Back Again...
Ok SO I am back. We have a review with a different doctor last week. This new guy is with the same fertility clinic (there is only one in our area) but he had been to lecture at my husbands medical tutorials a few weeks' previously. My husband was so taken by this guy's nature and general attitude to infertility that he approached him after the lecture and arranged an appointment with him. Well, what can I say....he was such a lovely guy. He took the time to really explain things and completely empathised with our situation. Granted, he looked about 12 and I felt awkward discussing our sex life with him as he didn't look old enough to know what I was talking about-but hey. I have it from reliable sources that he is at least a few years older than me...which is good!
His theory is that Polycystic Ovarian syndrome is a spectrum of symptoms. So whilst I don't have any of the androgen like symptoms (excess of testosterone, facial hair, acne, etc) the fact that it is so difficult for me to lose weight as well as the fact that I simply don't ovulate any more seems to be enough to put me on that spectrum. My colleagues at work who are now well acquainted with my ovaries vehemently oppose this idea as my ovaries don't have the appearance of PCOS on ultrasound, and my hormone profile is normal-however, I am going to go with the good Doc's opinion for now and see what becomes of it. He basically surmised that whilst we do still have a few options up our sleeve, ultimately the most effective right now would be IVF.
So, that is the route we are headed. It has taken me ages to come to terms with this....I know all of you have been there, the bitter sense of injustice, the "why me?", and worst of all, the overwhelming sense of failure. I have suffered all of these (refer to my last atrocious post) and it really pisses me off. When I was a teenager I had a bad case of the angsts which led to some very questionable behavior. Through my early to late twenties, I also behaved as if the world was out to get me and that I was constantly a victim. At the very end of my twenties, I had an Epiphany of sorts which made me realise how lucky I was to have a great life and be blessed with an able body. (this obviously coincided with losing a buttload of weight and being really fit!) I think I became a little too harsh on myself as my number one belief became about personal responsibility and accountability. But it served its purpose. I didn't give myself an excuse for anything and I held myself to really high standards and lo and behold I had some semblance of self esteem for the first time in my life. During this time, is when I met my husband. Three years since we were engaged, I find myself trying desperately to not fall back into the trap of self pity and excuse making. For the last 12 months, I have been on a downward spiral of self loathing and my self esteem has never been worse. What pisses me off about all of this is that I worked so freaking hard to build up my own self confidence once before, only to have it chipped away at piece by piece by infertility.
So what is my point I hear you ask.....I don't really have one. I guess I am just trying to identify my severe lack of self esteem and how it is impacting on all aspects of my life. I have read back through my entries and there is a common theme...all throughout, there is all this bad stuff happening to me....the fertility doctor making a misleading statement, me being shafted at work, me thinking my husband should leave me. Er yeah, bad stuff happens to everyone and it is simply the way I have been looking at certain situations that makes them appear to me in particular that I am a victim of circumstance. Starting this round of IVF is terrifying and it is probably going to be a horrible experience...but guess what? The majority of you ladies on here have been through a round or two and have lived to tell the tale. I just hope that I can actually take note and kick myself out of this pity party I am in because quite frankly, it is unappealing. I have become that unpopular person in the workplace that is always whining about something whereas I used to be the one that everyone wanted to be around because I was so positive. So I guess, my new goal is to try and stay sane and positive over the next few months. We don't start the process for another month as I have to go on birth control (ironic much???) to actually induce a period and then we can start. In the meantime, I will try and think of other things and start being a little more positive about life.....I hope.
His theory is that Polycystic Ovarian syndrome is a spectrum of symptoms. So whilst I don't have any of the androgen like symptoms (excess of testosterone, facial hair, acne, etc) the fact that it is so difficult for me to lose weight as well as the fact that I simply don't ovulate any more seems to be enough to put me on that spectrum. My colleagues at work who are now well acquainted with my ovaries vehemently oppose this idea as my ovaries don't have the appearance of PCOS on ultrasound, and my hormone profile is normal-however, I am going to go with the good Doc's opinion for now and see what becomes of it. He basically surmised that whilst we do still have a few options up our sleeve, ultimately the most effective right now would be IVF.
