meh
well today is day 92 without my little man........... It just doesn't seem real. It's been awhile since I've written. It's been a while since I've done anything. Some days I don't have the energy to even move it seems. Then last week I came down with the crud............ so I really don't feel like doing anything. lets see what's gone on since the last time I was here.
oh yeah
My beautiful niece got married........... it was an outside wedding labor day weekend............. it was misty out......... kind of a dreary day, but she was so very beautiful.......... was happy and sad all at the same time. knowing I'll never see Brandon get married kinda hit home that day. We left by 8pm.
Bob's cousin got married last weekend up north............. I think the 'high' that day maybe hit 40. needless to say we were back at our hotel by 8pm that night too. Wedding wasn't until 5pm.............in a barn. I don't know about anyone else, but apparently that's the 'in thing' now? well it would have been ok if it was warm out I suppose............... but a barn??? Bob(my live in boyfriend of 4+ years) made a comment when we got there that there would be a 'ho down' ........... yes that made me giggle.
Do you ever feel guilty about laughing? sometimes I do.......... Like it's a horrible thing to be going on with my life......... makes me sad to feel that way, but I know I don't want to be depressed either. I'm lucky, I had my Brandon for a bit over 20 years......... some aren't that lucky......... is that selfish?
oh yeah, we got a kitty.............. anyone who knows me............ knows I've never been one for any kind of animal in the house.............but Bob talked me into it.............. he's a striped tabby..............we named him Stewart............. he was born at Bob's parents place to a feral cat. He was born the same day that Brandon died.
He's been an interesting addition to our family............ Brandon would adore him, and yes I kinda like him too.
I hope everyone is getting along ok. Been thinking of you all quite often these days........
I'm not ready to deal with the holidays coming up. Wish we could skip right over them.
Love to you all
Lisa (Brandon's mom)
I posted some new pics of my niece and Stewart and a couple others.
oh yeah
My beautiful niece got married........... it was an outside wedding labor day weekend............. it was misty out......... kind of a dreary day, but she was so very beautiful.......... was happy and sad all at the same time. knowing I'll never see Brandon get married kinda hit home that day. We left by 8pm.
Bob's cousin got married last weekend up north............. I think the 'high' that day maybe hit 40. needless to say we were back at our hotel by 8pm that night too. Wedding wasn't until 5pm.............in a barn. I don't know about anyone else, but apparently that's the 'in thing' now? well it would have been ok if it was warm out I suppose............... but a barn??? Bob(my live in boyfriend of 4+ years) made a comment when we got there that there would be a 'ho down' ........... yes that made me giggle.
Do you ever feel guilty about laughing? sometimes I do.......... Like it's a horrible thing to be going on with my life......... makes me sad to feel that way, but I know I don't want to be depressed either. I'm lucky, I had my Brandon for a bit over 20 years......... some aren't that lucky......... is that selfish?
oh yeah, we got a kitty.............. anyone who knows me............ knows I've never been one for any kind of animal in the house.............but Bob talked me into it.............. he's a striped tabby..............we named him Stewart............. he was born at Bob's parents place to a feral cat. He was born the same day that Brandon died.
He's been an interesting addition to our family............ Brandon would adore him, and yes I kinda like him too.
I hope everyone is getting along ok. Been thinking of you all quite often these days........
I'm not ready to deal with the holidays coming up. Wish we could skip right over them.
Love to you all
Lisa (Brandon's mom)
I posted some new pics of my niece and Stewart and a couple others.
Replies
Hi Lisa:
I can relate to the sadness at weddings and other special occasions. I am getting a little better with holidays. Last year I even put up a tree at Christmas. One year we went to Vancouver Island to watch winter storms on the ocean. It matched my mood dark and angry.
We really do not make plans for the holidays. Today is Canadian Thanksgiving day. Yesterday we went to our neighbours\' for turkey. Today we are going to the pub with other friends.
