7/13/2015 Glad To Be In North Carolina

And away from New York & all of it's high taxes, bullshit everything, & best of all- the "New York State of Mind".
Today, my Asperger's inner rant has subsided a little. I have been beating myself up over a Skype video message I left for hubby's girlfriend. I got a little nasty (no foul language, however)- "Why do you hate me? We never met! All I ever wanted to say to you was I'm glad you're in Hubby's life, but you are acting like your own Grandchildren so grow up"- my Asperger's non-filter just let my inner thoughts fly. At the time, I couldn't tell if the message was sent, but the next time I went on Skype, I saw the message was deleted. That means message received & then MelodyJane spirals down into a self-deprecating cycle of: I hate myself! why do I do stupid things? why am I not like the rest of the world? Hopefully, tonight I won't go to bed praying for the death of the body "I" exist in. (No, I am not suicidal, I am an Aspie). I've been asking for death for the last few nights (and throughout most of my life- now that I'm thinking about it) & don't get why my wish hasn't been granted. I don't subscribe to the way of Church and/or Organized Religion, so God & Jesus have nothing to do with why I'm still here.
Asperger's cannot become a life-long excuse for non-control. I usually control all personal opinions by letting people walk all over me & turn the emotions inward. It seems like this works better for the Neurotypicals. The other day, I was simply fed up with being a life-long target of hate/jealousy/bullying- whether from people I know, kids I went to school with or from people I've never met. This girlfriend of hubby's never met me, is jealous & gives him hell over issues we need to discuss toward finalizing our divorce. He even called me a few weeks ago to apologize for her words & behaviors I never even knew about.
My next stage with my counselor is learning the way Neurotypicals view the world & make my brain think & act like them. It will change me even more, there will be very little of the real MelodyJane left. She'll be someone totally different, sometime in the future. This is also unsettling to think about- kinda weird that I always wanted to be "Normal" and now that my counseling path is set in that direction, it feels wrong, somehow. Maybe more like: an unfamiliar path & therefore frightening until I start walking it & get to know "Normal".
I dunno.
I cancelled my memberships on the dating sites. Neurotypicals have very little patience for an Aspie. I'll be satisfied to be by myself for a while. When I feel I've learned enough about Neurotypicals, I'll then start looking at Humankind once again for friends, etc.
Love to my DS friends!