IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 9 MONTHS SINCE LOGAN'S DEATH, AND I AM STILL A WRECK. MY BROTHER AND HIS NEW WIFE ARE NOW PREGNANT. MY HEART CANNOT TAKE IT.
 
EVERYONE IS TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD RECONSIDER NOT GOING TO MY OWN BROTHERS BABY SHOWER, THEIRS GOING TO BE QUESTIONS, THEIRS GOING TO BE BABIES THERE, THERE'S SO  MUCH THAT GOING TO TRIGGER YOUR OWN GRIEF. I AM AWARE OF ALL OF THESE THINGS. THE PAST ALMOST 9 MONTHS HAVE BEEN JUST LIKE THIS. EVERYTHING IS A TRIGGER. COMMERCIALS, THE KID CRYING NEXT DOOR, SEEING JOSIAH (MY NEPHEW'S) BEAUTIFUL FACE, LOGAN'S URN IN MY LIVING ROOM. ITS A CONSTANT REMINDER OF WHAT A FAILURE I AM.  OF EVERYTHING THAT I EVER WANTED TAKEN AWAY. I HOPE THAT MY FAMILY DOES NOT THINK THAT I WILL MAKE THIS SHOWER ABOUT ME?  I HAVE NO INTENTION ON BEING THERE IF I AM OVERWHELMED. I AM AFRAID FOR MYSELF. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO PUSH FORWARD. HOW WOULD I LOOK ID I COULD NOT SUPPORT MY BROTHER? EVEN MORE SO WHAT WOULD THAT MAKE ME? I HAVE BEEN IN SO MUCH TURMOIL THE PAST FEW WEEKS KNOWING THESE EVENTS WERE COMING. I'VE SPENT THAT MAJOR PART OF THEM UNDER THE INFLUENCE AND TRYING TO BE AS NUMB AS I CAN BE. WHO THE FUCK CAN JUDGE ME? ALL I EVER WANTED WAS MY BABY, AND NOW THAT HES GONE I HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD THAT LETS WOMEN THAT DON'T DESERVE THE BLESSING OR GET PREGNANT CAUSE THEY CAN, WHILST I CRADLE MY BABY BOY IN HIS URN WHEN I FEEL THIS LIFE IS UNBEARABLE. SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE SO UNFAIR.