I am through blaming my H for my unhappiness and my failed marriage. I can’t go on in life feeling sorry for myself and wishing things had been different. Things are what they are and I have no choice but to move forward from here. I don’t have nor have I ever had it as bad as a lot of women on here. At times things were tough and I put up with a lot more then I ever should have but that was my choice. I chose to stay for all those years. I made that decision many years ago..that was what I wanted. I wanted to give this marriage all that I had..I wanted to have that happy family. It hasn’t all been bad...we have many wonderful memories together, the birth of our children, our many family vacations, camping trips, movie nights... We had bad times but when he would hold me in his arms, everything would feel alright. I would get that warm, cozy feeling even after being together for many many years...I had so many hopes and dreams. Slowly over the years we began to grow apart, the words became harder to forget. They stayed etched in my mind, my heart began to break piece by piece and a wall began to build around it...as much I tried I could not forgive him and I could not get back those feeling that I once had for him. I would look at him and it was almost like I was looking at a stranger..I couldn’t even see the man I once loved. I couldn’t find those things in him that once gave me hope...sadly I slowly fell out of love with him. As hard as I tried to grasp back on to those feeling I once had they were gone. We simply became two people living in the same house, sharing expenses. For the past three years we never speak, we never hug or have any kind of physical contact. I sleep in my own room where I watch TV and go on my computer...he sleeps in the basement where he watches TV there. He does lash out at me at times but I no longer feel anything...his words mean nothing. They don’t hurt anymore because my heart isn’t in it anymore. I cry because I am lonely and want out of here not because his words hurts me.  I feel nothing..I am numb...I will always care about him because he is the father of my children but somebody has to make that move. Life is passing us by and we are both just living day to day... I will be the one who has to go because he believes in his wedding vows and that until death do us part should mean exactly that..that we stood before God and made a promise that we should never break. It hurts that I have to be the one to hurt him...I use to think years ago when he was being abusive that my payback would come the day I walked out that door. That on that day when he was finally all alone he would understand the hurt and pain that he caused us. But now that the time has come I struggle with hurting him....I know he is miserable too and I want him to be happy again. And sadly he will never have that if we stay together. In order for that to happen I have to let him go for the sake of both of us....he might not understand that now but he will in time. 20+ years is a long time and people change. The person you were a long time ago is not necessarily the person you are today...time has a way of changing people. I have grown from who I was way back then.  I wish it could have been forever, that we could have grown old together, that we could have had that happily ever after but it wasn’t meant to be.....who knows what the future holds for us but in order to find that out I have to walk out that door and not look back..I have to be the one to give us both the chance to find the peace and happiness we deserve...we couldnt find it together...maybe we will be able to find it apart......