I love cats. Lisa did too. She had a female that had given birth to 4 kittens. 3 white and 1 black. When she died, Joe asked if I wanted to take a kitten home with me. We have hadYuki for almost 5 years and she gives us a reason to come home. She cuddles with one or the other of us and it is a bit of a connection with our Lisa.
One day at a time Lisa. And try not to feel guilty when you laugh. I think our kids want us to be happy.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Oh my goodness! The laughing part! It took me about two years to get past the feeling guilty for laughing. I am sure it is a normal part of our journey and some day, you will laugh again without feeling guilty, I promise.
Peace, Belinda
I still feel guilty having fun,,,, like I\'m not suppose too... some days the laughter comes and it\'s ok.... your day will come too.... wedding are so hard.. and then to have 2 ,,, wow....
enjoy your new little furry friend..... love ya!
Yes, I remember laughing and even smiling and \"catching\" myself doing it. It felt strange at first and has become easier with the passage of time. I find that laughing for me is such an outlet much as crying is and they often go hand in hand.
Many family happenings that you have been a part of and again, knowing that those tender moments will bring up so many feelings...
Love hearing that you have a new family addition and I just don\'t know where I\'d be without our two dogs. Enjoy your new furry friend. :)
Appreciate hearing where you are finding yourself on this path and knowing how much Brandon is deeply loved and sorely missed.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Hi Lisa, thanks for sharing what\'s in my heart and on your mind these days.
Allowing myself to enjoy anything, truly enjoy it, was SO hard. OH THE GUILT!! Then one day, when I was whining \"how dare I\" after finding myself laughing out loud.....Kala said loud and clear, \"How dare you not!\" Now that got my attention and put it in a new perspective for me. But still....it takes a while to work through the guilt and allow LIFE to happen again. Hang in there sweetie....you will make it!
It\'s challenging when we attend life celebrations such as weddings and births and birthdays. I think we\'ll always do so with a certain twinge of pain knowing our child didn\'t do this or that.... This too lessens in time though...thankfully.
\"Try\" not to over stress about the holidays....but I know how hard it is. Only do what YOU can and want to do. I\'m having REAL Thanksgiving and REAL Christmas this year for the first time since 2006!! I\'m VERY excited! It doesn\'t take everyone this long....that\'s just how long it\'s taken me. There are no time tables and no right or wrong way to walk our personal grief journeys.
I\'ve heard of a lot of \"barn\" weddings lately....what\'s up with that??!! Guess it\'s the latest fashion. My son is getting married next October....maybe I\'d better prepare myself!! LOL!
Enjoy Stewart! I know for me, having my little Maui (a yorkie) brings much joy and love into my life.
Hang in there my friend. You can, you will, and you ARE doing this!!! And I promise it\'s gets easier....at least for me it definitely has.
Tight heart hugs and lots of love~~Teri
I really need to proof read better!!!!
Thanks for sharing what\'s in YOUR heart and on your mind.....
Funny thing though....it\'s truly what\'s in all our hearts.....how to survive this nightmare.
Love to you!
Love to Brandon!
Hi! I wish we did not have to meet like this but....I lost my oldest daughter Michele(Shell) 2 years ago...and I to went a wedding this summer and had those pangs of guilt for smiling and enjoying myself...but I know our kids would not want us to stop having fun now and again! take care! gretcho
Oh yes...it was so strange to laugh and enjoy anything...but any joy that you can find allow yourself. What each of us have gone through is so devastating...so feel what you feel...even the good :) Love and hugs...Karen
It has been almost a year since losing my daughter and I, too will catch myself laughing or looking forward to something and think \"how can I be smiling, I shouldn\'t be doing that\". These amazing moms have told me over and over again, it\'s okay...life goes on in a different way for us...and in no way does the laughter or going to an event, disrespect our children. They are always with us, just in a different way and I know my daughter would want me to keep on keepin on.
Praying for moments of peace to you and I am so so sorry you lost your son, Brandon. (((hugs))) Vicki