Another mood change...
I keep berating myself for writing angry and sad thoughts in my journal... but they keep coming... Just yesterday... hell who am I kidding... it seems like at some point every day... I hurt again... knowing I won't see her face... nor hear her voice... I look at other young women with blonde hair and I think... does she look like Cara... when she moves her head this way or that... but then she opens her mouth... and her voice is not Cara's... I guess its wrong to even be looking... Yesterday I just wanted to see her the way I saw her Saturday evening when I came home from work... She came home later Saturday just like she'd promised... I'm pretty sure she'd been drinking... I didn't raise hell... She was very sad... and we talked and I gave her some tylenol pm to help her sleep and figured we'd just try again... I wasn't mad God I only wanted her to get well... I'll never see her like she looked Saturday wwhen I got home from work again... She looked better than she had in years... She had hope I had hope... but now the only hope is that I can help someone else and I don't know if I have the energy to follow through... I wanted to see Cara's face so bad like she was Saturday... but all I see is her face in the coffin... and it wasn't happy... she had a look on her face that was almost angry... a sneer... surely that was makeup and the damage... I called it her sad face... I know they did the best they could... but that wasn't my daughter... not as I knew her... do yall think because I don't make a lot of mistakes I don't cry as I type... sometimes I close my eyes and type... I go back and fix the few mistakes I made... I don't type it all at once because I can't... I love my son but I wish he'd quit getting angry at me because I try to talk to him about the pain... I need to let it be... at least with him... my way is not his...
well I've set us all up for another bummer... this is why people want us to get over it... and they may be right... I don't know if I'm mentally ill or if this is normal... and really I don't care.
I keep berating myself for writing angry and sad thoughts in my journal... but they keep coming... Just yesterday... hell who am I kidding... it seems like at some point every day... I hurt again... knowing I won't see her face... nor hear her voice... I look at other young women with blonde hair and I think... does she look like Cara... when she moves her head this way or that... but then she opens her mouth... and her voice is not Cara's... I guess its wrong to even be looking... Yesterday I just wanted to see her the way I saw her Saturday evening when I came home from work... She came home later Saturday just like she'd promised... I'm pretty sure she'd been drinking... I didn't raise hell... She was very sad... and we talked and I gave her some tylenol pm to help her sleep and figured we'd just try again... I wasn't mad God I only wanted her to get well... I'll never see her like she looked Saturday wwhen I got home from work again... She looked better than she had in years... She had hope I had hope... but now the only hope is that I can help someone else and I don't know if I have the energy to follow through... I wanted to see Cara's face so bad like she was Saturday... but all I see is her face in the coffin... and it wasn't happy... she had a look on her face that was almost angry... a sneer... surely that was makeup and the damage... I called it her sad face... I know they did the best they could... but that wasn't my daughter... not as I knew her... do yall think because I don't make a lot of mistakes I don't cry as I type... sometimes I close my eyes and type... I go back and fix the few mistakes I made... I don't type it all at once because I can't... I love my son but I wish he'd quit getting angry at me because I try to talk to him about the pain... I need to let it be... at least with him... my way is not his...
well I've set us all up for another bummer... this is why people want us to get over it... and they may be right... I don't know if I'm mentally ill or if this is normal... and really I don't care.
Replies
Elissa, I can tell when you are crying when you type, can feel the emotion as I read your words, shed some tears as I read...your pain is intense and raw, and as I said, it is felt.
I have images that come to mind, like John in the ICU and here at home, and at times it is so hard to pull up the happier images. I know that is because that is the last images burned in my brain...don\'t let ANYONE dictate to you to get over it...you ARE normal, your pain IS real, and for most of us, it is a pain that we have NOT experienced, so unless someone has lost a child, then we can NOT know how it feels...losing a parent, sibling, spouse, friend, pet...they ALL hurt, but I think the loss of a child we be the end all like NO OTHER PAIN IN THE WORLD...you are not insane, but I bet you feel as though you are losing your mind at times, God, who wouldn\'t dealing with what you have been through.