So, that is the route we are headed. It has taken me ages to come to terms with this....I know all of you have been there, the bitter sense of injustice, the "why me?", and worst of all, the overwhelming sense of failure. I have suffered all of these (refer to my last atrocious post) and it really pisses me off. When I was a teenager I had a bad case of the angsts which led to some very questionable behavior. Through my early to late twenties, I also behaved as if the world was out to get me and that I was constantly a victim. At the very end of my twenties, I had an Epiphany of sorts which made me realise how lucky I was to have a great life and be blessed with an able body. (this obviously coincided with losing a buttload of weight and being really fit!) I think I became a little too harsh on myself as my number one belief became about personal responsibility and accountability. But it served its purpose. I didn't give myself an excuse for anything and I held myself to really high standards and lo and behold I had some semblance of self esteem for the first time in my life. During this time, is when I met my husband. Three years since we were engaged, I find myself trying desperately to not fall back into the trap of self pity and excuse making. For the last 12 months, I have been on a downward spiral of self loathing and my self esteem has never been worse. What pisses me off about all of this is that I worked so freaking hard to build up my own self confidence once before, only to have it chipped away at piece by piece by infertility.
So what is my point I hear you ask.....I don't really have one. I guess I am just trying to identify my severe lack of self esteem and how it is impacting on all aspects of my life. I have read back through my entries and there is a common theme...all throughout, there is all this bad stuff happening to me....the fertility doctor making a misleading statement, me being shafted at work, me thinking my husband should leave me. Er yeah, bad stuff happens to everyone and it is simply the way I have been looking at certain situations that makes them appear to me in particular that I am a victim of circumstance. Starting this round of IVF is terrifying and it is probably going to be a horrible experience...but guess what? The majority of you ladies on here have been through a round or two and have lived to tell the tale. I just hope that I can actually take note and kick myself out of this pity party I am in because quite frankly, it is unappealing. I have become that unpopular person in the workplace that is always whining about something whereas I used to be the one that everyone wanted to be around because I was so positive. So I guess, my new goal is to try and stay sane and positive over the next few months. We don't start the process for another month as I have to go on birth control (ironic much???) to actually induce a period and then we can start. In the meantime, I will try and think of other things and start being a little more positive about life.....I hope.
Replies
Congrats on the new Dr and your decision to move ahead with IVF!
I know it seems so celebratory when others get excited for your journey, and that can be weird. It\'s weird because you do feel \"why me?\" and its a hard decision to come to. But, the process is pretty amazing. Go into it with hope, but also reality. Pamper yourself as much as you can. You will feel \"why me\" during the many injections, and it can be mentally hard. I tried to focus less on those that got pregnant easily, and more on those that had trouble. Especially my Aunts/mom and others who did not have IVF as an option. (So some went child-less because there was not option) It helps to keep things in perspective and give you a better outlook because you can feel lucky instead of robbed. Don\'t fret if you have bad days. IF sucks balls. You are still the strong and positive person you have grown to be. You just have a HUGE hurdle to cross right now and feeling down is very normal.
I wish you a ton of luck and I look forward to keeping up on your progress!
I think it\'s great that you have a new doctor and that you\'re onto a new adventure!
I think it\'s very easy to have down moments and have a pity party when you are dealing with IF. I personally have to always remind myself that it could be so much worse and at least I do have an option to carry a child, it may not share the same DNA as me but at least it\'s an option that I have and for you, your time to have a baby is not gone. There are so many possibilities out there now. So when times get tough just try to remember that there is still hope. Plus, IVF isn\'t necessarily horrible, I would say more uncomfortable, exhausting and nerve-racking. :-) I didn\'t have the best outcome with IVF but that\'s me, look at all the women on here that has had a wonderful amount of success through IVF. Keep your head up and try to stay strong. It\'ll all be worth it in the end. Hang in there friend.