First I want to apologize... I know yall do mean it... and I probably do need it... although I'm ashamed that I just can't seem to stay out of the pit... Anyway I'm sorry...We all complain about our kids sometimes... but this went beyond that... still I guess they have the right to say it.. and to feel it... and it brings up horrible memories... On the day I went to buy flowers for Cara's funeral... I knew the lady... and I told her why I was there... and she told me she envied me... She'd just been getting hassled by her husband and her mother because she keeps wanting to help her husband... and she'd just got off the phone with him and I know she thinks it'd be easier if he were dead... but she really doesn't... she's just tired.... I don't think they really realize how fast it can happen... And once its happened... there's no going back is there... I had pictured Cara dead so many times in so many awful ways... You'd think I would be expecting it... I wasn't... and sometimes even now it hits me like its something I just found out... I keep seeing things on TV about young people in trouble because hospitals, psychiatrists, etc etc etc... don't work with the parents... Hell they don't even work with our kids... That's not the goal... I've told you how they actively seek to encourage people not to admit to being suicidal... Hey... as long as they can get your kid to say they're not suicidal nor homicidal... they don't have to do anything.... Its a game... and much as I don't want to I wish they could at least consider... how would they want it handled if it was their kid... And then in Cara's case... she wanted help... but it wasn't available... Why do I keep bringing it up... Well... among other things since Cara's death I've found out that contrary to what I believed... Cara was not real drunk... her blood alcohol level was .12.... that's not that high... It may seem like it to those who don't know what some of her previous levels had been... try .43 She was really trying... and I keep thinking maybe... just maybe... if I had.... oh well... I didn't... and then I found a note... kind of a to do list... where she talked about how she wanted to get her life back... the steps she saw as necessary to getting it back... and finally her blunt statement... Quit Drinking Or Die... she knew... and she didn't want to die... So the days get longer and harder... what else can I say... that you don't already know from personal experience...
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IF YOU DON\'T MIND ME ASKING WHAT GOT YOU SO RILED UP TO BEGIN WITH? DID YOU READ MY JOURNAL AND THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY KIDS? IT WAS MY BROTHER I WAS TALKING ABOUT. DON\'T KNOW WHY I\'M ASKING JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE IT WASN\'T OR WAS ME... LOVE YOU ELISSA LOVE *K
I always walked the \"straight and narrow\"-the goody goody girl-it\'s just how I was-then I had Chris-boy, did he step out of the path! I over reacted on so many things-but then I think did I under react on others? Did I underdo or overdo with him? Did I miss any signs I should have seen? I think we all go through this-is there anything else we could have done-I worry that I was just ignorant of things that I should have been aware of-but I had over reacted so many times to things that most kids just do that it was all very confusing for me-I know in my heart that his accident was just something that happened and that I truly was not the cause of nor could I have prevented it short of locking him up in his room unitl he was 30-but I think being Moms we just constantly look and look and try to figure it all out when the truth is we just can\'t figure it out-it just happened. You know we all truly feel your pain Elissa-I think a lot of us have been feeling pretty down lately and it\'s just something we somehow must get through until we can see the light a little brighter. Take care. Sandy
Oh Elissa...if it was the conversation that Kimmie and I were having I am sorry. It sounded very harsh I know. I love Kimmie and her family as if they were my own. I am very very protective of her, Silver and the kids. She has a brother who has hurt her in the past and has the potential of affecting her health now. What you read is tough love. I want her to stop wanting what she cannot get. The stress is taking a toll on her health.
Her brother is abusive and has an addictive personality. He is a druggie and alcoholic. He has abused his mother, his father, Kimmie\'s kids and has tried to intimidate Kimmie. He has stolen from her and her family and he broke his mother\'s heart.
At 24 years old he is headed for jail or death. The reason is not because he cannot get help...he doesn\'t want help. He thinks he has won by intimidation. He sees no reason to seek help.
This is in no way ever what Cara went through. Cara was a loving and giving person. Elissa, if I had known her she would not have gotten past me...I would not have let her go without help. I would have traveled to you to help her. The difference here is that Cara wanted help (number one reason), she had kids (a big factor in recovery), and she had parents who cared (support and encouragement from family is key). What happened to Cara was through no fault of her own. It was an accident. Yes, she had problems that she needed to get help for and she wanted help for. The medical system failed her. I think if she had gotten what she needed she would have served her community well. I don\'t know why but I think she would have made a good nurse. Possibly from the story you told about how she cared for her father. Elissa, goodness is burried in our souls and Cara was good. She never hurt others, she was confused and finding her way out.
This boy brother of Kimmies is destructive, self-centered and self-serving. He is too arrogant to harm himself he hurts other people. The very best thing that could happen to him is to be put in jail where he cannot hurt people and cannot obtain drugs. If he is clean he might have a chance to express a need for help. I don\'t want Kimmie to get caught up in the drain when he goes down the tubes. He has already cost her too much.
Suicide or homicide are not criteria for therapy they are criteria for in-hospital care (commitment). Unfortunately, I wonder at the care given in many of these facilities across the country. Addiction is gene related, or an imbalance of chemicals, or brought on by a traumatic experience (often unknown to family). It could be rejection by a group of friends or not being invited to a party, or bullying, or trying to fit in with what friends are doing, etc. The friends get out, the addictive personality cannot without help. I also think it is not even half the battle to stop the addiction. I think they need behavior modification, self-confidence training, encouragement to seek a job that they are happy with and proud of themselves for doing. Usually, these kids find themselves in a service oriented career, i.e. nursing, counsiling, geriatrics, pediatrics, etc. Because they have a problem they are not bad people. You get them away from the addiction, balance their brain chemicals, direct them to possitives i.e. friends, activities, hobbies, education, etc. Look at career counceling, obtain grants for education, possitive re-enforcement on a continuous basis. Another thing is to get them involved with old people or children who are sick and need them. To be needed and trusted in paramount. These are the things you cannot get at an in patient facility. There is not time or trained personnel to do this work. It is not that they don\'t care, they don\'t have time.
Do you know how there are clinical research groups for cancer? There are also clinical research groups for addictive disorders. These groups use the latest theories to treat the whole person not just the addiction. God I wish I had known Cara then. Elissa I wish I had the words to make it right for you. There are no words.
Love Ya, Kathy
(((Elissa))) For me there is no shame in being in the pit...my child is dead and the pit is part of this horror...I can\'t flip a switch and make myself feel other than I do, react other than I do, see things other than I do...I am forever changed. Be gentle with you...holding you close...love you.