Letting Go

We had our IUI procedure a week and a half ago; so just a few more days before we know if it worked or not. Maybe it is the 5+ years of nothing working, but I am not very hopeful. That is it; I have lost my hope. This whole process of trying to get pregnant has robbed me of my hope. Normally I am a pretty positive person, but I cannot gather enough emotions to feel anything any more. Although my friends probably think I say that "it didn't work" or that "I have lost hope" for attention, really I say it because it is true and it hurts to keep inside. I don't like talking to anyone about our infertility struggles because I am so sick of the struggle. So tonight I am letting it go. If the IUI worked, great; if it didn't then so be it. The husband and I can start our life as always being just a couple. I don't know how so many have tried for so long and so many times, I just can't take the heartache anymore. I can't keep exposing my raw self only to feel the pain. I have had enough pain in my life with the loss of my mother, brother, and all grandparents before I was even in my thirties. I want to prevent feeling the pain that I keep causing myself by hoping every month for a miracle to happen. I want, no I need, to come to a point where I can finally allow myself to heal and move on and accept whatever my new life may be.