7 Months
To my Wife
I'm almost halfway through the 7th month now Babe. I wish I could say it's gotten easier but for some reason I seem to be slipping backwards instead of forwards. I get angry about things that wouldn't normally bother me and resentfull of things I know I can't change. I've been having a lot of strange dreams as well. Maybe it's the seasonal change in the weather or maybe I'm just going through another stage of depression. Either way I find it hard to think about you without breaking down. It seemed I was moving forward for awhile, even having days when I looked forward to things coming up. I remade an aquaintance with a woman I've known for most of my life. She was one of the first people to accept you into our group of friends after you and I had met and you two spent a lot of time together and became good friends. She's a sweet person and I enjoy her company, sharing a lot of likes and dislikes but then she seemed to be quickly moving to a point where she wanted to know where "we" were going and to me there is no "we" because to me there is still only you and I, so we had to talk and keep within a friendship level. I think I enjoyed talking to someone but I don't want any kind of relationship at this point and in my mind, can't see that happening anywhere in my future. I have no romantic interest in anyone whatsoever. I've been honest and said I will never take your wedding ring off my little finger and while I know some people see it as a milestone I never will.
Yesterday I took the dog for a long drive to a remote area that was one of yours' and my favourite areas to hike. The dog certainly enjoyed it and after 3 hours of hiking I thought I'd feel better but all I could think about was how the last time I was here we'd been here together and I could see you everywhere in my mind. I must have been hallucinating in some way because I always remember you walking along at times with your damn cigarettes and every once in awhile yesterday I would get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I wasn't sure the first time but after the 4th or 5th time I smelled it I knew it as a light puff of cigarette smoke. I was the only one in the park and where we were I know there was no one around because it was very rugged and remote and the dog is very protective and would have sensed anyone in the area but those whiffs of cigarette smoke kept showing up for a few seconds here and there through out the entire hike.
I don't know what to think sweetheart, but I do know that you're still in my mind and heart almost every waking moment of every day, regardless of who I'm with or where I am. Your family asked me to spend thanksgiving with them this year but I just don't think I can yet. It was always a day you'd be busy in the kitchen shooing me out of your way but it's just another day to me now. Another holiday without you and means nothing to me. Just another reminder that you're gone. I'm dreading Christmas and the kids have already said they don't want to set anything up this year because you always went crazy at Christmas and it's just too painfull a reminder. I know people do things like that in spite of the pain but I guess the wounds are still too deep for all of us.
I read the 7 stages of grief and I seem to be sitting right in the middle of the 4th stage at the moment,unable to move. Hopefully time will help in it's own way but for now this is all I have.
I love you sweetheart and I pray where you are is safe and happy.
I miss you more than I can express in words.
All my love,
Mike
I'm almost halfway through the 7th month now Babe. I wish I could say it's gotten easier but for some reason I seem to be slipping backwards instead of forwards. I get angry about things that wouldn't normally bother me and resentfull of things I know I can't change. I've been having a lot of strange dreams as well. Maybe it's the seasonal change in the weather or maybe I'm just going through another stage of depression. Either way I find it hard to think about you without breaking down. It seemed I was moving forward for awhile, even having days when I looked forward to things coming up. I remade an aquaintance with a woman I've known for most of my life. She was one of the first people to accept you into our group of friends after you and I had met and you two spent a lot of time together and became good friends. She's a sweet person and I enjoy her company, sharing a lot of likes and dislikes but then she seemed to be quickly moving to a point where she wanted to know where "we" were going and to me there is no "we" because to me there is still only you and I, so we had to talk and keep within a friendship level. I think I enjoyed talking to someone but I don't want any kind of relationship at this point and in my mind, can't see that happening anywhere in my future. I have no romantic interest in anyone whatsoever. I've been honest and said I will never take your wedding ring off my little finger and while I know some people see it as a milestone I never will.
Yesterday I took the dog for a long drive to a remote area that was one of yours' and my favourite areas to hike. The dog certainly enjoyed it and after 3 hours of hiking I thought I'd feel better but all I could think about was how the last time I was here we'd been here together and I could see you everywhere in my mind. I must have been hallucinating in some way because I always remember you walking along at times with your damn cigarettes and every once in awhile yesterday I would get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I wasn't sure the first time but after the 4th or 5th time I smelled it I knew it as a light puff of cigarette smoke. I was the only one in the park and where we were I know there was no one around because it was very rugged and remote and the dog is very protective and would have sensed anyone in the area but those whiffs of cigarette smoke kept showing up for a few seconds here and there through out the entire hike.
I don't know what to think sweetheart, but I do know that you're still in my mind and heart almost every waking moment of every day, regardless of who I'm with or where I am. Your family asked me to spend thanksgiving with them this year but I just don't think I can yet. It was always a day you'd be busy in the kitchen shooing me out of your way but it's just another day to me now. Another holiday without you and means nothing to me. Just another reminder that you're gone. I'm dreading Christmas and the kids have already said they don't want to set anything up this year because you always went crazy at Christmas and it's just too painfull a reminder. I know people do things like that in spite of the pain but I guess the wounds are still too deep for all of us.
I read the 7 stages of grief and I seem to be sitting right in the middle of the 4th stage at the moment,unable to move. Hopefully time will help in it's own way but for now this is all I have.
I love you sweetheart and I pray where you are is safe and happy.
I miss you more than I can express in words.
All my love,
Mike
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