Hi,

I have been dx as being bipolar... I don't necessarily think its correct... I think I am actually depressed... that I have low self esteem... to be blunt... much as I love my dad and forgive him... I think he beat the self confidence right out of me... One of my earliest memories is of daddy standing over me and my brother David.... We'd just moved into the house and the room we were in was going to be a bedroom... there was a mattress and box springs leaning against an opposite wall... David and I had been horsing around... and Daddy I guess aggravated by the noise... decided if we were going to "fight" we were going to fight for real... but we hadn't been fighting... the level of anger and violence he was demanding was something neither one of us could give... so we cowered there crouched down as low as we could get to the floor against the wall and he swung the belt at us over and over... I couldn't have been over 5 at that time as my parents divorced when I was 5 and that happened before their divorce... how much before I simple don't remember... but I remember the belt... the pain and the fear all too well...

That wasn't the only time he did that... again... I'm horsing around with my stepbrother Larry this time... we were taking turns locking each other out of the house... and Daddy decided we were "fighting..." so let's make it a real fight... This time we're in the kitchen... There's the stove on the right... The oven door was open... I managed to flip Larry over the door and I'm on top... and Daddy is telling me to hit him in the face... I couldn't do it... so daddy kept swinging the belt... It rapped around my arms... across my back and buttocks over and over and several times he caught me on the legs... It was April... and too hot for long sleeves... but I had to wear long sleeves for several weeks to cover the bruises... luckily none of the bruises on the legs were below the knee as we couldn't wear pants to school back then... but my dresses covered the marks... Yes I wonder... Was that deliberate... was he actually so much in control that he knew where to hit and not to hit...

Beatings weren't isolate incidents... they were a part of our lives for several years... At that time we lived in ElReno and I guess it being a bigger town... daddy wasn't too worried about what the cops would do... We had a neighbor named Melissa... A couple of days after the beating because of me and Larry horsing around... my stepsister told Melissa about the beating... and she asked to see my back... She seemed dismayed... but nothing came of it... People didn't interfere much... One of my stepsisters actually went to the police station and told them what was going on... They called daddy to come get her and told him to take her home and give her a good whipping so she wouldn't be running away and trying to cause trouble by all her lies... I didn't name which one on purpose... my stepsisters prefer to forget what daddy did and pretend it didn't happen... or that it wasn't that bad... Me... I can't forget... although I do forgive...

Boo Hoo.... Lots of people have sad stories... that's part of mine... Am I angry... yes I'm angry... I hate my life... I hate that I know that I passed on to my children all my pain and fears and insecurities... and that my daughter is dead because of it...

Its not ok... its never going to be ok... but I'm still trying...

I'm going to be copying this to my journal...I shouldn't... but I've never written all this down... and I want to have it out in the open... It wasn't what I wanted... I lived with and continue to live with what is... and sometimes... what is... stinks!

so I am going to hit save before I change my mind...