We are doing the same ole same ole... Its a dance I know well. The most exciting thing to happen was Monday night Richard's sugar dropped as he was driving home. He called me at 8:02pm... I often note exact times because I always worry, so I'm watching to see that he makes it home within the expected time frame... I expected him home between 8:25 to 8:30 more or less... when he wasn't home by 8:46 I knew something was wrong.

Most of the time I joke I'd rather be right than president but I have to say in this case I often wish I were wrong... At least this time it wasn't real bad... just one of those if this or that had happened it could have been... A few minutes after I noted the time at 8:46 a knock on the door... I go to the back door... no one there... I step out and see the front of a sheriff's office car... I walk toward the car and see a female deputy coming around from the front door... she I guess had gone to that door when I didn't answer her knock quick enough...

I'm always scared when this happens... Richard probably shouldn't be driving anymore. I have talked to him about it but he gets very defensive and tells me that there are thousands of people with diabetes just like him who drive and that if he should quit driving then they should too. He's probably right. They should.

Anyway the deputy told me that Richard had been found at the end of the street. His blood sugar was very low. I immediately said I'd get some orange juice, but she looked at me like I was stupid, and told me that the ambulance and fire trucks and other sheriff's deputies were there with him.

I know I sounded stupid to her but she doesn't know how often I have pulled Richard back with my straw and orange juice. They've told me not to put anything in his mouth if he's not conscious but this happens much too often to call the ambulance all the time. I hate calling the ambulance. I dribble orange juice into Richard's mouth... his instinct to avoid drowning makes him swallow... a quarter cup of juice and he begins to come around. Once he can help I slip the straw between his lips and he sips the rest of the orange juice.
Ten minutes later he's pretty much back to his self.

Anyway they did the dextrose thing... I petted his head and shook until he was better. Even though I know from several years of this happening I'm always scared till he can tell them what his name is, what day it is, etc etc etc.... There was an added element of fear in that one of the deputies told me he was found with the car running and in gear... his foot on the brake... naturally I wondered what if his foot had slipped. Grrrrrrr frustrating but its just one of those things. Not much that I know to be done about it.

So we came home... I had made chicken and dumplings... That's got a lot of starch so that was helpful... A bowl of dumplings and a small dish of pineapple slices...

Please forgive me I know this is a lot of writing about a very limited subject. I'm trying to get my fingers unlocked and my brain able to function. I don't know what has been wrong that I can't write the last few days. I went to the counselor Monday morning... I really like my counselor... but I hate going sometimes... I mean what is there to be done??? I mean that she can do???

Cara's not coming back... Mother's Day is coming... I'm not going to see any of my kids... and probably none of my grandchildren...

I saw Cara's death certificate yesterday for the first time. It said she died of multisystem trauma... ok... I kind of knew that... nothing that marked her as a person not worth regretting her death... Now I do not think that Cara was ever someone who was not worthy of having her death mourned... but I know there are people who do... And actually its good for me to say this because I'm having a very strong Sam Kennison moment and I need this....

Reading back this is a very morbid letter. I don't want to erase it though as this is the first time I've been able to write in days and I hope someday to make my living by writing. I even hope maybe to do some good by writing.

Ben came up yesterday without the kids... We got the title of the van put in my name. We had bought it from Cara but never got the title transferred. We made the last payment in April 2006... but that was the month mom died. With everything that has been going on for the last year and a half there are a lot of things I haven't gotten done.

I am hoping that Ben will bring the kids up this weekend.. but I've hoped lots of weekends and it hasn't happened... The kids haven't been here since Cara died. I saw them December 23, 2006 when I drove to Houma to bring their Christmas gifts... I didn't get to see Logan at that time as he was at Jeremy's.

Michael and Mandy's baby was born Friday, May 4, 2007. Her name is Maraya. She
weighed in at 7lbs 12 1/2ozs at 6:53am... She's beautiful, and seems to be a very contented baby. So far no colic, sleeps comfortably and only frowns slightly at the light or loud noises... She likes being held. Her skin is light tan, her eyes long and I wonder if she will look somewhat like Tyra Banks... I hope she doesn't color her hair like Tyra's as I don't like Tyra's hair... makes her look old from a distance... and she's too pretty to be looking so old... Like old is ugly... *Smile* Perhaps not... sometimes its comforting.. the gentleness of a life spent caring for others showing in the face... and often a spark of humor in the crows feet around the eyes...

I guess I better hit the send button and go do a bit of cleaning.

I will be back later to answer msgs and catch up on journals. Thank you all for being here. Forgive me for hiding... under the piano... Janine... yes I could use a hug... *Smile*