As far as your son, Christina does NOT want to talk about the loss of her dad and it angers me too at times...but I have to tell myself as you have, my way is not her way. My loss of the same person is completly different to hers. She lost her daddy....I lost my husband, best friend, soul mate, and my love...looking at that this way has helped me to realize that while we greive the same person, it is so completly different...think I just had a epiffany...:o)!
As I am writing this, I just learned something myself here...just want to let you know that I love you, that I feel some of your pain and tears, and of course laughter in the things you write, and that I think you are pretty damn special. Hope I have helped you some...lots and lots of hugs and love, Kat
You know something Elissa? It\'s more than 20 years and I can still see Timmy in the coffin? I see my parents standing there so forlorn..my dad with his arm around my mom. I see my kids lining up to kiss Timmy good-bye and each place a favorite toy in his coffin with him. I see him laying there with his John Travolta Easter suit. (He loved getting dressed up and he would dance all over.) I see his mouth closes with just a slight smile...that wasn\'t him he always had the biggest grin. His dimples weren\'t showing...that too was strange. He was cold and he didn\'t hug back. There was nothing right about that day and I can still bring it back on demand. Pain, sad, sob like a baby still. No, the other kids, my mom...no one understands how deep it cuts. Sure I function just like always. But its there just below the surface if I let myself go there. Blame...I blame me I blame his father I bleame God I blame the little kid down the street I blame the school I want to know why my family. The blame and the answer to why just hang there. I always needed to feel his check against mine the way that only he could hung me. I long to hear his sing song voice or see him run through the house with a freahly cut yellow rose. Yep it don\'t even help that they have created a vacination for Hemophilus Influenza so it won\'t go into meningitis. Sure there are thousands of families that won\'t suffer the loss I did but fact is I still suffered the loss. So every day I get up and think of my boy, I smile at some of the antics I remember, I shake myself out and go about my daily routine. I rarely go to that abyss that holds the grief and horror and utter devastation and futility of lost hope but I am aware that I can go there at any instant. And then I remember the smile and the warmth and the love and the pure happiness that was Timmy and for that space in time I smile with him.
Love Ya Kathy
(((((Elissa))))) Please don\'t be sorry...don\'t apologize for being REAL and for talking about your pain...OUR pain...you don\'t set us up for a bummer because it\'s always there...your comment on my journal was not selfish, not at all, it was you relating to me, to my pain...an understanding that while I wish we did not share...we do...and it validates our experiences...and it lets us know we are not crazy, that this is normal...as awful and horrendous as it is...it is normal...I understand wanting to see Cara again and looking for her...I look for my boy...the longing to see him never ends...the last I saw him was when he walked out the door that night...there was no coffin for him because of the fire...I fight the visions and look for the memories of him as I last saw him...this is too damn hard on the best day for all of us. ((((hugs & understanding)))) Love ya
Im sorry you are hurting so bad. But to me it seems like we always will. I dont think Ill ever wake up happy. My sister is dead and gone forever. What good was our 13 years? To fall in love with each other, and leave me in fucking shambles forever. A constant pain over not having a sister, remembering how close we were, remembering how much my boys loved her and knowing they will never have her as auntie again, knowing my girls never got to know her, but maybe they r lucky cuz they dont know the greatness of the loss? Im just so sick of it. Then I read your journals, and Sybils, and it is the same for u guys. Just pure pain and hell. Anniversary dates to torture us just a little more for that day, and birthdays that arent anymore cuz shes dead. I just have not a freaking drop of optimism. It cant get better, shes dead. Now I can live my life knowing someone else will die eventually, and if it aint me, Ill feel more fucking depression and be more damaged and UN-WHOLE. Then if it is me, I know my kids will be fucked up for life. Whats the point and reason for anything anymore? Life sucks.
