of funds at the time... Shortly after Cara died... they started a new program called Access to Recovery... or ATR... I should be glad about ATR... but I'm not sure I am... yes... I resent that it wasn't there for my child... but I also wonder if its not just a bunch of lies... Will anyone ever really understand the connection between mental illness and substance abuse... Will they ever try... I miss Cara... she doesn't visit as often and surely not near as often as I would like... I wonder if she was in a kind of limbo that she was able to visit more often before... and now she's gone on... but gone on to where... will I see her anymore... or will I have to wait till I die now to see her... I don't know... I'm not brave.. I'm not soldiering on very well... I wish so much I could see her but I won't say once more... I've seen her several times... once is not enough... I'm lucky... but it doesn't matter... I still want to see her... I want to see her lots... It may not happen but I want it... I'm selfish... I miss her... I don't understand, nor accept, that God took her... Its just what happened but I can't say I'm even a little okay with it... My mind keeps saying.... if only someone would start helping me work on making a difference... I hate that the pill mills are still in business... I consider it nothing more than legalized drug pushing and the quacks... they don't deserve to be called doctors that run them are murderers... and the authorities who allowed and allow them to be in business are accessories to murder... The detox facilities who weren't moved enough to help us get her into the long term inpatient treatment center acted with depraved indifference and I hate them... I'm angry every time I hear the name of the Our Lady Of The Lake Hospital... every time I pass by there... I hate them... I hate the people who work for them... I know its not everyone's fault... but whose fault is it... If only someone would say her name... and say it shouldn't have happened and help enact legislation that acknowledges the problem maybe I could find some peace... but this is not happening... what is happening is that other families just like mine... other children just like Cara are struggling as we struggled at this very moment... somebody may be dying... another family may be facing this pain... and I hate it.... I've told this story over and over... so once again... I've cried myself through it... and I'm a little calmer... till the next time... I keep hoping... someone will read it... and care... and do something real... like put their name on a concentrated effort to change things... like Billy Crystal, Robin Williams and Whoopi Goldberg did for their causes in Comic Relief... like Willie Nelson and his Friends for Farm Aid.... Like Danny Baldwin and so many others could and should for better understanding and better treatment for substance abuse which would include the component of understanding the link between mental illness and substance abuse... Lots of people seem to think "hey if you want to kill yourself by using and abusing drugs or alcohol... that's your business... and frankly the faster you do it the better off the world will be... They may continue to feel that way... until it hits close to home... I didn't think that... but I was mostly worried about my own... and now its hit close to home... and all I can do is hope... that people will get proactive rather than reactive... I wasn't that conscious of the problem either... now I am... but I'm willing even eager... to see things change... I could write for days... perhaps even years... but for the moment I'll close... Thanks for Listening... Elissa
Replies
Good Morning Elissa. I am in total agreement with your letter, having been \"Cara\" myself. I could not escape the pills, or the need and addiction to them. They STILL enter my mind, saying \"Take a handful, you will feel so happy\". Then I think of Cara and others who were very close to me, who have passed on after their livers said NO MORE! I wish there was more they would do, or some answer they could come up with. I watch my son, still drunk every night of his life. But he hasn\'t missed a day of work, so he doesn\'t think he has a problem and gets mad at me when I try to intervene. My mom always wonders, \"Did Chelsea drink and smoke pot the night before? And if she hadn\'t would she have had a little more ebergy or strength to make it a little faster across the highway\"? She was on the white line at the edge, almost on the grass! But I feel like you do. There will never be enough done to save people. They view druggies and drunks as \"scum\". And honestly, I used to too, until I became one. Now I have sympathy and understanding. No one WANTS to be addicted, and wasted everyday. They are just trying to soften whatever pain they suffer from mental illness and depression. Anyone who suffers depression, will be an instant addict when they feel \"EUPHORIA\" from the drug! But that doesnt last, and then the tolerance climbs while they chase that euphoric feeling again and again, never to reach it. You are a great woman, mom, friend, grandmother, etcccc I am so glad I got to meet you and learn about Cara. I will always be here if you ever need me for anything. love you, Nichole
Hey Elissa i too agree with you. Before my son was murdered I was in school to become an Addictions Worker. I learned so much about the disease and how so many of the patients are addicted only because of the emotional diseases they have and are not diagnosed with it. It is very sad and yet it does make me angry. I am sorry to say my son Wayman while he did the drugs he mostly sold the drugs so you probably would not like him much. But just as your Cara had her problems my son did too. Emotionally he was dead many years before last year. God that is so hard to write. I too have many nightmares when Wayman is standing in front of the man pointing the gun at him ready to shoot and all I hear is Wayman calling for me. I hate that image so much. I couldnt help him either so friend I sure know that feeling of sadness we feel their. I also agree wit Nichole and you both about the fact that the almighty people who have never been touched with the pain we share have no idea or want to know that are children were in some awful deep pain that we as their moms could never take away. It is so so so sad. The one happy thought I have for myself and if you want you can share it with me is that the Euphoria they chased here on this earth is now constantly with them. But it is their the right way now from the Almighty Father above. You have a great day.
