I'm at it again... *Smile* I just don't see writing the same thing several times if you can copy and paste... I've written on this topic before... much the same words as before... but today I felt like I had to share this experience in the hopes it would help someone... and so I decided to reprint my comment here in the hopes that someone who read it might be helped. This is not where I am today... it is where I've been and it is a place I could return to if I didn't fight with all my might... the slope leading to this place is very steep and the track is greased... those of you who've followed this path know exactly what I'm talking about... this is a path we want to shun with everything in our being... that long term plan... that escape... its forever... and you leave so much pain and desolation for those loved ones you leave behind... People who are living with the death of a loved one to suicide can tell you about that...
Sometimes it seems like we dance around the flame... closer and closer... we feel the knives at our throat, in our heart, at our wrists... sometimes its just long painful cuts to imitate the way we feel... pain and blood raining down in rivulets... we feel the rope around our throat... every fiber scratching... even stabbing into our throat... the choking gasping for air... the gun at our head... the sound of the bullet... the acid smell of the gun powder... the few seconds pain... the blood, bits of skull and brain... and then nothing... that's how we imagine it... and when we're way down in the darkness... everything around us is a black black void... we welcome these thoughts... we welcome the idea that somehow we can escape the pain of our lives... but then life intervenes... somehow we come out of that dark place... we decide to commit to living... if not for our own sakes then for the sake of those we love... so for me... how did I come out... how do I work on not going back in... First of all I came out through education about my disease, counseling... lots of counseling... One of the most important things I learned... was that I was feeding the beast... I would be sad... instead of thinking how I could get myself to a place where I could rest for awhile I would start thinking of escape plans... but I didn't want to destroy my loved ones... so I twisted like a worm on a hook... until I finally realized that I could help myself... Its still hard... its always going to be hard... but I'm still working on it... I'm not scared to write these things thinking I will cause you to commit suicide... you are already thinking of suicide... I'm writing them to tell you that you are not alone... and that there is hope... Elissa
Sometimes it seems like we dance around the flame... closer and closer... we feel the knives at our throat, in our heart, at our wrists... sometimes its just long painful cuts to imitate the way we feel... pain and blood raining down in rivulets... we feel the rope around our throat... every fiber scratching... even stabbing into our throat... the choking gasping for air... the gun at our head... the sound of the bullet... the acid smell of the gun powder... the few seconds pain... the blood, bits of skull and brain... and then nothing... that's how we imagine it... and when we're way down in the darkness... everything around us is a black black void... we welcome these thoughts... we welcome the idea that somehow we can escape the pain of our lives... but then life intervenes... somehow we come out of that dark place... we decide to commit to living... if not for our own sakes then for the sake of those we love... so for me... how did I come out... how do I work on not going back in... First of all I came out through education about my disease, counseling... lots of counseling... One of the most important things I learned... was that I was feeding the beast... I would be sad... instead of thinking how I could get myself to a place where I could rest for awhile I would start thinking of escape plans... but I didn't want to destroy my loved ones... so I twisted like a worm on a hook... until I finally realized that I could help myself... Its still hard... its always going to be hard... but I'm still working on it... I'm not scared to write these things thinking I will cause you to commit suicide... you are already thinking of suicide... I'm writing them to tell you that you are not alone... and that there is hope... Elissa
Replies
wow...wow, that\'s all I can say, pretty powerful writing/thoughts, and you are right...there is always hope. I went down that dark trail when I was 17...wow, the flash backs, it is a scary place to be...our minds can go to some really dark places...but I am here, living, breathing proof that there is hope, and you can come back from the darkside...one week in the hospital, and a years worth of counseling...I made it and lived to tell about it. I hope this helps too. Kat ~ the real key to coming out of this, is to TALK to someone, get help before you completly lose your grip...trust me, on those cloudy days when it seems as though the sun will never shine again...it DOES, brighter than EVER!
I\'ve spent the last few days, also sick with worry that my little AngelKisses has done just what you described. You know I had a very close friend commit suicide when I was 19 right? I finally heard from her at dawn this morning and thank God she is safe. She may not be well, but at least she is safe.............
As for me, venting is always a huge help............ and my goodness, it seems I write sentences that go on forever without a breath as well as speaking that way (when I\'m excited good or bad).........
Your suggestion about sucking up \"just enough\" is a REALLY insightful one. And I think it\'s a suggestion I can actually apply. WHYHER64 has worked in small town govt. and reminded me that it all really boils down to a popularity contest (and school districts are really just microcosms of govt) which was something I have known but forgotten.
I\'ll be ok. Having Kailey overnight was wonderful, even if I was mad at Christopher for being gone, and we were curled up watching the Disney Channel (she\'s 3 and a half) on the sofa like a couple of old stuffed bears............ so life is looking a whole lot better now than it did at 2am when I was exhausted and losing to the flu.........
I\'m a survivor and I have this wonderful place and all of you, so I\'m not alone.
And it will be ok......... THANK YOU ELISSA!!!!!!!