Anxiety
This is one of those things that gets so messed up and twisted around, and triggers all of my issues and I just don't know how to handle.
I have some tendencies towards co-dependencies. This is not to say I am co-dependent in a clinical sense. I think co-dependent is often one of those pop-psychology buzz words people use to stay in a certain unhealthy dynamic. That is not so say I don't think it is a real psychological construct-because I do. I think it's a real thing and I think some people struggle with it. But like most human behaviors I think it falls within a continuum, and some of my behaviors, and Lee's behaviors fall within that continuum. He does that whole co-dependency thing where he wants to be a caretaker and then resents it when he's doing things he feels like he really never wanted to do that he committed to. I want to take care of everything because that serves my needs for control and then I get frustrated that no one is just lining up to take the burden off of me. This can make for some problems.
I have some control issues I am trying to work on. I have this cycle I go through which is very unhealthy and counterproductive, ultimately. I want everything to be perfect, and just so, and hold myself up to this impossible ideal of everything I am supposed to do. Because of this perfectionism I end up getting extremely anxious, because I end up feeling like there is never enough time in the day to do what I need to do, and every time I get one thing done 6 more get added to my list, and I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I have all of this responsibility.
I become overwhelmed, and then the depression and the shut down occurs. I get depressed that I fail at what I want to accomplish (because for some reason none of what I DO accomplish satisfies me if I don't do everything perfectly all the time), and then I just get this feeling like I can't take it anymore and just don't do anything but lick my wounds. I retreat into a little cocoon where I do the minimum I need to do and let the rest pile up until the anxiety of not accomplishing overrides the pain of the depression and I start the whole cycle all over again.
I have toyed with options for dealing with this vicious cycle but non of them seems to make me feel any better. Some of it has to do with dealing with faulty thinking. I try to focus on what I do accomplish and not on won't I don't-to put it simply. I do my "what ifs" and try to convince myself good enough is good enough. It helps somewhat. It does not seem to stop me from beginning the vicious cycle. It only serves to take the edge off when I get caught in the cycle yet again-may be makes the circle tighter, less vicious. I can counter my anxious thoughts-but that does not seem to stop them from occurring in the first place.
I am in my head a lot. I already do a lot of second guessing, and self evaluation. Sometimes it feels like this CBT ABC stuff I do just makes this tendency for intellectualization worse, it disconnects me even more from feelings and solidifies this distrusting and not accepting my emotions. Or maybe I'm just not good enough at it yet. Maybe it fails because of the circular nature of my faulty thoughts. Like I think about something I am grateful for and I immediately think about how that might be taken away, and instead maybe I need to keep thinking about grateful thoughts until enough endorphins are released that it counters that adrenaline and I quit thinking about those negative comebacks to positive affirmations. See what I mean? I can't even decide if my CBT is a good thing or bad thing. And then I start beating myself up for not being able to do better with my faulty thinking, like damn, girl, you can't even do that right!
The other option I have is to ask for help. Not something I am good at either, and asking for help makes me feel anxious on multiple fronts. First of all just asking AT all, the act of asking makes me anxious. I have learned to identify this feeling. Because I am asserting my needs, NOT something I was ever taught or encouraged to do. It's like asking for help is equated with weakness, with vulnerability. Independence was valued in my childhood home. Self sufficiency, self sacrifice by doing things before they were even asked of you. Then when I do ask for help several things occur which also create anxiety. One thing is that things don't get done in the way they would have if I had done them myself, so my perfectionism just gets projected onto whoever is helping me. Then, instead of feeling angry with myself I feel angry at Lee, for example.
He could tell I was stressed out because I had been looking forward to a weekend where nothing was planned and I could indulge this sick need I have to do things myself, in my own way, cross off some things on my to-do list that have been put off the last few weekends while we did "fun" stuff (I can't even enjoy fun stuff because I always feel like it takes away from the "should" stuff that could get done in it's place), however I got sick. Damn kids at my school, always getting me sick. I don't have time for sick. So he offered to do whatever it was I was planning to do this weekend for me. He said "Make me a honey do list." Sweet, right? A loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend, I know.
