Oh where do I begin...Well a week has passed since we got the news that I wasn't expecting to hear and granted the weekend was pretty rough, this week has gotten better. I bought all my hocus pocus supplements and all my clean organic foods, which has made my eating habits this week a whole lot better! Starting yoga up again and trying to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Don't get me wrong I still start to tear up every now and again, which is expected but the more I read and research about the odds of me getting pregnant with abnormal eggs it's starting to not look so promising. Granted, I know it's so soon and I haven't gotten my second opinion yet but I am mentally preparing myself for the DE topic to come up again. I guess the more and more I think about everything, if all my eggs do happen to be abnormal, the odds of me having a full term pregnancy is pretty slim to none and if they are abnormal, why in the hell would I want my RE to have them fertilized? I am basically saying, yes, please fertilize them, so I can either have my heart ripped out if it doesn't take! Or if it does, then what are the odds of us having a healthy baby? How selfish would I be if I brought a baby into this world that may have something wrong with it just so it can carry my DNA. It just doesn't sound fair to that child, my DH or myself.
We have decided to take a break as this whole TTC process has been one long stress out disaster. I have decided that I will get a second opinion, I have to at least put my mind at ease but if our percentages are not what we are hoping for then we will start the DE route. Because I am impatient and curious, I've looked at what some of the girls look like, don't get me wrong some of them are beautiful but I can already tell this is gong to be super hard for me as I want her to look as close to me as possible. So far, none of them do. And what is with some of them looking so seductive in the pictures?! Oh my gosh, this is not match.com, it's a damn donor egg website!
Most of all, I just want to have fun with my husband again. Don't get me wrong, we are stronger than ever but I want us to enjoy each other again, before we worried about whether or not we could have a baby, before all of this IF crap consumed our lives.
We have decided to take a break as this whole TTC process has been one long stress out disaster. I have decided that I will get a second opinion, I have to at least put my mind at ease but if our percentages are not what we are hoping for then we will start the DE route. Because I am impatient and curious, I've looked at what some of the girls look like, don't get me wrong some of them are beautiful but I can already tell this is gong to be super hard for me as I want her to look as close to me as possible. So far, none of them do. And what is with some of them looking so seductive in the pictures?! Oh my gosh, this is not match.com, it's a damn donor egg website!
Most of all, I just want to have fun with my husband again. Don't get me wrong, we are stronger than ever but I want us to enjoy each other again, before we worried about whether or not we could have a baby, before all of this IF crap consumed our lives.
Replies
I know you don\'t feel like it, but I think you\'re handling this like a champ. Focusing on getting healthy always helps me after failed cycles, and makes me feel like I\'m doing everything I can at a time when you pretty much feel helpless.
Enjoy DH, and try to relax. You never know what you\'ll hear from a different doctor. Keeping you in my thoughts xoxo
I think a break is a good thing! When will you get your second opinion? I liked having mine upfront and then taking time off to wrap my head around it all.
Where you looking at a national donor site? I always found those add as well! It was like they all put up modeling/playboy pics instead of just pictures of themselves! One of the main reasons we went with a local clinics donor database!
Remember, I am hear for you if you need a sounding board when it comes to the whole DE thing. And remember its okay for your donor wants and needs to change once you start looking. We really wanted someone that looked just like me. But went with someone who at least had some qualities I had, and same blood type as me. But most importantly we started looking for a proven donor with nothing large in their medical backgrounds.
Enjoy life for now! You deserve a fun, none TTC time off!
It sounds like you are in a good place. You have a plan, you are trying to focus on the positive, and you want to be in a good place. High five to you! Getting healthy, taking a break and getting a second opinion is great! I\'m sure either way, getting a second opinion will be so helpful for peace of mind. I\'m so happy to hear you are thinking of DE, and looking into tit. Even though that is not what is on your plate now, researching is a great way to feel more comfortable so you can make the best decision.
IF does make relationships stronger, but they aren\'t as fun and carefree. I\'m sure you two will re-connect and enjoy your life together again and this break will be a great way to speed it up.
Thinking of you, wishing you well and always cheering you on!
Like kDezzy said you are handling this like a champ, so glad to hear that you are gong to get a second opinion, I mean why not, it couldn\'t hurt! You are so right about the donor bases.. even my donor has a couple adorable selfies on the board haha, sex sells even in the infertility world haha and like LMWT .. I am also here if you need a sounding board!! XO
Thanks ladies! I really am not as strong as you think. I have my break down moments from listening to a certain song or watching shows that talk about trying to have a kid. I have my moments where I feel completely unattractive, like a piece of me is gone because I know that there is a really high chance that I can\'t conceive a baby with my own eggs. But with all that, I realize that my dad, whom was my step dad loved me as if I were his own blood & if he can do that then why can\'t I do the same with a baby that I would at least be able to carry. Do I want to feel sorry for myself and have a pity party? Yes, all the damn time but life goes on with or with out you, so I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with the cards that I\'ve been dealt. Thank you for all your support ladies! Truly, it\'s your stories that keep me going and give me the strength to have this \"it\'s going to be okay\" attitude. You are all great women and your children are going to be so blessed to have such wonderful moms!
You\'re wrong about one thing. You are MUCH stronger than you\'re giving yourself credit for!
Breaking down and crying doesn\'t mean you\'re not strong --- it means you\'re human and have gone through something emotionally taxing. Being strong had to do with not letting this define you and moving in a direction you feel confident about. Check and check for you :)
Take some time for you and your hubby and move to the next step when you\'re ready. Keep us posted so we can cheer you on.
I know you may not feel strong because you are hurting, but trust me, you are! It is incredibly hard to be happy for others, support everyone, and to even have a positive outlook, but you do! Focusing on the good will come around for you, and till then we are here.... and cry all you need!