Frustrated

I am frustrated and do not know what to do, dealing with my wife is very difficult you would figure someone who has gone through the worst of things want to tell me she loves me and wants me to get better so we can life together. She is a bit worried because others on forum say they miss thier loved ones and love them so much. I can not say that because I put through worst then hell that is not love, I can not look at her I feel guilt I want best for her find someone who is not screwed up like me heck every single guy is better than me out there. She is telling me do I want to live with myself and play Russian roulette by shifting my responsibilties off to another person who could end up lying/cheating to her. She says she could never live with that more I think about it, I really wish I could use the word that im thinking...... up she loses either way I refuse for her to be with me no way even if hell froze over she deserves better. She is most beautiful intelligent kind person on earth and with a scumbag like me that is like oil and water. I do not know what to say to her, nothing I do say can make her life joyful. I have long road ahead on recovering and guilt is killing me inside, I want to make things right but its imposibble like using dropping a atomic bomb on someone and then try make it right you can stop dropping the bomb but what happened and afthermath well be there forever.