Thanks yall for your love and support... I\'m going to try not to say I\'m sorry so much... Hopefully like me when I read your journals you\'ll recognize how this is a very similar struggle to your own... and we\'re still not alone... That\'s worth a lot... I don\'t know why I have to keep writing this stuff... but I\'m obssessed... You know what... I think a lot of us go through our whole lives thinking no one understands... and suddenly... we\'ve got a medium to dump it all... but what about the positive side of us... that\'s as real as the negative... I try and at times it comes out... but mostly its the sad angry side of me... ah well... perhaps that\'s what I need to do... I don\'t know... like the rest of you I\'m putting one foot in front of the other...
Not all life sucks... but the memories that we don\'t want... they\'re here and we have to fight them off again and again... how can I say memories we don\'t want... because we long to return to that period prior to the death of our loved ones... we want another chance to fix it... not going to happen... sometimes I can comfort myself, sometimes I can fight the memories hold them down... I think about terms like collateral damage... that\'s unintended fallout of an action that had to happen... an indirect object if you will... the fire that killed her son and sent him to heaven left her in hell... the car that killed your sister and sent her to heaven left you crying forever... the car that killed my daughter and sent her to heaven leaves a hole in our lives that nothing will fill... these are true for all of us... so that\'s why we should be our brother\'s keeper... just think.... prior to Cara\'s death... I was making over 20 thousand a year.... had insurance which allowed me to pay for my own medical needs... now I earn nothing... I do not spend near as much since I don\'t have it... I am a drain on the nation\'s resources... mental health care... medical care since I\'ve gotten very ill through all this... all my meds... and I\'m taking some very expensive meds... and hey... if I get Social Security Disability... that\'s yet another drain... and who knows what the costs are going to be in terms of my grandchildren... they are doing well it seems... I can\'t imagine what they must think when it crosses their mind as it did my grandson\'s mind on his birthday... like he said... he cried... he was mad and he was sad because his mama wasn\'t here for this 13th birthday... and she\'d not going to be here for his 16th or his 21st.... his graduation if he makes it... his wedding day... she\'d not going to be here for any of them on any of those days... and although they may do their best to think loving thoughts and acknowledge that her spirit lives within them... they\'re going to want her standing beside them... and its not going to happen...
Why don\'t I go to work... because if I do I don\'t know how we\'ll meet our medical needs.... tough shit... get off your ass... who wants to hire a 51 year old woman at a salary that will allow me to meet my own needs... what a joke.... so I\'m in Sam Kennison mode most of the time in so far as trying to pick myself up again...
Okay... enough dumping... for the moment... its okay if we smile at this juncture... bet yall thought I was never going to shut up.... ok you\'re off the hook momentarily... *Smile* all jokes aside... I truly thank you for caring. Hugs Elissa
I know so well... the feelings of wanting to self destruct... since I\'ve been labled for years with mental health tags... depression... manic depressive... chronic depression... sometimes I wish so much I would go totally out of my mind... I want amnesia... I want to know nothing not even my own name.... but mental health or illness however we look at it... to me, hell its all about self hate... and that... I don\'t know why... just know I never felt like I fit in... and its so true... so my children are everything... they love me in spite of it all... and I\'ve been so grateful and loved them so much... and now Cara\'s gone... I know she still loves me.... but I can\'t hear her voice... he beautifu voice in my ears... only in my mind... I can\'t see her with my eyes... only in my mind... can\'t hold her... can\'t even hug her and try to make her feel better... nor she me... yeah I guess I\'m dwelling too much... keep hoping someday I\'ll get cried out... but damn its like a nursing woman... the more required the more provided and there\'s not pills to make my tear ducts dry up.... perhaps I should view it more as a rose bush... the more you pick the roses... the more the bush produces... but the rose bush still has a time to bloom and a time to lie fallow.... so why can\'t I... just have to try harder... the first think I\'m going to do... is stay off of here for the rest of the day... don\'t know if that will help... time after time I try to stuff it under the covers... and it pops out.... everything and nothing triggers it... just the simple act of seeing someone who looks something like her.... or hearing a voice that sounds like her... oh and I so want to call that young lady and say would you call me every day.... I don\'t ever want to see you... you won\'t look like her... but I want to hear her voice....
