Today

I don't know I feel hurt and I don't know why. I feel empty inside and I don't know why. That may be a lie, I feel a weight on me as well, like I am being crushed. I feel like I should cry but I don't know why. I don't understand my emotions and feelings. After all I continually lie about them to others in my real life. I try to be myself and share my true thoughts where no one can see me. Why is it that when I do fall in love with someone, it might be for the wrong reasons, it might be too late, it might only last for a little while before I am hurt by them or that I might hurt them. I do not know, I feel like giving up on emotion because it always seems to end to unhappy moments and awkwardness. I should be working on my senior project, but I have no motivation to do it. What is the point when I am scared of the future. I am scared of failing. I am scared of being alone. I know I am not going to succeed outside of school. I will most likely have nowhere to live. I probably won't be able to get a job. I probably wont get into a college. I am not ready to be on my own, yet I am being kicked out of my home when I graduate. There is always a talk of death in my life. My adoptive parents keep talking about what to do when they die. Who to go to, who to tell. I am always to blame for when things go wrong, or when emotions or feelings are hurt. Especially between my grandparents who adopted me. All of my grandmother's negative feelings about my grandfather is lashed out at me. I am her outlet. I am always made fun of by people for being socially awkward and shy. I don't like myself. After all a lot of people call me ugly, stupid, awkward, a creep, worthless, retarded, overly skinny, gay and so many other things. A lot of the things that I do I am told that they are wrong, that I cant do anything right. I try to make the people that I meet in my life happy. Then I feel like I get used and abandoned after it is all done. I just don't know. Why the hell was I put into this situation? Why was I born? Why do I have to deal with all of this? Why do I lie about my emotions? Why do I push people away? Why do I always get hurt? Why do I keep on trying? Why don't I give up? Why can't I ever be loved by people who won't abandon me in the end? Why do I get used? Why just why? I want to give up. I want to curl up. I want to cry. Just let me give up. Just Let me please. I am tired of trying. I feel so hurt and lost. I feel so useless.