My immediate thoughts were "Yeah, right. If I make you list there's only so much on it you can do, some of it I have to do, like fill Rachel's med dispenser for her trip to Texas, and out of the things I do put on the list you'll only do a quarter of them, and when you do them you won't do them the way I would like them done anyway. And then I'll end up just as stressed out as I am before I gave you the list, and on top of it I'll be irritated because things are done half ass, and I'll be resentful that when you ask me what I want done and what will help and I take the plunge and tell you-when even that is hard for me to do-you don't do most of it anyway."
When I start something-I do it 100% and I finish it. As a matter or fact-if I can't do something perfect-I won't even start it. For example, if I know it takes me 2 and a half hours to clean the master bedroom (which it does) and I don't have the 2 and a half hours to complete it I won't even do it. Now, that is not beneficial thinking to me, is it? I don't think so! But when Lee starts sweeping the floors downstairs, and leaves the little pile of dirt for several days without finishing it, that kind of thing drives me totally bananas! And I have several choices, I can make an issue out of the fact that little pile is on the floor for two days instead of focusing on the fact Lee is helping around the house-or I can pick up the damn pile of dirt myself-which means I will resent that I had to do it, and I am taking away Lee's opportunity to finish what he started. Either way, I get stressed out about it. There has to be something else I can do to get out of that lose-lose!!!
The other thing that stresses me out of these situations is that when I ask Lee to do the things I usually do without saying a word about them-he gets stressed out. He starts feeling overwhelmed by just a few of the things I ask him to do. I know part of the reason is because there is the additional pressure he has of doing it for me, like my happiness is riding on it (which unfortunately it is), and the other reason is I do a lot and take on a lot, and when suddenly he's faced with doing things he takes for granted I kick ass on (because I'm a little OCD that way) it's stressful. And yet I'm thinking, I do these things all the time, and I never complain, I just plug along and don't say a word-and YOU'VE got the gall to bitch about them?! Get over it buddy! Welcome to life in our household! What do you think I've been doing for the past two years while you've been working on your recovery?
Like I asked him to clean the bedroom, the loft, and the laundry room and do the laundry (which were about half of what I planned to get done over the weekend). First thing he says is "Well, that's not all getting done." And I thought, WHY DID YOU ASK ME THEN? That's what I want, and what I was willing and planning on doing AND what needs done-but it clearly I ain't getting it. Then he starts bitching about cleaning the laundry room, how no one ever cleans up the laundry room. I actually tidy it up weekly which he doesn't see me do and I don't announce to the world, but because it's messy again, and I asked him to do it suddenly he's the only one who ever does it. Whatever.
Now, my big problem with this pretty normal household partnership kind of problems is that because of my issues I shut down over any kind of high emotions. Him getting pissy about doing household chores, it VERY punishing and anxiety producing for me. All it does, is reinforce my already unhealthy and strong desire to avoid asking for help, and wanting to do everything myself because I feel very anxious by his negative emotional response and want to avoid it at all costs. To me, even though I know he is not my ex husband, and is nothing like my ex husband in reality, I equate any kind of negative emotional response with abuse. I associate it to guilt trips, and upcoming criticisms, and snarky comments, and the cold shoulder, and rages, and items being thrown, and holes punched in walls, and all the other things that happened whenever my ex had any little thing upset him-even if it had nothing to do with me. I was the one who he would take it out on when any little thing made him the least bit unhappy. And even though I know it's no longer an appropriate response-I still expect it from Lee.
So instead of telling him how I feel, everything I wrote down here, I just continue my cycle. Either getting lost in my head over this whole anxiety-perfectionism-anxiety-procrastination-anxiety-perfectionism (throw some depression in there) and feeling like I'm spinning my wheels all the time, or ask for help and end up feeling punished for it, and getting too anxious about it to even talk it out. I get stuck in my head-or freeze-which is what I do. And either way I end up anxious.
