Again . . .
I would give anything to be normal.
I don't want a million dollars, or fame or even a man; I just want to be normal. I want my life back, the one I started out with, the one where I could eat normal food and not get sick.
Failing that I want doctors that give a fuck and have a clue. Yeah, that's about as likely to happen as suddenly becoming normal.
I'm allergic to citrus now.
Let see, lets start with all the never agains: Lemonade, citrus marinades, oranges, lemons, limes, grapefruit, the stupid GF bread that stupid EnerG puts stupid orange pulp fiber in WTF?, Vitamin C that uses citrus which is apparently 90% of them, marmelade. That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. I'm sure more will rear their ugly head in time.
In theory, in an abstract kind of way I don't mind have Celiac Disease or food allergies. What sends me off the deep end is when a new allergy comes along. It's like reseting the counter, and everything you did before now doesn't count anymore, and you get to go through your pantry and frig and throw a ton more of food out that you can't eat anymore. And then you need to figure out how to eat again because all those things you used to be able to eat you can't eat anymore. And your world becomes even smaller. And the hardest part is that no one understands. No one gets it. No one cares. I'm all alone in this.
And then the depression hits. It always hits when I new allergy pops up. I should be used to it I suppose. It's a combination of my body flushing itself out I suspect. Usually by the time I realize I'm absolutely allergic to something its because I've been hit repeatedly by histamine attacks and I'm feeling like crap. It takes days and days for my body to bounce back from the histamines once I figure out what's caused the allergies. The histamines, plunge my blood pressure and I wind up on the couch all day, usually sick to my stomach. But it's depressing to have to remake my life again. That's the big part, that's most of the cause of the depression.
And no I do not want to hear how lucky I am. Fuck that. I am not lucky. I have a chronic condition called leaky gut that nothing seems to effect. I am not lucky to know it's name, or to suffer from it.
No, I do not want to hear about starving third world children either.
No, I do not want to be told that the sun will come out tomorrow.
No, I do not want to hear about what you sisters boyfriends cousin did and how it changed his life.
No, I do not want to buy your new super duper supplement guaranteed to fix everything that is wrong with everyone. The odds are good it contains soy/gluten/citrus/sunflower anyway.
No, I do not want to be told to go see a doctor. See above, doctors are useless and have no answers. Trust me, I've seen enough of them to know they're all useless.
And no, do not tell me it's not that bad. You don't know fuck about my life so don't pretend to have a clue how bad it is in my world right now.
In short, if you can't sympathize shut the fuck up and walk on. You can't fix me. Doctors can't fix me. Accept me at my word and stop trying to fix me. You can't do it. The only thing left is to try and fix myself. When all other options don't work you try the only thing left. Don't ask me how I'm going to fix myself because I haven't worked out the details yet. It's a work in progress.
I don't want a million dollars, or fame or even a man; I just want to be normal. I want my life back, the one I started out with, the one where I could eat normal food and not get sick.
Failing that I want doctors that give a fuck and have a clue. Yeah, that's about as likely to happen as suddenly becoming normal.
I'm allergic to citrus now.
Let see, lets start with all the never agains: Lemonade, citrus marinades, oranges, lemons, limes, grapefruit, the stupid GF bread that stupid EnerG puts stupid orange pulp fiber in WTF?, Vitamin C that uses citrus which is apparently 90% of them, marmelade. That's all I can come up with off the top of my head. I'm sure more will rear their ugly head in time.
In theory, in an abstract kind of way I don't mind have Celiac Disease or food allergies. What sends me off the deep end is when a new allergy comes along. It's like reseting the counter, and everything you did before now doesn't count anymore, and you get to go through your pantry and frig and throw a ton more of food out that you can't eat anymore. And then you need to figure out how to eat again because all those things you used to be able to eat you can't eat anymore. And your world becomes even smaller. And the hardest part is that no one understands. No one gets it. No one cares. I'm all alone in this.
And then the depression hits. It always hits when I new allergy pops up. I should be used to it I suppose. It's a combination of my body flushing itself out I suspect. Usually by the time I realize I'm absolutely allergic to something its because I've been hit repeatedly by histamine attacks and I'm feeling like crap. It takes days and days for my body to bounce back from the histamines once I figure out what's caused the allergies. The histamines, plunge my blood pressure and I wind up on the couch all day, usually sick to my stomach. But it's depressing to have to remake my life again. That's the big part, that's most of the cause of the depression.
And no I do not want to hear how lucky I am. Fuck that. I am not lucky. I have a chronic condition called leaky gut that nothing seems to effect. I am not lucky to know it's name, or to suffer from it.
No, I do not want to hear about starving third world children either.
No, I do not want to be told that the sun will come out tomorrow.
No, I do not want to hear about what you sisters boyfriends cousin did and how it changed his life.
No, I do not want to buy your new super duper supplement guaranteed to fix everything that is wrong with everyone. The odds are good it contains soy/gluten/citrus/sunflower anyway.
No, I do not want to be told to go see a doctor. See above, doctors are useless and have no answers. Trust me, I've seen enough of them to know they're all useless.
And no, do not tell me it's not that bad. You don't know fuck about my life so don't pretend to have a clue how bad it is in my world right now.
In short, if you can't sympathize shut the fuck up and walk on. You can't fix me. Doctors can't fix me. Accept me at my word and stop trying to fix me. You can't do it. The only thing left is to try and fix myself. When all other options don't work you try the only thing left. Don't ask me how I'm going to fix myself because I haven't worked out the details yet. It's a work in progress.
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