Still Waiting
So, I am still waiting for CD1 so I can start treatment. Of course, my body seems to think it would be a nice sick joke to hold off on actually getting a period....ugh! I did a HPT just to make sure then grabbed a bottle of wine to wash down some soft cheese...I figured, I may as well celebrate not being pregnant right? Silver linings and all that!
I have been reading back through other people's journals and one entry struck a chord with me; one of the girls had written that there hardly seems to be anybody on here any more and that once people get their BFPs they slip away silently. Well, I was one of those girls. I did slip away because I never ever wanted to end up dealing with the heartache again. I remember when my baby was only a few days old, I would come back onto the website just to see what everyone was up to. I didn't want to post anything though because I though it would be far too painful for anyone else to read...The truth is; it would have been painful for me to write as well and I wasn't brave enough to do it.
Its funny, when I joined a mothers' group, they had us stand in groups about how planned for our baby was...one end being totally unexpected/surprise, and the other being had to go through fertility treatment. Well, I was the only one up the fertility treatment end...I felt so alone and ashamed...like even though I was successful in carrying a baby to term and looking after it, I was still found wanting because I had to undergo IVF. Why have I mentioned that? Good question, I guess because for most ladies, once they get their BFPs, they don't want to remember just how awful this whole process is. Because lets face it: It is soul destroying. All of you ladies out there who are reading this, just know that you are stronger than you think. A hell of a lot stronger. And you are remarkable. You all just get knocked down over and over and over again, but look at you all, still here, still standing.
I want to be as strong and resilient as you are. So I am going to try.
Here goes....
I have been reading back through other people's journals and one entry struck a chord with me; one of the girls had written that there hardly seems to be anybody on here any more and that once people get their BFPs they slip away silently. Well, I was one of those girls. I did slip away because I never ever wanted to end up dealing with the heartache again. I remember when my baby was only a few days old, I would come back onto the website just to see what everyone was up to. I didn't want to post anything though because I though it would be far too painful for anyone else to read...The truth is; it would have been painful for me to write as well and I wasn't brave enough to do it.
Its funny, when I joined a mothers' group, they had us stand in groups about how planned for our baby was...one end being totally unexpected/surprise, and the other being had to go through fertility treatment. Well, I was the only one up the fertility treatment end...I felt so alone and ashamed...like even though I was successful in carrying a baby to term and looking after it, I was still found wanting because I had to undergo IVF. Why have I mentioned that? Good question, I guess because for most ladies, once they get their BFPs, they don't want to remember just how awful this whole process is. Because lets face it: It is soul destroying. All of you ladies out there who are reading this, just know that you are stronger than you think. A hell of a lot stronger. And you are remarkable. You all just get knocked down over and over and over again, but look at you all, still here, still standing.
I want to be as strong and resilient as you are. So I am going to try.
Here goes....
Replies
This entry really hit my heart. I know that I will always carry the pain of IF and what I have been through around with me, but I would give anything to forget. I am hoping that as time passes it will get easier to talk about and to support others who are going through the same thing. My boss has a daughter who is preparing for the IVF process and every time she brings it up, I just freeze. It is too real and raw to talk about with someone who has not gone through the process already. And it brings back a flood of memories and emotions of getting that phone call about another negative cycle or sitting in your living room surrounded by needles and vials of hormones. All of those things have changed me so much from the happy, carefree person I used to be and it makes me so sad. Even though I am pregnant right now, I don\'t even feel like I can enjoy it the way other people get to, like I have been robbed of something. I just really hope that time will heal the IF wounds for all of us so we can get back to the people we were before it ruined us. Always the waiting with IF... :)