Hi everyone-it has been a long while since I updated my journal-just haven't felt like writing. But I'm hoping that by writing I can get rid of this useless feeling that I have. As I've written on many of the groups I joined, I have several medical issues-lupus, fibro., DDD, breast cancer (in remission, thank God), and I fell and got a TBI that I am still dealing with. I lost my job (due to problems I had from lupus and fibro.) in May, 2008, and haven't been able to find work. Unemployment runs out next month-May.  I have had unemployment, thankfully, but most of that goes to COBRA because of my medical issues, so I haven't been able to pay my property taxes. I received a letter from my bank 2 weeks ago saying that since I have a home equity line of credit with them, they are going to pay the taxes that I couldn't, and make a payment plan for me to pay it back. I thought this was going to work out well, and I wouldn't lose my house. Well, they got back to me, and said the payments would be $1460 a month for 12 months-they want me to pay back 2 years of taxes in 1 year. I told them if I had that much money each month, I would not have a problem paying my taxes. I told them that I am unemployed, have used every drop of my savings, and will be applying for disability when unemployment is ended. I can't even sell my house, because the value has gone down so much that when I sell it and all the taxes, loans, etc, there will be nothing. I don't know what to do.
I am 60 years old, and look around at my friends and they are all doing well, considering the economic mess we all are in. Many are talking about retiring. Heck, my ex-husband retired 3 years ago at 55, and with his pension and free benefits for life, he has no problems at all. And here I am, my kids, who I love dearly, are grown and out-one in Spain, the other in DC. They help me when they can, but they are also having problems paying their bills, etc. All I want it to be able to be able to pay my way and not have to worry about losing my house, or not having food, or not being able to pay for my COBRA and the special tests I need. All I want to do is be able to plant a flower garden in remembrance of my sister who died this time last year-I wanted to keep her alive in my heart by doing that. But I don't even have a penny extra to do that. Is that so much to ask for myself? I just feel like such a loser. My body has betrayed me, and that is ok. But when I fell, it did brain damage, and now I have balance, memory and other problems. Still, I just want to sit with my dog, plant my garden, play my piano, and try to enjoy my life as much as I can. I have no family nearby, I sing and play the keyboard for my folk group at church, and am trying to make some money giving piano lessons, but only have 2 kids, even though I put flyers out all over-its just a bad time to start something like this. I don't know what to do-even social services won't help me-they say I get too much from unemployment, even though most of it goes to medical things. I try to be optomistic, but it's really getting hard.
I'm sorry this got so long-I guess I have to write more often instead of holding it all in like I do.  I'm so glad I can write here, and am not judged. Thanks everyone.  Kathy