I decided to copy and paste this from the discussions topic to my journal.
As Long As I'm Living
I'm grateful for the chance to share with you all how much I loved/love my daughter. I remember the first time I felt her move. I was around 3 months pregnant when I felt her move just under my heart a single gentle movement like a butterfly fluttering across the top of my stomach. I'm so glad that I had the privilege of carrying, loving, nurturing my children; they a part of me and me a part of them.
Like any family we've had and will continue to have our ups and downs. One thing that has never changed is that I have always loved my children. As the book by Robert Munch says, I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. I attended a seminar when Cara and John were about 13 and 14 years old where the lady doing the seminar read that little book to us. As she read, the words were really getting to me. I was kind of looking down to hide the shine of the tears I was struggling to hold back. I looked up for a moment and I noticed the lady was fannng herself in an effor to control her own emotions and then I didn't feel so foolish and self conscious.
As I sat there I thought about how long it had been since I had told my children how much I loved them. I knew I had to get that book and give it to them no matter how much it might irritate them. So for Christmas they got that book as a joint gift. The kids "got it" and it was a moment I'll always tresure. The message is as true today as it was then. What I'm trying to say is probably as clear as a glass bell. Show the people you love, that you love them. We all express love in a myriad of different ways. Words, touch, a special favor, sometimes even in anger because we're scared for our loved ones, but its all loving and it is good.
I am sad today as you all are. In spite of how much we are hurting I sincerely believe that Cara has indeed gone to heaven, and that she is with Jesus sharing a joy like none other has ever known. So my baby you rest well. I love you for always. Mama
Today is November 3, 2006. Tomorrow i will bury my daughter. The words you have just read are the words I will struggle to speak tomorrow at her funeral. There were several things I was trying to do with what I wrote. I was trying to tell my daughter one more time how much I loved/love her. I was trying to comfort my family because there have been several times in these last difficult months that we have spoken in anger to Cara because of fear and pain. I was trying to encourage people to let go, be a little mushy. I don't think we ever really do wrong when we serve mush. Finally I was offering the thoughts that I have to keep reaching for to comfort myself, to help us all; that Cara is in a far better place. I do believe that, but I also believe she went too soon, and that although I can't change what has happened to us perhaps I can help someone else.
Obviously today isn't November 3, 2006. What you have just read is what I wrote to read at my daughter's funeral and the first paragraph of the book I am writing that I hope to share with others. I am hoping that I can help people who are suffering from mental illness and or are abusing substances that are putting them and their families at risk of suffering a tragedy such am my family and I are going through. I truly hope that my words will reach the ears, hearts, and minds of people who have or know people who have the power to change the sad state of services available to help people. I find it heart breakingly sad that my daughter could not get the help that both she and I begged for.
I know this is long. I do not apologize. If you made it all the way through I thank you. If you felt sad or cried I love you. Help me please. Help yourselves... I hate to admit it but my daughter drank and drove several times. This isn't just my problem or the families like ours with a lost soul... Its everyone's problem... I can't and you can't bring my child back... but perhaps we can save someone else's child... perhaps we can save your child...
As Long As I'm Living
I'm grateful for the chance to share with you all how much I loved/love my daughter. I remember the first time I felt her move. I was around 3 months pregnant when I felt her move just under my heart a single gentle movement like a butterfly fluttering across the top of my stomach. I'm so glad that I had the privilege of carrying, loving, nurturing my children; they a part of me and me a part of them.
Like any family we've had and will continue to have our ups and downs. One thing that has never changed is that I have always loved my children. As the book by Robert Munch says, I'll like you forever, I'll love you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be. I attended a seminar when Cara and John were about 13 and 14 years old where the lady doing the seminar read that little book to us. As she read, the words were really getting to me. I was kind of looking down to hide the shine of the tears I was struggling to hold back. I looked up for a moment and I noticed the lady was fannng herself in an effor to control her own emotions and then I didn't feel so foolish and self conscious.
As I sat there I thought about how long it had been since I had told my children how much I loved them. I knew I had to get that book and give it to them no matter how much it might irritate them. So for Christmas they got that book as a joint gift. The kids "got it" and it was a moment I'll always tresure. The message is as true today as it was then. What I'm trying to say is probably as clear as a glass bell. Show the people you love, that you love them. We all express love in a myriad of different ways. Words, touch, a special favor, sometimes even in anger because we're scared for our loved ones, but its all loving and it is good.
