Okay I need to write!
I've seen him today and I tried to act nonchalant. I went there(I kinda had to, I was waiting for the class to open its doors and he said you wanna sit?) so I did and he asked about my day I've told him about the surgery and he told me something about his. then I've asked him about his tattoo and he said he would show it to me but not here obviously. after class he just went away. I just feel like crying. he's downstairs I'm at the library but I can't stop feeling anxious. I don't know what's happening to me . I don't feel very well. I feel anxiety and I feel sadness and I feel hate of what are you doing ? I can trigger myself into thinking that he still likes me maybe he still loves me maybe he just needs me to give him that push.what the hell am i saying. he's an adult. he can push himself. if he lived me if he wanted me he would have come and talk to me. look around love where is he? he's not here. you are. what is your greatest objective? get married to him? to be treated like this? when you were down what did he do? he ignored it. when you needed a boyfriend the mist where was he? studying. because I was a subject that could be handled another time . firs the exams.
I want  to be a strong independent woman  not someone that goes into a corner and hides and cries. I want to be a women with a fierce look upon her eyes that tell you to be careful because she can do anything.
I miss you and maybe when you talk to me you may trick me into thinking that you miss me too. but the truth and the thing that I've to hale is that you really don't. you are simply really good at making yourself the victim.and I am really good into tricking myself that you are and to apologise for you. you don't need me apologising for you.
I'm tired of feeling tired.I'm tired of feeling worthless because you couldn't see my worth. I don't want to go after you again so you can feel the satisfaction of telling me no for the 8th time. you like it don't you? makes you feel wanted. I don't want to be mean but I don't want to feel in pieces each time for the simple exchange of words with you. I want to feel whole. because I'm whole, my mind is just playing tricks on me. it makes me feel otherwise.what's the best for you? for you, not for the situation not for an eventual get back together. for me the best right now is to be alone. I can have more time for my stuff for my studies and for me. I don't want to hale with fights. with fears. with everything so it's settled. I'm okay alone.I'm better of