My story
I've resisted adding my story here, just reading other's experiences and trying to learn something. Probably need to get over that since I'm losing my best and only really close friend. Who am I going to talk to now? Time to learn to share and let others in, I guess. Funny thing is, it's my fault that my marriage is ending. I have asked my husband to move out. Asked him to just let us go our separate ways and stop making each other unhappy. There's no big issue to blame it on. There's no cheating, as far as I know, and I think I'm right about that. We have been married just over 20 years, together about 23. Our youngest is going to college next summer, so we will be empty-nesters. We are both early 40s and have had a mostly good life together. There's always been communication breakdowns and periods of stress and tension and we haven't handled them, more like just let it go and move on.
My husband started long-distance running as a hobby about a year and a half ago. It has become an obsession, redefining who he is, changing the way he looks and taking over his whole life. He either wants to be running or talking to other runners about running. He always got obsessive with his hobbies, has a bit of a compulsive personality. Usually it gets intense, then he realizes he has let it take over his life, and he re-balances. This time is different. There is no chance for a re-balance, because he doesn't see a problem with it. He has decided that this is just who he is now.
I can accept that people change, and that he probably needed something to focus on and feel accomplished in, because our kids are independent and don't need much parenting anymore and because his work is just a job, not a career that he can be proud of. I get it, I just don't want to live with it.
I have been struggling for about 8 months with the decision to separate. I still go back and forth in my mind about what would be the right decision. I could live the rest of my life with him, he is caring, kind, a good father and has a great sense of humor. But, because of his intense focus on this activity, I no longer like who I have become. I am becoming angry, bitter, resentful and cold to him. I don't do this on purpose and I do deliberately try to change my reactions, but that is what this is, just the reaction I have whenever his running commitments ruin our plans or take up whole weekends. I also can't seem to listen to him talk about pacing, personal best, marathon blah blah without rolling my eyes and walking away. It's completely automatic, and I have tried to change my reactions, with only temporary success.
So, I told him all that was bothering me a few months ago. We agreed to talk more, try to figure out if we can work it out, and maybe get counseling. I have been reading self-help books, getting therapy and also got some antidepressant medication to help. I feel better than ever, more hopeful about life, interested in working on myself, all good things -- but I am still very unhappy in the marriage and don't want to continue with him. Meanwhile, he has done nothing to work on the relationship, he is training for another marathon and can't be bothered.
About 10 days ago, I told him I didn't think we had anything in common anymore and that we would both be happier living separate lives. He was upset, but said he wanted me to be happy and agreed. The problem now is that he wants to stay in the house until our daughter graduates in May so that he can spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves for college.
I think it would be so much easier if we could be separate and have minimal contact. I still care very much about him and miss the man I married, miss our good parts. It's a reminder every time he says something that reminds me of who he was. I feel like my heart is going to literally break with all the pain I feel when we spend time together, knowing that we are ending this 6-8 months. This is no life. It really sucks for both of us.
My husband started long-distance running as a hobby about a year and a half ago. It has become an obsession, redefining who he is, changing the way he looks and taking over his whole life. He either wants to be running or talking to other runners about running. He always got obsessive with his hobbies, has a bit of a compulsive personality. Usually it gets intense, then he realizes he has let it take over his life, and he re-balances. This time is different. There is no chance for a re-balance, because he doesn't see a problem with it. He has decided that this is just who he is now.
I can accept that people change, and that he probably needed something to focus on and feel accomplished in, because our kids are independent and don't need much parenting anymore and because his work is just a job, not a career that he can be proud of. I get it, I just don't want to live with it.
I have been struggling for about 8 months with the decision to separate. I still go back and forth in my mind about what would be the right decision. I could live the rest of my life with him, he is caring, kind, a good father and has a great sense of humor. But, because of his intense focus on this activity, I no longer like who I have become. I am becoming angry, bitter, resentful and cold to him. I don't do this on purpose and I do deliberately try to change my reactions, but that is what this is, just the reaction I have whenever his running commitments ruin our plans or take up whole weekends. I also can't seem to listen to him talk about pacing, personal best, marathon blah blah without rolling my eyes and walking away. It's completely automatic, and I have tried to change my reactions, with only temporary success.
So, I told him all that was bothering me a few months ago. We agreed to talk more, try to figure out if we can work it out, and maybe get counseling. I have been reading self-help books, getting therapy and also got some antidepressant medication to help. I feel better than ever, more hopeful about life, interested in working on myself, all good things -- but I am still very unhappy in the marriage and don't want to continue with him. Meanwhile, he has done nothing to work on the relationship, he is training for another marathon and can't be bothered.
About 10 days ago, I told him I didn't think we had anything in common anymore and that we would both be happier living separate lives. He was upset, but said he wanted me to be happy and agreed. The problem now is that he wants to stay in the house until our daughter graduates in May so that he can spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves for college.
I think it would be so much easier if we could be separate and have minimal contact. I still care very much about him and miss the man I married, miss our good parts. It's a reminder every time he says something that reminds me of who he was. I feel like my heart is going to literally break with all the pain I feel when we spend time together, knowing that we are ending this 6-8 months. This is no life. It really sucks for both of us.
Replies