If you have not read yesterday's entry... I hope you read it... Today's entry is in response to a comment made to yesterday's entry... well it started out that way... but then my mind drifts... and I followed it... kathy is Katmac... she's only one though of sveral Kathy's... and Lisa's and Deoborah's and so many whose stories came to my mind and heart as I read this... there is starfish... and sandart, Rea, Leo, Renee, Barbara, Jonsmom, Brentzmom, mari, comet, emptyvessel, Bailey, the list is much too long... and I think of all the ways man dies... the ways our children died... and I'm appalled... keep praying... keep struggling... I'm reminded of was it Anne Frank's father who said... I wondered why those of us who survived did survive... and I realized... it was because we had to survive to tell the story of those who suffered as we suffered but did not survive, to tell their story and our own stories...  Interesting... before there was spoken or written language... there were story tellers... you can "read" their stories in cave drawings... This is not all sad... or not to me... thinking about the beginning of words... the arbitrary designation of sounds to have this or that meaning... the division up of time... into years, seasons, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds... these are testaments to our strength and drive... We survive.... and we tell our stories... we refuse to be forgotten or to let those we love be forgotten... Thinking of all these things... I believe its an appropriate line of thought for memorial day... I will remember... I will tell stories... I have survived... Love You All Elissa  Oh... I'm making progress... I kind of felt like maybe I was wrong to say I loved my friends here... but truly my heart is full of caring and concern.... I thought maybe it was only love if you'd be willing to drop everything and run to someone's rescue as we would for those nearest and dearest to us... but I do believe what I feel for my friends here... and even those people whom I know only through their journal entries... its still love... yes it has variations in intensity...  but if love is caring about others... than we do love...   Another thought... geez Elissa... either quit thinking... or quit sharing your thoughts so much... alas... I'm not inclined to do that... no apologies... why say you're sorry for an action you're going to repeat.... probably... almost definitely... more than a few times... this is the journal entry from formomsonly... please understand... I'm not criticizing... I just have questions floating in my mind... We all do... and one of the good things about my life at this point... I'm older... and I have quite a strong sense of... hey... I'll die someday anyway... so I simply don't care to worry about whether people always like what I say or not... its that Rhett Butler thing again... I heartily endorse the adoption of this attitude... because frankly... why should we conform... that's not why God gave us a brain... The Entry: "All significant loss results in grief. If you've lost a grandparent, a pet, a job, or had to move, you have experienced loss and grief and the associated streess. For 'normal' stress, your mind automatically responds to whatever pattern you use to deal with stress. However, when a person experiences extraordinary stress, the normal coping mechanisms are not enough. As a result, when a person experiences a loss beyond the normal stresses and conflicts of life, they subconsciously begin to cycle through various methods of coping trying to find one that works better. This happens to everyone who experiences extraordinary stress. The not necessarily rational logic used by your subconscious is: 'I have to try something new, after all, if the normal method worked, the stress would be gone.' Half of dealing with grief is recognizing this cycling process (which occurs over and over again) and working through the disruption and pain that accompanies it. The other half consists of enduring pain. While it is extreme, deep and forceful, and while it never completely heals, you can learn to cope with the pain that grief provides." This second section is called INCAPACITY. The author lists examples of the typical period of incapacity following severe loss with death of a child typically being 1 to 3 years. He states that people who have lost a child are not capable of gauging the depth of their incapacity due to loss of mental function. "Many people report that immediately following their loss, they lost the ability to stand, talk and think at the same time." He says that they were unaware of this at the time. In addition to this mental dysfunction, financial demands are often increased. The demands on your ability are INCREASED as your ability is DECREASED. Is it any wonder that we have difficulty coping? Again, I'm offering this as an explanation for WHY we are all feeling as lost and confused as we are, not as a solution to any of our pain. I wrote this because I not only have issues with the "designated" grief period... but with wondering... what happens when we're "all better"... to wondering... do I want to be "all better" Truly I guess I analayse much too much... but that's me... and I'm not alone am I... My response: I'd like to know... so what happens after 1 to 3 years... surely I'm better... but I'm still so much worse as far as being able to bounce back then I've ever been in my life... and I'm not sure what I want recovery... sounds crazy??? but does that mean I forget my child... except in a passing way... Yes it hurts to crawl on the floor crying and begging to understand why... but I see her and I don't want to let go... I'm scared to let go... part of me feels that if I let go... I'll let go of life... because I won't be able to stand losing my child again... so what happens when I "recover" please tell me... I am somewhat amused... the way someone... often myself... tears apart people's "statements of fact?" perhaps we should be afraid to open our mouths... but... well... I never have been known for keeping my own counsel... why should I change now... *Smile* Hugs and good morning... Elissa   I'm glad you wrote... I feel somewhat helpless to help you... but I'd like to... Its got to be frustrating to continue with a behavior that doesn't get your goals met... I don't remember who it was who said... behavior doesn't occur in a vacuum... that there was a reason for all human behavior... although the "pay off" might not be at all apparent to the individual... because of that thought process... I tend to pick apart or analyze my own behaviors endlessly... actually to the boring stage... I remember wondering... why do I cry so much... am I just a big ta tit... (cry baby)... weird... I decided its because I'm still stuck in infancy... if I cry long enough and hard enough... "someone" will pick me up and make it "all better"  actually that's a reasonable belief... after all... isn't that one of the first things we learn... cry... and mama or daddy or someone will pick us up... and soon we'll be all smiles... but life... isn't always fixable... I have spent so many damn years of my life hating myself... that I am pissed with myself... the payoff I hope to get for that... that I'll change... and I am... not always for the better... but oh darn... here comes that Rhett Butler feeling again... You're awfully young love... so in case you don't know... Rhett Butler is a character from a movie... "Gone With The Wind" ... at the end of the movie... heartless beast that he's become... Rhett utters his immortal line... "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn..."  Its a way to say up yours without actually saying it... in a way that was more suitable for the times...  Now I hope you understand that the up yours or frankly my dear... was intended for a world that always seems to want to judge us... and we never ever ever pass the test... grrrrrrrrrrr Ok... I feel better... I've bitched and moaned and quite enjoyed myself... its your turn... Hugs Elissa