My heart is with you.. My son faced his battle with addition and was on the road and started to slip and was too ashamed to get help. I wish I could have just a moment to tell my son that the battle is forever speckled with ups and downs and never to give up...Lots of love, Karen
When I read these stories, I know that I must reach out to these young people and try to help-our kids came from homes full of love but so many of them ended up in that awful cycle of drugs or alcohol-so imagine the young ones who don\'t even have a decent home life like ours did? When the Bible talks about the harvest being so great-I believe it must be our young men and women who have to face this crazy world-it\'s amazing any of them stay sober or sane with what they have to face everyday-Cara is so at peace and I am glad you are able to \"see\" that every now and then-the other visions are just the bad dreams your mind makes up-so understandable-but I have become a firm believer that however our children died, they did NOT face it alone-I totally and completely believe that their angel or angels (I know Chris had two) were right there and no matter how it looks on the surface, any fear they had was gone in an instant and they were gently taken on-it is just so difficult for our earth bound minds to see past this world-but our kids are not bound by anything now-their spirits are now truly free! Love, Sandy
OH ELISSA I\'M SO IMPRESSED HOW YOU WERE ABLE TO GET THIS STUFF OFF YOUR CHEST..... I WAS DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY 1 EVENING AND SEEN THIS GUY ON THE SHOULDER OF THE HWY. HE DOVE IN THE GRASS AND STARTED CRAWLING AROUND IN THE GRASS. IT WAS I MY LITTLE BROTHER JASON, I PULLED OVER AND GOT HIM IN THE CAR, HE WAS LAYING IN THE BACK SEAT. HE WAS SURE PEOPLE FROM THE MEXICAN MOPHIA WERE AFTER HIM. I ASKED HIM WHERE HE WANTED ME TO TAKE HIM? HE SAID \"I GOTTA GO TO THIS GUYS HOUSE\". I SAID WHERE DO I TURN? HE SAID \"QUIT TRYIN TO GET IN MY F-ING HEAD KIMMIE\" NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT NIGHT HE ENDED UP ON THE PHSYC. WARD. GOTTA GO, BE BACK SOON AND I WILL CONTINUE *K
ELISSA, I\'M ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN, AND AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THE 4 DAYS I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL I WAS WITH MOSTLY TEENAGERS, WHO HAD DRUG AND/OR ALCOHOL PROBLEMS. EVERYONE OF THEM WANTED HELP. AFTER THERE 3-5 DAYS WERE UP THEY HAD TO FIND A PLACE TO GO. I GOT REALLY CLOSE TO ONE BOY, HE SPENT HOURS ON THE PHONE TRYING TO GET HIMSELF IN REHAB. DIDN\'T HAPPEN, IF IT WEREN\'T FOR MY SON I THINK I WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM HOME WITH ME. BEFORE I MET THESE YOUNG PEOPLE I DIDN\'T HAVE TOO MUCH COMPASSION FOR DRUG ADDICTS. I\'M GLAD I WAS ABLE TO MEET AND BE WITH THEM AND SEE THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THEN ANYONE ELSE. THEY ARE JUST ILL AND NEED HELP, BUT THE HELP JUST ISN\'T THERE. SO THEY LEAVE THE HOSPITAL AND END UP BACK AGAIN...... SO SAD. GREAT JOB BREAKING THE COFFEE CUP!!!!!!!! PEOPLE CAN BE SO IGNORANT. ALL MY LOVE AND PRAYERS!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) LISA
That is awful that she gave you a mug like that.... glad you demolished it! Hang in there Elissa.... thank you for sharing.