I am sad today as you all are. In spite of how much we are hurting I sincerely believe that Cara has indeed gone to heaven, and that she is with Jesus sharing a joy like none other has ever known. So my baby you rest well. I love you for always. Mama
Today is November 3, 2006. Tomorrow i will bury my daughter. The words you have just read are the words I will struggle to speak tomorrow at her funeral. There were several things I was trying to do with what I wrote. I was trying to tell my daughter one more time how much I loved/love her. I was trying to comfort my family because there have been several times in these last difficult months that we have spoken in anger to Cara because of fear and pain. I was trying to encourage people to let go, be a little mushy. I don't think we ever really do wrong when we serve mush. Finally I was offering the thoughts that I have to keep reaching for to comfort myself, to help us all; that Cara is in a far better place. I do believe that, but I also believe she went too soon, and that although I can't change what has happened to us perhaps I can help someone else.
Obviously today isn't November 3, 2006. What you have just read is what I wrote to read at my daughter's funeral and the first paragraph of the book I am writing that I hope to share with others. I am hoping that I can help people who are suffering from mental illness and or are abusing substances that are putting them and their families at risk of suffering a tragedy such am my family and I are going through. I truly hope that my words will reach the ears, hearts, and minds of people who have or know people who have the power to change the sad state of services available to help people. I find it heart breakingly sad that my daughter could not get the help that both she and I begged for.
I know this is long. I do not apologize. If you made it all the way through I thank you. If you felt sad or cried I love you. Help me please. Help yourselves... I hate to admit it but my daughter drank and drove several times. This isn't just my problem or the families like ours with a lost soul... Its everyone's problem... I can't and you can't bring my child back... but perhaps we can save someone else's child... perhaps we can save your child...
Replies
That was beautiful Elissa. You daughter, Cara has never been far, she has been with you sence the day she was concived and will remain with you until you meet again in person.
I send you my love and support! Although we have only spoken once on the phone, you feel like a sister to me, a best friend! I believe Cara and Travis has had something to do with us getting together.
I called you today 12/10/06 and your husband said you were sleeping. You rest Good Friend and take care of your toe. You share a big part of my heart. With love, Cat
i cant even put into words how that made me feel...this part-So my baby you rest well. I love you for always. Mama.. that really got the tears going. i wish i could hug the pain out of you. but i cant, so instead i will be here for you anytime you need someone.
I thank you for reading my journal... I write a lot more here than anywhere else... A lot of times I copy and paste here things I have written to someone... in this case to you... Blame it on my being so cheap hon... *Smile* You know I\'m so grateful to God for the words I wrote... they were from my heart but my heart is so full of things I wanted to share and I was having a hard time figuring out what to share... I started off trying to write about her whole life... but I knew I had to scale it back and so I sat down at the computer and figured I could write whatever came to mind and then edit... but when I started writing it just flowed out... I didn\'t edit or change one word... As always God gave me what I needed most at that moment...
I made it through all the rest but that was a rough moment for me too... I mean and meant it though... If not for my son\'s comforting touch and presence beside me I don\'t think I\'d have made it... My son has been calling me a lot... I know he\'s worried about me... and I\'m worried about him... Like I told him last night... she was the first born so she was there when he came home and has been a part of every moment of his life... and now she\'s not here on earth so we have to learn to love her in a new way... no hugs, no loving words... not even any arguments... I am glad for my son though... the Tuesday before she died he called to see if I knew where she was... I\'d gone to pick her up in New Orleans the day before... I should have called him but I had not gotten around to it... Anyway we talked and I knew he was glad she was with me although we both still wondered what we were going to do in the long run... how long before something would pull her away from the safety (presumed safety) of my home... Finally I asked him if he wanted to talk to her... he said yeah he\'d talk to her... I asked him if he could refrain from fussing and just tell her he loved her... and he said yes... and that\'s what he did - what they did... he told her he was glad she was with me and that he loved her and she told him she loved him... She was so happy when she got off the phone... I\'m really glad for both my children that their last words to each other were words of love.