I'm better today... I'm glad for it but I don't know if I trust it... Last night was rough rough rough... but I made it... can't say I slept too much... walked the floor, panicked about I don't know what, my heart beating so fast I wondered it didn't burst... finally cried myself to sleep around 4am... back up at 8:30am... still nervous and shaky but I'm trying to put it to good use... going to fight the inclination to go back to bed later hoping it will help me sleep tonight... I don't know though... unfortunately I've gone through this before and it lasted months... I have xanax but I'm afraid of dependency so I rarely take it... perhaps tonight... I'm not feeding the beast that urges me to commit suicide... I've got that beast quieted... but I am fighting the fear beast... not fear of something happening to me but fear of failure... its haunted me for years... guess I need to know just how I feed that beast and how to combat it... I'm sorry if this sounds depressing... actually I feel somewhat hopeful because I'm addressimg issues...
So if you're going through some of the same things or other things I still think we might be good for each other... At least we want to... that's a step in the right direction... Hugs Elissa
So if you're going through some of the same things or other things I still think we might be good for each other... At least we want to... that's a step in the right direction... Hugs Elissa
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(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) Love, Kat
I have fought the beast of fear for so long it feels like we\'re locked in an embrace. I\'m not sure what will happen to me if I ever turn around and my fear isn\'t there....... will I just dissapear too?
I\'ve had issues with sleeplessness my whole life (and the rampant anxiety that seems to go hand-in-hand with just being me) and my Dr and I discussed Xanax, but he wanted to keep me away from it for the same reasons. He gave me some Ambien to try and it\'s made a HUGE difference in the way I function. Sleeping (and KNOWING that I\'ll be able to) seems to substantially reduce the whole heart-racing \"what the hell is going on????!!!!\" feeling and gives me some help with my coping mechanisms. I\'m also fairly certain that if you have a health or pharmacy plan that covers Xanax, it will cover Ambien as well.
And NOTHING is as depressing as being \"stuck in a ditch\" because you can\'t or won\'t check the mirrors to see how to get out!
I checked off some of the \"stuff\" on my list (dust, vac, sweep etc...) and then felt AWFUL because it\'s just more of Molly\'s history in this house that I\'ve just \"swept away\". I KNOW that she doesn\'t live in my \"dust-bunnies\" (*smile*) but it still feels like I\'ve betrayed her memory.............
........one step forward, two steps back............
I\'m the same way. I have medication to help me with anxiety and panic but I HATE to take it because I\'m afraid of becoming too dependent.
You\'re stronger than you give yourself credit for. It\'s inspiring to me. Much love to you!!