I feel like I have failed everybody by leaving my marriage. Maybe I should have stayed and put up with the abuse. I did it for 25 years so what would be another 25 years. I mean how much longer do I have left on this earth anyway? My mom always told me you made your bed and now you have to lie in it and maybe she was right. Who was I to think I could be happy on my own? My stbx hangs out with my sister and her family and he goes over to my mom's all the time. He gets to run me down and they believe everything he tells them. In the 7 months since I left not one of them has once called me or emailed me to ask how I am doing. I hear nothing from anybody. I am made to look like the bad one. He tells everybody that I have been running around on him for years which is a complete lie. They weren't there when I was backed against a wall being spit on..they weren't there when I had to duck to avoid being hit by things that were thrown at me...they weren't there when I had my shirt ripped off my back because I tried to call for help...they weren't there for the cursing and constant belittling...they weren't there when I was forced to have sex with him....they weren't there when I lived locked up in my bedroom because I was scared for my life. They never seen any of it. He was always good around them. It is my fault because I never told them anything. I didn't want them to know how I was living. That first time that he hit me I decided then and there I could never tell anybody. I was ashamed of my life. I wanted them to think I had it all and my moms words kept echoing in my head..."you made your bed and now you have to lie in it." I am struggling to get by. My son is in college trying to pay his way through school. Financially he has been struggling lately, working and going to school and I can't even help him. I can barely help myself. My sons birthday just went by and his dad sent him $20. My sister and her family were going on how great he was for sending him $20 for his birthday. That is all the money he has gotten from his Dad is 7 months!! My stbx quit his job and moved back to our hometown when I left him. So how he is working a minimum wage job but he is living with his brother and paying little for board. He has lots of extra money to go out and party every weekend while I don't even know how I am going to make it from one day to the next. Christmas is coming and I can't even afford a Christmas dinner for my family. I can't even buy them anything..there is no extra money. Maybe I should have just stayed. I would have been better off financially and I wouldn't have my family turned against me. My children stand behind my decision they lived the life too. I just had enough...I just wanted to be happy and to be at peace and now I have failed everybody...maybe I was being selfish...:(
Replies
((((Hugs))) I was so sad reading this. You did the right thing. You do not deserve to be abused. I\'m sorry that your family is not being understanding and standing by you. You will be happy..it just takes time. You have your children backing you up and that is what you need.
No one should ever have to live with abuse. Domestic Violence is a crime. It is a criminal act of assault and battery, harassment, sexual assault, sexual battery, disorderly misconduct, reckless endangerment, and murder. It is when the abuser abuses a family member. It is when the abuser abuses a household member who is or was residing in the same single dwelling unit.
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. A lot of people tend to believe that physical violence is the only criminal act in domestic violence. In fact, psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse, are acts of domestic violence.
Epidemic
About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually assaulted by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman\'s Lifespan: The Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women\'s Health, 1999)
\"In 1992 and 1993 almost 5 million violent crimes were committed annually against women age 12 and older.\" Stop Domestic Violence: An Action Plan For Saving Lives. Lou Brown, Francois Dubau, and Merrit McKeon, J.D.
Learned Behavior
More than half the children who witness their fathers beating their mothers become batterers or victims, too. Boys are more likely to become batterers. Girls frequently date or marry abusers and nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused by guys they date continue to see them.
Types of Abuse
Physical Abuse: hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, pushing.
Emotional/Verbal abuse: put downs, intimidation, manipulation, insults.
Sexual Abuse: forcing someone to have sex.
Financial Abuse: keeping money from someone and keeping a person from working.
Stop The Cycle
It is time to stop the cycle of domestic violence. How could we as a society stop such an epidemic? We start by helping one victim at a time. We stop by helping ourselves. We start admitting that the abuse is wrong and that there is no excuse for such a horrible, unspeakable behavior.
