Today
After 36 years, I thought I’d seen it all, but I hadn’t. When she passed away after a short illness at the end of June 2014, she had been my best friend, companion, confidant, and all the other terms of a good relationship. It’s hard to be without her, spending time only with myself. Just a bit of anger comes out once in awhile when I think why on earth did she have to die, just when I needed her most? It’s true the second year is the hardest. The initial shock has gone away and the reality of being without her forever has set in deeply. The only thing I’ve got going for me is I don’t need a psychotherapist (one word not three).
We had been together continuously except for the first three years when I still went out the door to work elsewhere. During our time together, she spent about six years in the hospitals. She always said time was stolen from her because from age 13 to age 27 she had already temporarily lived four years in hospitals. We even gave up our love of books most of the time because they distracted us from being together. Books were relegated to a few slow moments in the sun.
We both loved to travel, but for her that had been cut short. We had decided we would spend retirement traveling, it just didn’t happen. She always wanted to be near good medical care, no matter how much she despised the system. Even sailing, we always knew where we were and the nearest hospital for her. When we got the RV, traveling wasn’t easier for us, it only got more complex. She wanted to see more and the RV was one way to do that. Part of our planning meant we had to know where the hospitals were located so we could incorporate them into our trips, including parking in their lots.
We never expected to be apart, she definitely didn’t plan to lose her mind. Dementia was a challenge and exhausting. She would say one thing and want something totally different. It was really sad when her mind went to dementia. Her last year was good and bad. She couldn’t even remember she’d been in intensive care, let alone that she never wanted to see a hospital or doctor again. Thankfully she only remembered her good memories and she was happy most of the time, even at the end.
(There is) “no time to reflect on the tragic, confusing, unpredictable, and complex undoing of the marriage, until death provides that time. There is no way to prepare for the loss of a spouse’s mind.” – Ruth Joray
My nights by myself are the hardest and I’m plagued with bad dreams because it all comes back to my inability to save her life. I’ve slept more during the day in the past year than in my entire life. All I really want to do at night is go to bed and escape from my life, but I continue with my life and her ideals.
We had been together continuously except for the first three years when I still went out the door to work elsewhere. During our time together, she spent about six years in the hospitals. She always said time was stolen from her because from age 13 to age 27 she had already temporarily lived four years in hospitals. We even gave up our love of books most of the time because they distracted us from being together. Books were relegated to a few slow moments in the sun.
We both loved to travel, but for her that had been cut short. We had decided we would spend retirement traveling, it just didn’t happen. She always wanted to be near good medical care, no matter how much she despised the system. Even sailing, we always knew where we were and the nearest hospital for her. When we got the RV, traveling wasn’t easier for us, it only got more complex. She wanted to see more and the RV was one way to do that. Part of our planning meant we had to know where the hospitals were located so we could incorporate them into our trips, including parking in their lots.
We never expected to be apart, she definitely didn’t plan to lose her mind. Dementia was a challenge and exhausting. She would say one thing and want something totally different. It was really sad when her mind went to dementia. Her last year was good and bad. She couldn’t even remember she’d been in intensive care, let alone that she never wanted to see a hospital or doctor again. Thankfully she only remembered her good memories and she was happy most of the time, even at the end.
(There is) “no time to reflect on the tragic, confusing, unpredictable, and complex undoing of the marriage, until death provides that time. There is no way to prepare for the loss of a spouse’s mind.” – Ruth Joray
My nights by myself are the hardest and I’m plagued with bad dreams because it all comes back to my inability to save her life. I’ve slept more during the day in the past year than in my entire life. All I really want to do at night is go to bed and escape from my life, but I continue with my life and her ideals.
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