My Story
I've battled depression and social anxiety as far back as I can remember. When I was in preschool, I remember so badly just wanting to make friends, but not being sure how to relate. I preferred talking to adults than children my own age, and I spent most of my free time reading, writing, or playing the piano. I would walk alone during recess and wonder why I was so different from all the other kids. My family always thought I was just very shy, and they would urge me to talk more or just go up to someone and ask them to play. Their misunderstandings of how difficult that was for me just made it more frustrating.
Attending school regularly made me adapt a little and I did make friends throughout elementary and middle school. I wasn't good at meeting new people so most of my friends were people I had known since first grade. I was still terrified to speak up in class, get in trouble, or ask for help. I remember holding trash in my hand until the end of class so I didn't have to get up in front of everyone.
High school was a little better. I joined show choir and I felt as if for the first time, I really belonged. I had a strong group of friends and although I was still an outsider compared to the rest, I was happy. Senior year I met my best friend, an insanely outgoing girl with no shame and a loud mouth. She made me want to be better. I was in awe of her, and a little jealous too. She seemed to be able to do everything I always couldn't, with ease. She helped me out of my shell and my senior year with her was better than any before.
We went to the same college and for some reason, being in a new place really sat well with me. I began to talk to everyone freely, meet tons of new people, and go out on my own. I even had a job, a first for me. I was happier than ever, and I felt like I was finally being the real me. This is when I met my boyfriend. However, the facade could only last so long. After a few months of this bliss, something snapped into place and suddenly I was back at the start. My boyfriend noticed I began to withdraw from the group in social settings, and I would cry almost nightly, often for no reason. I felt as if I had done something wrong to deserve this. How could I have been so happy for so long and then fall back into my old ways? It was even worse this time, knowing what it felt like to be happy made me sad that I was missing out.
Since then, my boyfriend has convinced me to go to the doctor. I'm on Citalopram, and although it helped for a while, it doesn't seem to be doing much anymore. I'm thinking about getting a therapist, but its kinda terrifying. Some days are better than others. I have weeks when everything feels wrong all the time and I always feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. But I can wake up the next day and feel like going out to see friends and partying that night. Its unpredictable, and I feel like a burden to my boyfriend, who has to basically just go along with however I'm feeling that particular day. I want to get better for him. And for me. Maybe that starts here.
Attending school regularly made me adapt a little and I did make friends throughout elementary and middle school. I wasn't good at meeting new people so most of my friends were people I had known since first grade. I was still terrified to speak up in class, get in trouble, or ask for help. I remember holding trash in my hand until the end of class so I didn't have to get up in front of everyone.
High school was a little better. I joined show choir and I felt as if for the first time, I really belonged. I had a strong group of friends and although I was still an outsider compared to the rest, I was happy. Senior year I met my best friend, an insanely outgoing girl with no shame and a loud mouth. She made me want to be better. I was in awe of her, and a little jealous too. She seemed to be able to do everything I always couldn't, with ease. She helped me out of my shell and my senior year with her was better than any before.
We went to the same college and for some reason, being in a new place really sat well with me. I began to talk to everyone freely, meet tons of new people, and go out on my own. I even had a job, a first for me. I was happier than ever, and I felt like I was finally being the real me. This is when I met my boyfriend. However, the facade could only last so long. After a few months of this bliss, something snapped into place and suddenly I was back at the start. My boyfriend noticed I began to withdraw from the group in social settings, and I would cry almost nightly, often for no reason. I felt as if I had done something wrong to deserve this. How could I have been so happy for so long and then fall back into my old ways? It was even worse this time, knowing what it felt like to be happy made me sad that I was missing out.
Since then, my boyfriend has convinced me to go to the doctor. I'm on Citalopram, and although it helped for a while, it doesn't seem to be doing much anymore. I'm thinking about getting a therapist, but its kinda terrifying. Some days are better than others. I have weeks when everything feels wrong all the time and I always feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. But I can wake up the next day and feel like going out to see friends and partying that night. Its unpredictable, and I feel like a burden to my boyfriend, who has to basically just go along with however I'm feeling that particular day. I want to get better for him. And for me. Maybe that starts here.
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