I decided to gift myself today... with telling the truth...  Today is not good... Its not all bad... but its certainly not good... Its 8 months today...  I seemed to be doing better at 3 or 4 months... when I was determined to celebrate all the anniversaries I was supposed to mourn... but unfortunately I'm finding it a bit harder than I realized... now for all those folks who said I told you so... yes you did... congraulations!<> We went out to supper last night... When I got home I got out of the car and I looked down the driveway... the driveway that my baby will never pull into again... I looked at the lawn... it looked pretty good... freshly mowed... I looked at the trees... they looked nice... I looked at the shrubs... the azaleas that will bloom again next spring... the house... It looks good... but I can't share it with my child... so I kind of hate it... I kind of hate everything at times... I cried myself to sleep and I am crying this morning....  I decided to say it like it is in spite of the pain I might inflict because I'm not only sad... I'm mad at the way I can't seem to get a grip...  so maybe I'll float on anger for awhile... Trying to quit smoking... its adding to my angst... I was thinking with bitter amusement... this list I have.... might not be quite on target... It says hang on... the urge only lasts 3 to 5 minutes...  well... I must confess... I feel like with the tenseness of my urge I could run the a/c for a month or so or push the car to the Circle K to get a pack of ciggarettes...   I'd have to push the car up there because once I got that first drag I'd collapse and need a way back home... LOL  So... I've come around again... cried... bitched and moaned and finally smile... cest la vie... a term you hear often in south Louisiana... meaning... such is life... and I guess... that is true... Its not all bad... not all good... Hugs Elissa 

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Elissa I am so sorry you are feeling this pain. Grief cycles. You feel sorrowful and resolved and the horrible feelings of loss sneak up and bat you in the back of the head. Reach for Cara today. See her in the driveway, on the step, at the azalias. See her in the yard or roaming through the house running her hand along a table. Let yourself remember her laughter, her anger, her kindness, her joy. See her with the people she reached out to and cared about. Love Ya Kathy
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Kathy\'s right, I never thought about it...grief DOES cycle...you\'re doing well, feeling in control and then it just comes back around, the same feelings, regardles of time. Maybe the cycles lengthen as time goes on? I\'m so sorry for the hurt, the unfairness...thinking of you! love kath
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Hi Elissa, I am glad you are still able to feel and not numb out. When we cry, feel and hurt, it makes us feel closer to them, and like we still care. Then when we r done, we feel some sense of relief. I am just glad u are feeling a little better after it. U r always in my heart and mind. I know you are in constant pain and grief and I wish I could change it for you! I hope u have a good weekend!!! Love you, Nichole
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ELISSA I COULDN\'T WRITE BEFORE BECAUSE I TOO AM FEELING REALLY SHITTY!! I SPENT ABOUT AN HOUR LOOKING OUT MY WINDOWS INTO MY BACK YARD AND CRYING. RELIVING MEMORIES OF JAN SWINGING ZACH ON HIS SWINGSET, TEACHING HIM HOW TO PUMP!! THROWING HIM PITCHES, PLAYING CATCH WITH HIM. SHE WAS THE ONLY AUNT WHO WAS WELL ENOUGH TO DO PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES WITH HIM, PRETTY IRONIC... AND MY DECK, OH THE GREAT TIMES HER AND I HAD SITTING OUT THERE TALKING, LAUGHING, JUST BEING TOGETHER. SO YES, GOOD MEMORIES!!! BUT HOW IT HURTS TO KNOW HER LIFE HERE IS OVER AND I WILL NEVER BE WITH HER AGAIN UNTIL I DIE!!!!! SORRY I WROTE A JOURNAL HERE. ALL MY LOVE!!!!!!! LISA
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{{{hugs}}} i am with you, Elissa. every step of the way. we will just learn to face the not so good days together. and i will be thinking of you today and always. love you!!!! ...charlayne
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You have all the rights in the world to how you feel, and none of what you said is easy to overcome, it\'s hard as hell to keep keeping on when the one we lost isn\'t here with us to help keep us going...
Smoking vs gas in the car....hmmmm...I have had the same question go through my mind as well...but I keep managing to do both...for now that is. The day I have to chose will not be a purty one! As I need the gas to go to work on, so I guess it\'ll be my smoking that losses out...and I won\'t even want to be around myself when that happens...I feel for those that will have to put up with me....God will have to give me all of His strength to get through it without killing someone in the process! Nah....I don\'t believe I\'ll be killing anyone, I just know I won\'t be in a good mood!
Hang in there sweetie, we have got ya covered! :o) Love and Hugs, Kat
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(((((Elissa))))) I\'m so sorry for your pain and so very sorry that Cara is not here with you. The grief does suck and it does get worse for awhile as we go along, and yes it cycles. I too hate all of the things I can\'t share with my child, all of the things he\'s not here to enjoy...it\'s all so unfair and so damn hard. Know that I care and that you are loved.
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Elissa, you help so many of us, it is now your turn to let us comfort you. Sending you much love, Dianne