Numb

So after the emotinal rollercoaster I was on last week I am completely numb. I dont even know what to feel. I like feeling numb better than feeling dead inside though. i am happy that i am in teh begining of my cycle cause there is nothing to worry about rigth now. I can just live and not have to count days. Since I was in cali on a family emergency I was forced to take abreak this month and am not doing any fertility shots or anything. YOu never know. We might get a great christmas present. But im also not going to hold my breath either. I just want to relax this month. Its alwasy easier to say that at the begining of teh cycle and then you know how it goes. The closer to the end of teh 2ww the harder it is. I am really going totry not to even think about it. we Are going away for thanksgiving to the beach and thats when i will be ovuating so maybe I will be able to just relax. I sure hope so. Im still sad about my BFN but i dont wantto think about it. I just hate this struggle nd wish we didnt have to do it. Hopefully one dayi can be happy instead of just numb.