I have no idea how to solve this. I need counseling. Clearly.
I have some tendencies towards co-dependencies. This is not to say I am co-dependent in a clinical sense. I think co-dependent is often one of those pop-psychology buzz words people use to stay in a certain unhealthy dynamic. That is not so say I don't think it is a real psychological construct-because I do. I think it's a real thing and I think some people struggle with it. But like most human behaviors I think it falls within a continuum, and some of my behaviors, and Lee's behaviors fall within that continuum. He does that whole co-dependency thing where he wants to be a caretaker and then resents it when he's doing things he feels like he really never wanted to do that he committed to. I want to take care of everything because that serves my needs for control and then I get frustrated that no one is just lining up to take the burden off of me. This can make for some problems.
I have some control issues I am trying to work on. I have this cycle I go through which is very unhealthy and counterproductive, ultimately. I want everything to be perfect, and just so, and hold myself up to this impossible ideal of everything I am supposed to do. Because of this perfectionism I end up getting extremely anxious, because I end up feeling like there is never enough time in the day to do what I need to do, and every time I get one thing done 6 more get added to my list, and I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I have all of this responsibility.
I become overwhelmed, and then the depression and the shut down occurs. I get depressed that I fail at what I want to accomplish (because for some reason none of what I DO accomplish satisfies me if I don't do everything perfectly all the time), and then I just get this feeling like I can't take it anymore and just don't do anything but lick my wounds. I retreat into a little cocoon where I do the minimum I need to do and let the rest pile up until the anxiety of not accomplishing overrides the pain of the depression and I start the whole cycle all over again.
I have toyed with options for dealing with this vicious cycle but non of them seems to make me feel any better. Some of it has to do with dealing with faulty thinking. I try to focus on what I do accomplish and not on won't I don't-to put it simply. I do my "what ifs" and try to convince myself good enough is good enough. It helps somewhat. It does not seem to stop me from beginning the vicious cycle. It only serves to take the edge off when I get caught in the cycle yet again-may be makes the circle tighter, less vicious. I can counter my anxious thoughts-but that does not seem to stop them from occurring in the first place.
I am in my head a lot. I already do a lot of second guessing, and self evaluation. Sometimes it feels like this CBT ABC stuff I do just makes this tendency for intellectualization worse, it disconnects me even more from feelings and solidifies this distrusting and not accepting my emotions. Or maybe I'm just not good enough at it yet. Maybe it fails because of the circular nature of my faulty thoughts. Like I think about something I am grateful for and I immediately think about how that might be taken away, and instead maybe I need to keep thinking about grateful thoughts until enough endorphins are released that it counters that adrenaline and I quit thinking about those negative comebacks to positive affirmations. See what I mean? I can't even decide if my CBT is a good thing or bad thing. And then I start beating myself up for not being able to do better with my faulty thinking, like damn, girl, you can't even do that right!
The other option I have is to ask for help. Not something I am good at either, and asking for help makes me feel anxious on multiple fronts. First of all just asking AT all, the act of asking makes me anxious. I have learned to identify this feeling. Because I am asserting my needs, NOT something I was ever taught or encouraged to do. It's like asking for help is equated with weakness, with vulnerability. Independence was valued in my childhood home. Self sufficiency, self sacrifice by doing things before they were even asked of you. Then when I do ask for help several things occur which also create anxiety. One thing is that things don't get done in the way they would have if I had done them myself, so my perfectionism just gets projected onto whoever is helping me. Then, instead of feeling angry with myself I feel angry at Lee, for example.
He could tell I was stressed out because I had been looking forward to a weekend where nothing was planned and I could indulge this sick need I have to do things myself, in my own way, cross off some things on my to-do list that have been put off the last few weekends while we did "fun" stuff (I can't even enjoy fun stuff because I always feel like it takes away from the "should" stuff that could get done in it's place), however I got sick. Damn kids at my school, always getting me sick. I don't have time for sick. So he offered to do whatever it was I was planning to do this weekend for me. He said "Make me a honey do list." Sweet, right? A loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend, I know.
