I want to share some thoughts about our journey. I try to be upbeat at times... I want to comfort rather than to wound... but sometimes I just have to say what I'm thinking and feeling... I hope it will let you know... there's not a thing you can share with me that I won't try to understand... a lot of it... been there... done that... bought the T-shirt as they say...
On to my thoughts... my brain is always in overdrive...
So this morning... I was cleaning the stove top, and I thought about Cara doing many of the same things I do every day... I remember her dusting, and mopping, and sweeping, and vacuuming... at least once a day and usually 2 to 3 times a day... We teased her about how house proud she was... truth is... I was proud of her... I wanted her to loosen up some but I was proud that she was willing to work for what she wanted... a nice clean home... hey she was way better at it than I was... I guess we all start out good... I remember scrubbing floors on my hands and knees every night... hey... somebody might have wanted to eat off that floor... *Smile* anyway... thinking about Cara brings
back both good and sad memories... I try to veer away from the sad memories... but sometimes... anyway... I've dreaded the pain of losing loved ones to death since I was very young... I used to sit on the side of my bed and listen to mama coughing in the night... She was a heavy smoker and had coughing fits... She had to have a fan blowing right on her so that she could breathe when the coughing spells would hit her... so I'd sit there till she stopped coughing and I heard her lying back down... and then I could lie down and go to sleep... I used to think quite clearly that in one way I'd be willing to commit suicide rather than to deal with the death of my loved ones... I was a child very concerned with keeping the ones I loved alive and with me... anyway... today... I gave thanks that my mother did not have to deal with the death of her child... and my daughter... won't have to deal with the death of her mother... Is this an ass backwards way of feeling sorry for myself... probably... and sometimes... I do... It hurts... and you all know that... you've been there... done that... and bought the T-Shirt too... So for this moment... I just want to say... I'm truly sorry for all of us... I care and I hope that will help... Hugs Elissa
On to my thoughts... my brain is always in overdrive...
So this morning... I was cleaning the stove top, and I thought about Cara doing many of the same things I do every day... I remember her dusting, and mopping, and sweeping, and vacuuming... at least once a day and usually 2 to 3 times a day... We teased her about how house proud she was... truth is... I was proud of her... I wanted her to loosen up some but I was proud that she was willing to work for what she wanted... a nice clean home... hey she was way better at it than I was... I guess we all start out good... I remember scrubbing floors on my hands and knees every night... hey... somebody might have wanted to eat off that floor... *Smile* anyway... thinking about Cara brings
back both good and sad memories... I try to veer away from the sad memories... but sometimes... anyway... I've dreaded the pain of losing loved ones to death since I was very young... I used to sit on the side of my bed and listen to mama coughing in the night... She was a heavy smoker and had coughing fits... She had to have a fan blowing right on her so that she could breathe when the coughing spells would hit her... so I'd sit there till she stopped coughing and I heard her lying back down... and then I could lie down and go to sleep... I used to think quite clearly that in one way I'd be willing to commit suicide rather than to deal with the death of my loved ones... I was a child very concerned with keeping the ones I loved alive and with me... anyway... today... I gave thanks that my mother did not have to deal with the death of her child... and my daughter... won't have to deal with the death of her mother... Is this an ass backwards way of feeling sorry for myself... probably... and sometimes... I do... It hurts... and you all know that... you've been there... done that... and bought the T-Shirt too... So for this moment... I just want to say... I'm truly sorry for all of us... I care and I hope that will help... Hugs Elissa
Replies
brings to mind that my son was killed wearing his university T-shirt...class of 2007...it perished with him in the fire so his university sent me another one......yep, been there...done that...and bought the T-Shirt...(((((hugs)))))
Hi Elissa When my son died part of me died, Peter Pan grew up and it took a long time to find joy in anything. When my dad died the world stopped. I was horrified, my dad was not supposed to die, ever! When my sister died, I lost my life time best friend, my sister was not supposed to die we weere going to be the old ladies on the porch and spread wise council to all our children. My mom is going to be 86 in September. I do not believe I will ever survive her death. She is my best friend, my biggest fan, my worst critic, my greatest audience, my sidekick, the shareer of all adventures, my support group, my advisor, my chief pain in the ass. I know it will come, I know I\'m the last one standing so I will have to take care of things. Will I do it? Yep! But I pray every day that I don\'t live to see it. I really, really,really hope I go first. Then I think....hmmmm. Do I want her to have the pain I know I\'ll feel. The thoughts get too involved for me so I leave it for God to decide and enjoy her now while we are both healthy enough to do what we do best...love each other. Tomorrow will take care of itself and I guess that\'s the way its suppose to be. Love Ya Kathy
yes we have all lost love ones. no your not feeling sorry for yourself , your just thinking back like I do. when mother died 2 yrs ago I thought my world would come to a end. when I was a little girl, I had momma,daddy and brian(brother) and me. thats was our family. now I am all that is left of the family and it makes me cry often. I feel like I have lost my whole life and want them at times to come and get me. I am so lonely being all alone.
ELISSA, I TOO WAS THAT CHILD. I FEARED SO BADLY THAT MY MOM WOULD DIE. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS THREE? I USED TO TELL MY MOM WHEN YOU DIE I\'M GOING WITH YOU. I AM THE BABY OF 7, 5 YEAR SPAN BETWEEN ME AND MY YOUNGEST BROTHER. MY MOM AND I WERE VERY CLOSE. BUT WHEN I WAS 21 I WOKE UP AND FOUND HER DEAD ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR AT THE AGE OF 55. HOW I SURVIVED, I REALLY DON\'T KNOW. BUT I DID. LATER IN LIFE AS MY SIBLINGS HIT THERE 50\'S I WAS SCARED, I DIDN\'T WANT TO LOSE THEM TOO. JAN (MY SISTER WHO DIED) AND I HAD MANY CONVERSATIONS ABOUT JUST THAT. THE FACT THAT THERE WERE 7 OF US AND WE WERE ALL STILL ALIVE AND ALL STILL BASICALLY HEALTHY, WE WERE LUCKY!! BUT WE WOULD TALK ABOUT MY OLDEST BROTHER WHO DIDN\'T LOOK WELL, AND WHO\'S BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO UNCONTROLLABLE. OR MY SISTER BETTY WHO IS REALLY OBESE AND HAS DIABETES. WE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT THEM. SEE JAN WAS MY MOM, MY BEST FRIEND, MY CONFIDANTE. WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT EITHER OF US DYING THOUGH, HEY WE WERE YOUNG AND HEALTHY. SO WHEN I LOSS JAN TO CANCER AT THE AGE OF 48, I WAS SCARED. BUT MOSTLY I WAS PISSED. I ACTUALLY WONDERED WHY GOD DIDN\'T TAKE ONE OF MY OLDER SIBLINGS? YES I FELT GUILTY ABOUT THAT, BUT THAT IS TRULY HOW I FELT. MY MOM, MY JAN, THEY WERE MY FOUNDATION!! WHY GOD TOOK THEM BOTH FROM ME I\'LL NEVER KNOW? I DO THANK GOD FOR ALL MY SIBLINGS, HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE THEM. BUT DO I HAVE TO WATCH THEM ALL DIE? BECAUSE I DON\'T THINK I CAN DO IT. BUT I HAVE TO BELIEVE THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING. I HAVE TO TRUST IN GOD, WITHOUT THAT I WOULDN\'T BE HERE. OKAY ELISSA, I GUESS THIS BECAME MY JOURNAL...LOL... THANKS FOR THE POST, I\'VE BEEN THERE DONE THAT TOO!!!!