n/a

Think ive finally lost it. Completely lost it. Cant feel but cant stop feeling. Cant think but cant stop thinking. Cant cry but cant stop crying. Cant go on but cant lay down and die either. I just want to get so high and kill so many brain cells that all those memories of everyone whose ever hurt me will just dissapear. Better to be a happy vegetable than a sad human. I CANT TAKE THIS PAIN. It eats at me like a disease all these memories just wont go the fuck away and i know i shud just stop and deal with them but it hurts TOO DAMN MUCH.  Theres just so much pain and it cuts like a rusty blade into my soul and it wont leave me alone for one fucking minuet . It claws at my brain and my heart and my stomach never allowing me to be in the here in now with everyone else. My smile is so fake i want to puke because acting like im fine is the biggest lie of all. But FUCK can i ever be okay? Its like a constant misery i can never see the good i can never just be fine unless im high. Im too deep in addiction to just quit myself and i have no support whatsoever. I dont have the time or money for rehab. going to try easing off the pills slowly but surely. I just KNOW ill go into an instant depression tho. ugghh, Im so scared . so alone, so broken, such a basket case. I dont know .