Suggested Reading: Stop Domestic Violence: An Action Plan For Saving Lives. By Lou Brown (Nicole Brown Simpson\'s Father), Francois Dubau, and Merrit McKeon, J.D.
To be Anchor In The Storm: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women. By Susan Brewster, M.S.S.W.
Reach Out
There are a number of organizations set up to help those in need. The internet provides an endless amount of websites for domestic violence. Libraries have an enormous amount of books on domestic violence for everyone to read. Most states have battered shelters for women and children. If your town or state doesn\'t have one, vote for one. Find out how you could make it happen. Find out how you could help those who are being abused and find out how you could receive the proper help in the area you live in.
Please know that I think you did the right thing. He was abusing you and the worst part is that your children witnessed it. I know, I lived it for 16 years. I didnt tell many people as well. Mine was more verbal and emotional, but was becoming physical toward the end. You and your kids deserved more than that. You should not have stayed. It took me a long time to leave as well, I always thought I was doing the \"right \" thing by staying. I was so wrong. I did more harm. Please know that the only ones who know the truth are you and the kids and your husband(if he is mentally capable). Keep on doing what you are doing even though it is hard. Eventually your family will see through him.I know it must hurt, but you are worth so much more than the way he treated you. Please hang in there!!!!
I\'m right behind you, he not physical but lots of metal abuse. Having his girlfriend on his computer screen, haveing a savings account in his and her name and a budget. Spending more on her for christmas buying her Tiffiny diamonds earrings should I go on. I want out of her as soon as posible.
Don\'t have a lot of money. but a lot of love in friends many hugs, Carolyn
Don\'t be so hard on yourself. Sounds like you\'re better off without his abuse! Why isn\'t your family being supportive? He sounds very manipulative and it\'s terrible your family is giving the cold shoulder. Maybe you\'re better off without them too!
You are putting yourself down when you shouldn\'t, Startinanew. Believe us when we say you made the right decision! There is no justification for abuse. None. Your family may be being deceived by his lies now, but those lies will be his undoing. What goes around comes around... he\'ll get his someday. Not tomorrow, maybe not the next. But you are standing for what you believe is right in the face of terrible adversity. And what you believe is right - we are right behind you! Stay strong and you\'ll persevere!
All my best to you :)
Jeremy
Your family will realize what he is. all that matters is that you are safe and your kids are safe. honostly do you think your children would be happier back in that situation and would you ( just so you can buy Christmas ?)? It will get better holidays usually bring most people down even when they have money and all.You made the right decision and you have to remember that you failed noone, he is the one that failed everyone when he chose to abuse you and your children.And in time everyone will figure that out!! My prayers are with you.
Hi Startin! I can sooooooooo relate girlfriend....been there, done that, earned the friggin t-shirt. IMHO, Madre is absolutely correct. I will tell you that I could not afford Christmas the first one after I kicked my ex to the curb either. I went to my minister (before I converted to Catholic) and explained my situation. They gathered food for me to cook all of the great Chrismas dinner. And they were able to get some things donated for under the tree....my sons at that time were 12 and 8 yrs. old. Santa Mom put a note in each of their stockings with candy that said things will get better financially, and we will go shopping during the after Christmas sales. Please know that you and your kids are in my prayers every night. You can do this!!!! Giant hugs from OKC!! Cindi
hey startinanew i just wanted to agree -- you did the right thing!don\'t feel guilt for all the years you stay. we sometimes get into bad relationship. you have been a great role model for your kids now by leaving. hey it was hard. hey it took time. that is why it is even more powerful and inspiring! they can say my mom took a lot of crap for a long time-- but she got out! she knew deep down, and she listened. thats powerful. some friends of mines, their mom never left and never showed at all that she thought it was wrong... now those girls stay. even when my mom got into bad relationships, at least she talked with me and told me \"this aint right.\" you\'re doing good. you know what is the best christmas present ever for any kid? mom not getting abused. trust me, i know. good job!!!