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I hate this lonely feeling that creeps up on me when I lay in bed each night...a big, cold, empty bed..lying there crying into my pillow wondering how my life went so wrong..what did I do so bad to deserve this? I am so tired of crying and feeling so alone..putting on a happy face for all to see but crying so desperately on the inside. Every day is a fight to get through...every day a struggle...I try so hard to be strong but when I am alone at night in the lonely, darkness of my room I begin to weaken...I give in to those feelings....I begin to think and think and think..it is only then I am safe with my feelings where nobody can see my tears or hear my sobs when night becomes morning I crawl out of bed to face the world again with a smile on my face and laughter in my voice...I can't allow people to know my true feelings, they would never understand but then again do they even really care? The only people who truly care about me are the few people I have grown close to on here...people who I have never met face-to-face yet they care more about me then the people who have known me for so long. What I wouldn't give for a simple hug..to feel like I mattered. I look around me and I see all these people so in love...people walking hand in hand, smiling, laughing, enjoying life and I can't help but wonder why not me? Why can't I have those things? Why can't I have somebody who loves and adores me? Why was I never enough? Why couldn't I be loved? Why does he treat me so badly? Why? Why? Why?
Replies
I understand! It\'s so easy to get caught up in all of the pain and stuck with the past as it is ever-present in our minds... a cancerous wound that eats away... slowly killing us. Tonight you can feel a little bit better because you no longer have to look back... only forward... and WOW what you have to look forward to! I hug you... I accept you... tears and feelings and all that makes you real... you\'re going to be ok... we\'ll make it my friend! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Angel
Laurel, I love you and would love nothing more than to give you a big hug sweetie....and I TRULY mean that!
In the short space of time that i have known you, you have become very important to me and its such a pleasure to have you in my life. I would truly miss you if i didnt have you in my life...thats how important you are to me sweetie!
It is possible for you to have all the things you want in your life Laurel...the hugs....the love....the kindness...someone who worships you. But first Laurel, you must do what you have to do, and that is to find a better life for yourself away from the person who causes you all this misery and heartache. You can do this Laurel.....i\'m with you all the way sweetheart! Love you sweetie. x
Thank you ladies for your comments..you, two, mean so very much to me. I value the friendships we have..I know no matter what you both will always be there for me and that means a great deal. Angel we can do this honey...there will be up and down struggles but we will get there.
I am feeling better this morning...its seems once the darkness disappears and morning comes my mood changes and I begin to think more positive...the nights are by far the hardest for me!! When I am laying in bed all alone there is just too much time to think..8(
I don\'t know why bad things seem to happen to good people, but it seems they often do. I surely don\'t know why people treat each other so badly, but the so often do. I have been hurt before. I have had my heart very broken before,too. You can get past it and you can make a new life for yourself. First remember that you do not need a man to have a life. Learn to love yourself and be comfortable with yourself. You know you are a great person. You can sit down and write down all of your good qualities! You will see you are worth loving, and love is worth waiting for. I did not find my true love,soul mate,best friend until I was 35,(well we married when I was 35)Night time is the time when all most all of us has our fears, griefs, hurts, and heartbreak slip up on us. I grieve for 2 sons and a step daughter, nights are the worst for me too. My hurt is diffrent from yours, but at night,when I want just to rest my weary mind and body, my thoughts race in vicious and fast circles. I can;t sleep,but I;m worn out and tired and I cannot deal with thinking one more thought. What do you do? I have no idea. I work on it and through it every night aftber night. You just keep on trying, Honey you just keep on trying. Don\'t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself time. It is always the hardest at night. I care about you. I love you. I am here for you Love Peggy
Laurel, I can\'t say I know your whole story but I do know that I have felt the same way at one point and it does get better. I always found that if I let myself feel those feelings instead of holding them in that I got over them quicker. I am glad to hear you are feeling better this morning. This journey is a rollercoaster for sure but it does end! Take care, Beth
Hey girlfriend....I second what Sarah said. You need to get away from what brings you down the most. It might be hard at first, but it will be well worth it. Once you feel better about what\'s going on around you, then you can concentrate on yourself and the things that make you happy. Everything else that you wonder \'Why?\" about will fall into place. And here\'s a BIG HUG for now.
I am so in agreement with Sarah too. Here\'s my take....Until Gary and I were no longer together, I had such low self esteem that I could hardly go on. And, as hard as I tried by making all my arrangements, I allowed the fact that I had kids to cloud my judgement and we always stayed and didn\'t make that move we needed to. When I finally had enough (and I felt safe), the kids and I made a break and went to family in VA. Unfortunately, my lowness of heart followed me there. My parents, my friends, people I\'ve known forever didn\'t know what to do with me....I had my biggest nervous breakdown ever in my brother\'s living room. I have never understood why they couldn\'t have more empathy for me....BUT THAT\'S THEIR PROBLEM not mine. It wasn\'t until about 6 months later and 2 more moves, back to Alaska and back to Florida, that I found someone to love me for me. He wasn\'t the most handsome guy in the world, but he loved ME! He still does....the marriage didn\'t work because there really wasn\'t any chemistry (I was so lonely I married him anyway, he became my best friend). He understood and so the saga continues. All I had to do was GET OUT and start living!!! I hope you can get past this mental block you\'re in. You are a strong woman and I\'m here and so many others are here to help you through the door and into the kind of life you so deserve! LOVE YOU LAUREL! xoxoxoxo
Oh hon - you do matter. You have a family. Your stbx isn\'t your whole life only the bad part of it. Look around you and I\'m sure you have things that can make you happy if you let them in. You have to let go of your misery, let go of him. If you can start to accept that it\'s over, you will start healing. Only then can you move forward. The loneliness doesn\'t go away completely, but you can handle it. You can deal with it.
I am so sorry that you are still hurting. I wish I could give you a big hug right now and tell you that you do matter and you are worthy. Your stbx doesn\'t deserve you and you have done NOTHING wrong to deserve his betrayal of your marriage.
Please try to face each day with the words, \"today I will let go of him a little more\". I know it\'s easier said than done but for your own sake you must learn to let it go.
My heart breaks for you. Acceptance is the hardest stage to get through but once you do it feels as if a weight is lifted off your shoulders. You feel so much freer from the confinements of pain and hurt. Please dry your tears (although they will still come now and then) and start living your life for YOU and not your marriage or your stbx. Live for YOU. Hugs to you hon - hang in there, it will come and you will be happy again just like everybody else.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, you will get through this ((( HUGS)))
Hey Girlie: I am sending massive hugs your way. The thought of you crying yourself to sleep sickened me, you don\'t deserve that - you deserve so much better. You will find someone special and you will have those special feelings again, I know that it will happen for you. In the meantime, we are here for you...Maria J.
Thank you for all your support..