What a weekend. It got to 107 (car said 110) degrees on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And its hot again today. I did my chores as much as I could in the mornings. But all afternoon into the evening it was so hot. Didn’t want to go anywhere even the store, you just feel ugly and hot. So we sat at home all weekend – did nothing. Sunday I decided it was just too hot to cook so I did go out to get take out food.
This morning I just got back from taking my husband to the Doctor. Now he is really depressed. Blood work came back pretty bad and he questions what is he doing. No one will “give him how much time” he has left, and it pisses him off. His thinking is that if he’s not going to get better (cure of cancer and be able to walk again) then he is wasting his time. I truly don’t know what I’d do if the roles were reversed. I believe he will live, but I don’t know. He still has chemo in the morning so we will see if he goes or not.
I understand where he’s coming from, but to lose the fight isn’t something I’ve seen in him before. His “belly bulges” from the cancer are going down so I think the chemo is working. He’s also starting to walk without the walker from his chair to the bathroom which is big improvement. He doesn’t walk all the time but from time to time he does. The physical therapy is working and the chemo seems to work but he wants to be cured now. The depression and lack of wanting to live is going to hurt him.
Seriously for me--- well I’ve been through hell and back. Visited him at so many hospitals and so many doctors and different types of doctors I’m drained.I think is God’s way of preparing me. Don’t know. I do know that I’m not as excited or worried about blood work, cancer, walking or whether “I can save him” like I was in October when this was all new. I not scared either. He is too young to die and I’m too young to be alone, but being alone has it’s advantages too, and freedom is always good. So in other words, I have very mixed feelings.
Feels better just writing this. Thanks and hugs to all.
Arlene
This morning I just got back from taking my husband to the Doctor. Now he is really depressed. Blood work came back pretty bad and he questions what is he doing. No one will “give him how much time” he has left, and it pisses him off. His thinking is that if he’s not going to get better (cure of cancer and be able to walk again) then he is wasting his time. I truly don’t know what I’d do if the roles were reversed. I believe he will live, but I don’t know. He still has chemo in the morning so we will see if he goes or not.
I understand where he’s coming from, but to lose the fight isn’t something I’ve seen in him before. His “belly bulges” from the cancer are going down so I think the chemo is working. He’s also starting to walk without the walker from his chair to the bathroom which is big improvement. He doesn’t walk all the time but from time to time he does. The physical therapy is working and the chemo seems to work but he wants to be cured now. The depression and lack of wanting to live is going to hurt him.
Seriously for me--- well I’ve been through hell and back. Visited him at so many hospitals and so many doctors and different types of doctors I’m drained.I think is God’s way of preparing me. Don’t know. I do know that I’m not as excited or worried about blood work, cancer, walking or whether “I can save him” like I was in October when this was all new. I not scared either. He is too young to die and I’m too young to be alone, but being alone has it’s advantages too, and freedom is always good. So in other words, I have very mixed feelings.
Feels better just writing this. Thanks and hugs to all.
Arlene
Replies
I understand. Sometimes it\'s a relief to write it all down........then take a step back.
(((HUGS)))) Patricia
I too understand. Having mixed feelings is normal..
So sorry that you have to go through this,but I think your husband is depressed because he sees it as a long road that at the moment doesn\'t seem to end.
I hope you will both feel a lot better soon and I will pray for you both
Yikes! 107? It\'s gotten to 101 here in NY at times...
I would be just as mixed up on how to feel as you are. And, with me going through PTSD, Depression & Cancer I get why he feels the way he does. I also agree with my friends Laura & Phoebe- taking a step back is always healthy & to feel hopeless about cancer is all too normal.
My shoulders are here for you, my lovely friend Arlene!
Dear Arlene, you are on one hell of a journey. So sorry you are going through this.
My dad died from lung cancer last year. I remember all the feelings you describe. They\'re normal feelings...hugs from me to you xxx