Thanks yall for your love and support... I\'m going to try not to say I\'m sorry so much... Hopefully like me when I read your journals you\'ll recognize how this is a very similar struggle to your own... and we\'re still not alone... That\'s worth a lot... I don\'t know why I have to keep writing this stuff... but I\'m obssessed... You know what... I think a lot of us go through our whole lives thinking no one understands... and suddenly... we\'ve got a medium to dump it all... but what about the positive side of us... that\'s as real as the negative... I try and at times it comes out... but mostly its the sad angry side of me... ah well... perhaps that\'s what I need to do... I don\'t know... like the rest of you I\'m putting one foot in front of the other...
Not all life sucks... but the memories that we don\'t want... they\'re here and we have to fight them off again and again... how can I say memories we don\'t want... because we long to return to that period prior to the death of our loved ones... we want another chance to fix it... not going to happen... sometimes I can comfort myself, sometimes I can fight the memories hold them down... I think about terms like collateral damage... that\'s unintended fallout of an action that had to happen... an indirect object if you will... the fire that killed her son and sent him to heaven left her in hell... the car that killed your sister and sent her to heaven left you crying forever... the car that killed my daughter and sent her to heaven leaves a hole in our lives that nothing will fill... these are true for all of us... so that\'s why we should be our brother\'s keeper... just think.... prior to Cara\'s death... I was making over 20 thousand a year.... had insurance which allowed me to pay for my own medical needs... now I earn nothing... I do not spend near as much since I don\'t have it... I am a drain on the nation\'s resources... mental health care... medical care since I\'ve gotten very ill through all this... all my meds... and I\'m taking some very expensive meds... and hey... if I get Social Security Disability... that\'s yet another drain... and who knows what the costs are going to be in terms of my grandchildren... they are doing well it seems... I can\'t imagine what they must think when it crosses their mind as it did my grandson\'s mind on his birthday... like he said... he cried... he was mad and he was sad because his mama wasn\'t here for this 13th birthday... and she\'d not going to be here for his 16th or his 21st.... his graduation if he makes it... his wedding day... she\'d not going to be here for any of them on any of those days... and although they may do their best to think loving thoughts and acknowledge that her spirit lives within them... they\'re going to want her standing beside them... and its not going to happen...
Why don\'t I go to work... because if I do I don\'t know how we\'ll meet our medical needs.... tough shit... get off your ass... who wants to hire a 51 year old woman at a salary that will allow me to meet my own needs... what a joke.... so I\'m in Sam Kennison mode most of the time in so far as trying to pick myself up again...
Okay... enough dumping... for the moment... its okay if we smile at this juncture... bet yall thought I was never going to shut up.... ok you\'re off the hook momentarily... *Smile* all jokes aside... I truly thank you for caring. Hugs Elissa
I hope things look up for you tomorrow. There\'s nothing wrong with the way your feeling. Take care. -Hugs-
(((((Elissa)))))) Honey, I want amnesia too but it doesn\'t work that way...we do remember and we do feel this pain and anger...the negatives...and they do come out because it is there...yes, the positivies are there as well...but those negatives need to...NEED to come out for as long as they rear their ugly heads...keep talking...keep writing...you are not obsessed...you are grieving the loss of your most precious daughter...your heart and soul have been shattered and of course you are feeling it...we cannot stuff it under the covers...at least not for long...but we find a way in time to carry it with us...the negatives and positives at once...together...we accomodate this anguish...but it never leaves our broken hearts...just as our children never do. I no longer work either...collateral damage...medications, therapy, doctors are my new life...just all so wrong and so unfair to all who are left behind...but most unfair to those who lost their lives...and that makes me damned angry...that is righteous anger...not obsession. ((((Take good care and know you are loved))))
I think that is one of the hardest things to see a loved one lying there and they do not look as they should, they appear as someone you dont know. I am very sorry Elissa I know its hard to think of the loss daily but just remember nothing happens by accident, God has a plan for everything. Rejoice in what you have left there before and not what is no longer here. Be stong! Cry a little, it\'s okay... but in the end just you have family that loves you and people here in DS that love you too!!!! (((((((((((hugs))))))))))