having trouble understanding why i need to talk to her. she has treated me like a non-entity the last three years, with her affair with the old predator and her new relationship with the hillbilly.Why do i want and miss her? shrink feels its best i cut off discussions and e-mails with her. Sez she is not a credible source for validation. Know i need to get the divorce papers started, but having trouble getting motivated to do so. I guess its because i know it will cause more pain. had enough pain for a while.
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I\'m getting better slowly. With some phsych therapy and divorce recovery group, I am gradually feeling better about myself. I can look more objectively at my situation. I have it much better than she does. I have a job, my own place, two vehicles, and now health insurance. She has no job, has to be carted around by friends and family, no health insurance and a slew of health problems like panic attacks, ulcers, insomnia, migraines, toothaches, menopause, and is sleeping around (and who knows what diseases come with that!) So, overall, I am in a good place. It was one on one last night at divorce recovery. I learned something important. I have been frustrated for not being able to get angry enough to disconnect. I was told to let God have the anger because it is too great a burden for me to handle. I let God take it from me last night and got 8 hours of sleep. I feel so much better for it today. I learned that I can give forgiveness without having to call her to give it. Again, ask God to give me ability to forgive. If I called her to forgive, We eould just end up exchanging invalidations. She likes to tell me that I drove her to all of her actions. I am guilty of withdrawing from her because sexual tastes became too much for me to handle, but deciding to have sex with a guy who looks like a geriatric patient for money, and to join the swingers club were her ideas only, done behind my back and done in betrayal to out marriage. I am ok with my part in all of this. I think she has made some unhealthy decisions that she will need to untangle for years to come
being a little better about holding on to my anger. It is helping me to disconnect. I am having a few better days now due to that. Getting tp the point where if she asked me to come back, I am pretty sure I could tell her to go to Hell. It would be a head trip for that to happen, and perhaps is a fantasy (I would love to let her know how it feels to be the dumpee). I am still hurting some days when i think of all the lies and betrayals, and the fact that she told me she was leaving to \"think about us\", then e-mails me telling me sh joined the sex clubs, and shacks up during the week with the Hillbilly. And it pisses me off to hear her blame me for those actions. She said she didn\'t hear from me for 5 months, which is selective memory. She forgets that I sent her flowers for our anniversary (when she was in Philly visiting the internet predator). She forgets the many test messages we shared in that time, where she gave me no indication that anything was wrong between us. Just stringing me along. Used to text me jokes and stuff. Gave me the impression that we were getting along better. Then, just when it suits her, she drops the bomb about the other guy and the sex clubs. It was vindictive and intentionally hurtful. It helps me now to remember those things, to keep myself angry and learn to sppreciate that I don\'t have to put up with that bullshit anymore. Now when dhe calls, i send her a text sayinf I\'m out or have company. Not just waiting around for her calls. I will choose when or if I talk to her. It will be at my convenience from now on.
Got the courage and energy to start filling out the D papers today. It\'s not as daunting as I expected, but still emotionally draining as it it indicates the end is drawing near. I fought it as long as I could, but have no more energy to beat the dead horse any longer. I need to save my energy for recovery. I am feeling bittersweet, as expected. I never wanted it to end this way, and I know that she didn\'t either, really. But the acts that she comitted indicate that she was burning bridges as fast as she crossed them. She left no room for reconciliation. It is my responsibity to do the best I can under the circumstances. I need to work very hard to make sure I am doing what I do for MY betterment, not from spite or anger. I want to part amicably, not necessarily as friends, as that doesn\'t seem possible, but I want to leave the door open to forgiveness on both sides. We both will take years to get to forgiveness, if ever. I have come to the realization that she has indeed been stringing me along just to ensure that I won\'t hold up the divorce. She also wants me to continue to pay for her cell phone and internet service, as they are her only means to stay in contact with her internet friends (who validated her while she was comitting adultery), the internet predator who still calls her twice a day, and the man she is living with who keeps her in drugs and booze so he can get laid whenever he wants. As soon as the divorce is filed, the phone and internet service will disappear, perhaps without notice. Her \"good\" friends can pay for that from then on. It is time now for me to get on with my life, and to continue to persue healthy means to recovery. I am proud that I have not given in to the temptation to drink over this. I am still sober, for 17 years, and have not given her the power to make me lose tha sobriety that I have worked so hard to achieve and maintain. Full steam ahead, baby!!! Lots of thanks are in order for all of those who have helped me to get to this point, including my younger daughter, my daughter in Iraq, my friends and family back home, and the members of DS. I am not where I need to be yet,but I know I\'m gonna get there, and that is very important right now. One day at a time.
you will get where you need to be eventually;look at it as a new begining!!!!!!!!!!!
you will get where you need to be eventually;look at it as a new begining!!!!!!!!!!!