Why today... hell I don't know... Like I said in my earlier entry... my brain is in overdrive... I've probably cried more today than I have since the day Cara died... I'm mad... and I'm sad... but maybe by crying so hard today I'll get better... lots of stuff going on....
Lil man is what Cara used to call T'Ben... A few days before she turned 17 we found out she was pregnant... We were both devastated... didn't know what to do... thought about everything including abortion... a doctor and nurse talked to us about adoption as an alternative to abortion... we didn't think we could do that... and we'd faced the fact that we weren't going to do an abortion... so now it was time to plan on keeping the baby... and so we did... On her 17th birthday Cara left our home to move in with Ben... it was not the choice I had wanted her to make... I wanted her to stay at home... go to school have the baby... us help her... love her and the baby... get an education to where she'd never be totally dependent on a man... but she didn't want to go to school... I contacted several unwed mother's homes... Found one that said encouraging or forcing the mothers to give the babies up for adoption wasn't done... that actually they worked with the mothers to help them be able to help themselves financially to keep the baby by having them participate in an office machines course while they waited for the birth of their babiess... seemed like a good alternative... I was so dead set against her quitting school... told her over and over... she needed an education worse than ever now... She didn't want to go to the unwed mother's home... nor to go to school... so she called Ben to come and get her... and then about an hour before he was due to arrive... she told me... I didn't know what to do.... I cried and screamed and raved and ranted... said a lot of things I wish I hadn't... finally we settled down to talk... I was so sad... it was her 17th birthday... and I couldn't even get her a cake made... So I asked her if we had time to run to the store so I could get a cake mix and her icing (german chocolate with double icing... its a family tradition... ) and she'd bake it in her new home... I just couldn't stand the thought of my baby not having her birthday cake... I don't even remember what I'd gotten her for her birthday... had I gotten her anything... I think so but I don't remember... So we went to the store... on the way we had calmed down and had some good moments.... It still comes to my mind from time to time... as we drove over the Prospect St Bridge... Cara said... "oh mama... you get so upset at times... its almost funny... you know some of the things I've done or said... I was yanking your chain..." We both laughed... and it was good... I wish she were here to yank my chain today... A post script re the nurse who helped us recognize that abortion wasn't an option... I ran into her at the K&B Drug Store... She didn't recognize me... but I recognized her... I went up to her and told her that although I didn't figure she remembered me... I remembered her... I reminded her of how she had talked to me and Cara and helped us recognize that abortion was a no go... and I thanked her for the life of my oldest grandchild, T'Ben... Like I told her... T'Ben was such an integral part of our lives that the very idea that we'd considered adoption was abhorrent... and it is... We have to be grateful for the times God does intervene... I can't help wishing he'd have changed our fates.... I can ask a million times why... there are no satisfactory answers...
If I had it to do over... I'd probably give in... but I didn't get the chance...
I found a piece of paper today she had written some notes on... She'd written saying she had to get help with her addiction... that she wanted to make amends to her family... acknowledged that she'd hurt everyone including herself but most of all her children... she wrote that she had to face that she couldn't drink ever again... and finally... she wrote... that she had to get help or die... and so I'm left knowing she died... It was written October 27, 2006... she died... October 30, 2006... 3 days... and I'm left crying again... but its all got to be faced... I asked God why... he knew what was going to happen... why... didn't he fix her... He tells me yes he knew and he's been trying for years to prepare me... I want to know why he didn't change it... why didn't he fix her here....
Don't be sad for me... it will be ok... maybe you'll find strength here to face your own hurts... it has to be done... its not like they don't keep coming around to kick us in the ass... I'm still praying for all of us. Love To You and Yours Elissa
Lil man is what Cara used to call T'Ben... A few days before she turned 17 we found out she was pregnant... We were both devastated... didn't know what to do... thought about everything including abortion... a doctor and nurse talked to us about adoption as an alternative to abortion... we didn't think we could do that... and we'd faced the fact that we weren't going to do an abortion... so now it was time to plan on keeping the baby... and so we did... On her 17th birthday Cara left our home to move in with Ben... it was not the choice I had wanted her to make... I wanted her to stay at home... go to school have the baby... us help her... love her and the baby... get an education to where she'd never be totally dependent on a man... but she didn't want to go to school... I contacted several unwed mother's homes... Found one that said encouraging or forcing the mothers to give the babies up for adoption wasn't done... that actually they worked with the mothers to help them be able to help themselves financially to keep the baby by having them participate in an office machines course while they waited for the birth of their babiess... seemed like a good alternative... I was so dead set against her quitting school... told her over and over... she needed an education worse than ever now... She didn't want to go to the unwed mother's home... nor to go to school... so she called Ben to come and get her... and then about an hour before he was due to arrive... she told me... I didn't know what to do.... I cried and screamed and raved and ranted... said a lot of things I wish I hadn't... finally we settled down to talk... I was so sad... it was her 17th birthday... and I couldn't even get her a cake made... So I asked her if we had time to run to the store so I could get a cake mix and her icing (german chocolate with double icing... its a family tradition... ) and she'd bake it in her new home... I just couldn't stand the thought of my baby not having her birthday cake... I don't even remember what I'd gotten her for her birthday... had I gotten her anything... I think so but I don't remember... So we went to the store... on the way we had calmed down and had some good moments.... It still comes to my mind from time to time... as we drove over the Prospect St Bridge... Cara said... "oh mama... you get so upset at times... its almost funny... you know some of the things I've done or said... I was yanking your chain..." We both laughed... and it was good... I wish she were here to yank my chain today... A post script re the nurse who helped us recognize that abortion wasn't an option... I ran into her at the K&B Drug Store... She didn't recognize me... but I recognized her... I went up to her and told her that although I didn't figure she remembered me... I remembered her... I reminded her of how she had talked to me and Cara and helped us recognize that abortion was a no go... and I thanked her for the life of my oldest grandchild, T'Ben... Like I told her... T'Ben was such an integral part of our lives that the very idea that we'd considered adoption was abhorrent... and it is... We have to be grateful for the times God does intervene... I can't help wishing he'd have changed our fates.... I can ask a million times why... there are no satisfactory answers...
