Fear
Fear of abandonment. Fear of being alone. Fear of being hurt.
Jealousy.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
So, I have the best husband in the world. He is super sweet, super supportive, etc. He is my rock. He always helps to calm me down when I'm upset. He always does everything in his power to make sure that everything is ok with me. He spends time with me. He loves me. He's my everything.
I have been hurt and cheated on soooo many times in my past. I have been hurt by literally every man in my life regardless of relationship status. Parents, friends, lovers, etc. Every man in my life has left. My biological dad left, my adopted dad left, my stepdad left, my ex husband cheated, every ex has cheated, etc. It's nuts.
My current husband has, to my knowledge, never cheated or hurt me in any way. Yet, I cannot help myself but to be paranoid that he will. I'm always paranoid that he will find better. I'm always paranoid he will cheat. I'm always paranoid he will leave. Why? The fuck if I know. I have always made sure to keep my fears about this in check. I have brought the fears up to him before but I don't get accusatory or start an argument. I speak about my fears, he reassures me it's all in my head and that he loves me, I'm his life, and he isn't going anywhere.
Today, he left for work. I went to get on the computer, and he left his facebook open. What did I do? I read every single message he had from a female. This is the first time I've done that to him. And I feel like shit. I don't know if I feel bad because I did it or if I feel like shit because I did it and didn't find anything to be mad about. There were a couple of things that upset me or made me mad...but in all reality, wasn't anything to be mad about. Was just jealousy stuff kicking in, not fear stuff. Or it was stuff that had happened before we were together or during the time we were split up so I have no business being upset about it.
I don't even know how to change my views or fears so that I stop letting them get in my way. And finally just accept the fact that I have a wonderful husband and he is not my past.
Jealousy.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
So, I have the best husband in the world. He is super sweet, super supportive, etc. He is my rock. He always helps to calm me down when I'm upset. He always does everything in his power to make sure that everything is ok with me. He spends time with me. He loves me. He's my everything.
I have been hurt and cheated on soooo many times in my past. I have been hurt by literally every man in my life regardless of relationship status. Parents, friends, lovers, etc. Every man in my life has left. My biological dad left, my adopted dad left, my stepdad left, my ex husband cheated, every ex has cheated, etc. It's nuts.
My current husband has, to my knowledge, never cheated or hurt me in any way. Yet, I cannot help myself but to be paranoid that he will. I'm always paranoid that he will find better. I'm always paranoid he will cheat. I'm always paranoid he will leave. Why? The fuck if I know. I have always made sure to keep my fears about this in check. I have brought the fears up to him before but I don't get accusatory or start an argument. I speak about my fears, he reassures me it's all in my head and that he loves me, I'm his life, and he isn't going anywhere.
Today, he left for work. I went to get on the computer, and he left his facebook open. What did I do? I read every single message he had from a female. This is the first time I've done that to him. And I feel like shit. I don't know if I feel bad because I did it or if I feel like shit because I did it and didn't find anything to be mad about. There were a couple of things that upset me or made me mad...but in all reality, wasn't anything to be mad about. Was just jealousy stuff kicking in, not fear stuff. Or it was stuff that had happened before we were together or during the time we were split up so I have no business being upset about it.
I don't even know how to change my views or fears so that I stop letting them get in my way. And finally just accept the fact that I have a wonderful husband and he is not my past.
Replies
Did you biological dad leave you or your mom? Did your adopted dad leave you or your your mom? What\'s may be going on \"in your head\" is a false assumption that everything is about you and your \"unlovability\" as an identity. Until you change the belief that you are do bad that everyone should leave you, you will continue to prove that your false assumption is correct. Your husband cannot \'change\' your mind, only you can do that. The only way to do that is to learn that you are responsible for attaching you feelings to any thought or belief. Originally you chose the unlovable belief, and now only you can change it. It\'s where the problem is. Them leaving has nothing to do with you, unless they specifically stated. \"I\'m leaving because of you!\". Did they say that? If not, then you\'ve made an emotional mistake, and your husband proves it! \"I am lovable after all\", is the correct self-talk. \"I was mistaken in believing these adult father figures left against my will. They had their own reasons; whether I want to agree with their reasons or not!\"
Lesson #1, EVERYTHING that doesn\'t work out the way you want is not because of you, or because you do not have magical powers that you want. You have absolutely NO CONTROL of any events outside of your own mind. Accept that principle, and accept that no matter what happened \"in the past\", you have still survived. Your past didn\'t kill you, it only hurt you belief that you should have magical powers no one else on the planet earth has.
You must choose to be okay with your past. It\'s never going to change, no matter how you feel about. As soon as you choose to decide to be Okay, it will no longer bother you.
Thank you Rich.
You\'re right. My biological dad didn\'t leave at all. Supposedly, according to him, he was overseas in the military, my mom left without him knowing, filed divorce without him knowing, and then filed adoption paperwork for my adopted dad without him knowing. By the time he found out, it was too late. At 10, my mom bailed and left me and my sister with my adopted dad and we didn\'t hear from her for 7 years. During that 7 years I was a horrible teenager. Drugs, alcohol, streets, the whole 9 yards. This ended up in me being in and out of jail, group homes, etc. My adopted dad had enough, kicked me out, and will only speak to me once a year.
I have a horrible habit of \"waiting for the other shoe to drop\" and it has done no favors, ever.
I did happen to pick up a book at the store today \"Codependent No More\" and am looking forward to reading it. I\'ve heard a lot of good things about it.
There is much to learn. Keep reading and applying what you learn. All of recovery is about learning about yourself and then faulty beliefs you have about who you are. One thing to learn about is \"an external locus of control\", where you look for things, events, people OUTSIDE of you to tell you who you are. It doesn\'t work. You even look to others to tell you what to think and what to feel. They don\'t know! Being \"dependent\" on others for your identity is the dependency part of co-dependency. You were taught to never make a mistake or others will abandon you. That\'s not true. Also look for the automatic, and unconscious, \"shoulds\", \"shouldn\'ts\", and \"musts\". If you read \"the Untethered soul\" you will become more aware of the \"roommate\" in your head. In the meantime, \"Codependent No More\" is a good starting point.
Keep your focus on getting better. You might also read my latest journal entry. Have as good a day as you can, while you learn new ways of being you.