Again... moved by someone else's journal I've been trying for two days to write the following... I'm going to throw it out there... just want yall to know why I haven't been writing so much... <>I do tell people to understand that while they don't... and maybe they shouldn't... have to like what their kids are doing... they might want to make sure they always tell their child that they love them... and then I tell them why... Sunday night I brought Cara to the hospital... she'd had a confrontation with a family member... she needed stitches for a cut under her eye... This is a hard story...  we argued... she tried to jump out of the car while it was moving... I turned into a church parking lot and let her out of the car... I regretted it immediately... I followed her begging her to get in the car and let me bring her to the hospital... she just kept walking... cars came up behind me... I'd drive up a ways and turn around and go back and beg her to get in the car... Finally we were at a point where I had to drive up a little further to find a turn around place... <><>I turned around and headed back... as I neared where Cara was there was a lady standing with her... A van was across the street... I pulled up... The lady asked if I was Cara's mother... said Cara needed to go to the hospital... The lady said she'd almost hit Cara pulling out of the church's driveway... <><>Yes another church... I've often wondered if the lady had hit her... I mean she wouldn't have been going that fast just pulling on to the road... would Cara still be alive... I asked the lady if she'd bring Cara to the hospital.  She had refused to get in the car and let me bring her... I don't know if the lady heard me... things were kind of confusing... Cara told the lady, "that's my mama..."  she reached for the car handle and got in. <><>Part of me wished the lady would bring Cara, maybe she could talk to her... I felt like such a failure... Maam do you know what happened to my child... Did you see it on the news... read it in the paper... They shut down the interstate for several hours while they scrapped her body parts and brain matter off it....<> So we got to the hospital... after a lot more argument during the trip... Cara had told me to go get her stuff and bring it to the hospital... I'd ignored her... We went in and I explained what had happened... they brought Cara to triage... I went with her... she told me to go get her stuff... I didn't plan on doing that no matter what... but I'd worked 12 hours... I figured I could pretend I was doing what she told me... I asked her if she was sure... she said yes... God why did I leave.... I should have stayed...  I got home... figured I'd go back and get Cara in an hour or two after they had a chance to take care of her eye... She called me said the doctor said she might have intercranial bleeding and wanted to do a CAT scan...  Ok... I told her to let the doctors do what they needed to do... but she wanted me to come get her... and I thought she needed to let them do the CAT scan... and I refused... she started crying... said she wanted to go home... I was trying to scare her into doing what the doctors said... I asked her what home... yep... I wasn't trying to be ugly... I wanted her to do what she needed to do... oh how I wish I'd never said those words....  well my baby girl never has to worry about anyone asking her what home again...  I finally told her that I would come get her but first she needed to let them take care of her... she kept saying she wanted me to come get her and I refused... Finally she told me "okay mma"  I took the phone off the hook for about two hours... It was back on by 10:30pm... but she didn't call... She didn't die until 3:05am... where was she... during until then... I don't know... <> Yeah these memories are hard...  I'm not telling you so you'll feel bad for me.. As much as I ever will be able to get over it... I'm over it... but I just want you to know... so you will never no matter what... forget to say I love you....