If I had it to do over... I'd probably give in... but I didn't get the chance...
I found a piece of paper today she had written some notes on... She'd written saying she had to get help with her addiction... that she wanted to make amends to her family... acknowledged that she'd hurt everyone including herself but most of all her children... she wrote that she had to face that she couldn't drink ever again... and finally... she wrote... that she had to get help or die... and so I'm left knowing she died... It was written October 27, 2006... she died... October 30, 2006... 3 days... and I'm left crying again... but its all got to be faced... I asked God why... he knew what was going to happen... why... didn't he fix her... He tells me yes he knew and he's been trying for years to prepare me... I want to know why he didn't change it... why didn't he fix her here....
Don't be sad for me... it will be ok... maybe you'll find strength here to face your own hurts... it has to be done... its not like they don't keep coming around to kick us in the ass... I'm still praying for all of us. Love To You and Yours Elissa
Replies
You know Elissa when kids get to be around 15 or so, especially girls, they think they know everything there is to know about life. They want independence. They do not want to learn anything that they don\'t consider immediately useful. Their friends from school and the neighborhood spend time comparing notes about how impossible their parents\' restrictions are. Back in the day we rebeled by smoking or wearing too much makeup (after leaving the house of course) or coming in late. I dare to suppose you were raised in a strict but loving home with rules and discipline. My dad used to say Kathy you were raised the right way. You are going to make some stupid decisions and you are going to fall flat on your face but you have all you need to pick yourself up and move forward.
Elissa you raised you Cara the right way. She knew all the things she needed to do. I think she may have been a little frustrated with herself for not listening to you about school and supporting herself (of course they never do admit that you were right about something). She was headed back she WANTED to pick herself up. You gave her the tools to want that. Just like it was your support that gave her the strength to carry her little man. I think she probably had to sort out just exactly who this new adult Cara was and what she really expected of herself. At best this asge is far worse than adolescense. You still need to please people because it is so important that they love you and are proud of you. They tend to fail themselves or fall short of what they think you expect of them. They are overwhelmed with responsibility that they can hardly cope with. But regardless..your Cara was coming through it. She was coming through it because you gave her the right tools. She loved you,,,you know that. There is something about security that makes you rebel and return like the tides. In the long run, sometime in the middle of you life you realize that the aecurity of your family has become the cornerstone of your own family. I think maybe Cara found that out early and wanted to create what she knew for her own family.
What happened to your child is horrible. I wish so much that the pain and loss never happened to you. I wish I knew Cara\'s laughter and had seen the closeness between the two of you. But you know that would not even begin to help you now. As the shock wears off more and more memories will surface. Some good,,,some not so good. One at a time Elissa...one at a time. Write about them remember them. Cry. BUT never forget you were a damn good mother to her and Cara knew it!
Love Ya Kathy
((((Elissa)))) Crying with you...in the beginning the why no intervention question haunted me...but in time I resolved it in my own way and found a measure of peace...I hope that you too will find peace.
Elissa,
I\'m with you, my friend. I know the pain from a perspective of losing my Mom, but I know grief and you are in the \"eye of the storm\". Please buckle up as I believe you\'ve riden a wave and there may be more.
but, you are making it and will make it through this because you are strong. Take care. Love, Betty
Elissa, My heart aches with you. My Elvin was just released from a rehab two weeks before he died. He really tried to defeat that monster. I never understood what a monster addiction was until he died. Anyway I think God just said enough and took him home where Elvin could finally rid himself of all the guilt and pain he had felt most of his life. There is no pain or sorrow in heaven.In faith, hope and love. Pam
I understand your hurt and pain...believe me when I say I do. My mom died 13 years ago and \'till this day I sometimes ask \"why, why did she have to die...why can\'t she be here with me\"...but I try not to sit on that too often \'cause I\'d go crazy. I know your heart will continue to heal....luv ya, Debra Lee
Sometimes when you cry your heart out... it helps a lil inside. :)
The ending made me tear up there... :( *hugs*