I wish there was just one day of happiness thats all I ask."( But there is never that rainbow, its always damp, dreary, and rainy above my head, the days are so long, I don't feel good since being off this one medication, but if I take it my legs are like jumping beans, so I can't take it. Again Baby A missed his bus, she tells me hurry up take us to work, then you can take him to school, "YEH RIGHT WHEN PIGS FLY"! That means walking with the 2 boys, there is no parking up by the school, that means taking the 2 boys out of their car seat with my very bad back, then coming back to the apartment, draging the little one in, getting then the big one off the bus, draging the 2 boys back out to go pick up the 2 ass'es from work. "I"M SO ANGRY"! I have jack ass stamped on me for real. I can't get to doctors, I can't do any thing for me, I can never-ever buy me some thing special, they both work, go out every week-end, and leave the boys here, they don't ask, they don't ever pay me, instead they take-take-take-take-take. I don't know which is worse, being at my stepsons or here????????? Its horrible waking up every dam day to a sink full of dishes, a filthy stove, I sit on a chair and get done what I can, and the rest sits, they don't care. At least if they would get a spot with a room with a door on, my own bedroom, I would stay in the bedroom, lock the door when they come home, let them watch the boys. AMEN they watched the boys last night, a mirical!

I can't keep up with what I want to do, I have no time to write any letters, the marriage, what marriage, not when you don't feel good, don't have the money to get to see him, the feelings are I care about him, but there is not much left. I guess his lies all caught up with me from when we first met. I'll never forget how he was going to leave me if he made his first board in 1995, go to CT to his wife at that time, after we were togather for 9 months. I forgave him, but now that lie is wearing on me for some reason, and there were more lies in the first 2 and a half years, and they just caught up I think. Also with this recent hit of this other man, being the same county I know he does not have much of a chance, plus that very high publisized case on Martin Tankleff, free after 17 years has a heck of a lot to do with any cases out of Suffolk County NY. Guess I vented enough for one day so I'm ending for now.

                                                                                               Just Me!