My immediate thoughts were "Yeah, right. If I make you list there's only so much on it you can do, some of it I have to do, like fill Rachel's med dispenser for her trip to Texas, and out of the things I do put on the list you'll only do a quarter of them, and when you do them you won't do them the way I would like them done anyway. And then I'll end up just as stressed out as I am before I gave you the list, and on top of it I'll be irritated because things are done half ass, and I'll be resentful that when you ask me what I want done and what will help and I take the plunge and tell you-when even that is hard for me to do-you don't do most of it anyway."
When I start something-I do it 100% and I finish it. As a matter or fact-if I can't do something perfect-I won't even start it. For example, if I know it takes me 2 and a half hours to clean the master bedroom (which it does) and I don't have the 2 and a half hours to complete it I won't even do it. Now, that is not beneficial thinking to me, is it? I don't think so! But when Lee starts sweeping the floors downstairs, and leaves the little pile of dirt for several days without finishing it, that kind of thing drives me totally bananas! And I have several choices, I can make an issue out of the fact that little pile is on the floor for two days instead of focusing on the fact Lee is helping around the house-or I can pick up the damn pile of dirt myself-which means I will resent that I had to do it, and I am taking away Lee's opportunity to finish what he started. Either way, I get stressed out about it. There has to be something else I can do to get out of that lose-lose!!!
The other thing that stresses me out of these situations is that when I ask Lee to do the things I usually do without saying a word about them-he gets stressed out. He starts feeling overwhelmed by just a few of the things I ask him to do. I know part of the reason is because there is the additional pressure he has of doing it for me, like my happiness is riding on it (which unfortunately it is), and the other reason is I do a lot and take on a lot, and when suddenly he's faced with doing things he takes for granted I kick ass on (because I'm a little OCD that way) it's stressful. And yet I'm thinking, I do these things all the time, and I never complain, I just plug along and don't say a word-and YOU'VE got the gall to bitch about them?! Get over it buddy! Welcome to life in our household! What do you think I've been doing for the past two years while you've been working on your recovery?
Like I asked him to clean the bedroom, the loft, and the laundry room and do the laundry (which were about half of what I planned to get done over the weekend). First thing he says is "Well, that's not all getting done." And I thought, WHY DID YOU ASK ME THEN? That's what I want, and what I was willing and planning on doing AND what needs done-but it clearly I ain't getting it. Then he starts bitching about cleaning the laundry room, how no one ever cleans up the laundry room. I actually tidy it up weekly which he doesn't see me do and I don't announce to the world, but because it's messy again, and I asked him to do it suddenly he's the only one who ever does it. Whatever.
Now, my big problem with this pretty normal household partnership kind of problems is that because of my issues I shut down over any kind of high emotions. Him getting pissy about doing household chores, it VERY punishing and anxiety producing for me. All it does, is reinforce my already unhealthy and strong desire to avoid asking for help, and wanting to do everything myself because I feel very anxious by his negative emotional response and want to avoid it at all costs. To me, even though I know he is not my ex husband, and is nothing like my ex husband in reality, I equate any kind of negative emotional response with abuse. I associate it to guilt trips, and upcoming criticisms, and snarky comments, and the cold shoulder, and rages, and items being thrown, and holes punched in walls, and all the other things that happened whenever my ex had any little thing upset him-even if it had nothing to do with me. I was the one who he would take it out on when any little thing made him the least bit unhappy. And even though I know it's no longer an appropriate response-I still expect it from Lee.
So instead of telling him how I feel, everything I wrote down here, I just continue my cycle. Either getting lost in my head over this whole anxiety-perfectionism-anxiety-procrastination-anxiety-perfectionism (throw some depression in there) and feeling like I'm spinning my wheels all the time, or ask for help and end up feeling punished for it, and getting too anxious about it to even talk it out. I get stuck in my head-or freeze-which is what I do. And either way I end up anxious.
I have no idea how to solve this. I need counseling. Clearly.
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